what a loaded question: what did it all mean? 9 months is a lifetime and an afternoon at the park all in one. living with 45 people for about 270 days is an incredible adventure, waiting in line at Disneyland for 4 hours, standing on a crowded chicken bus, and having a sleep over with your best friends all at once. the biggest thing ive found out is before this whole thing I was filled to the brim with pride, overflowing with fear, and covering it all in humor. I was slow to trust, quick to speak. Scared to mess up. Every country I’ve had something I struggled with immensely and something I overcame. Those weren’t always the same thing. I’ve gone from doubting God’s existence to witnessing him heal legs that didn’t work. I’ve cried in my friends laps and spilled out every dirty, scary thing ive carried inside me for my whole life. I’ve messed up a lot. I’ve hurt people and apologized and hurt them again. I’ve forgiven those who hurt me and I’ve forgiven myself for what I’ve done before and for everything I will do. I have let go of the things I’ve held onto white knuckled and felt the freedom that comes at the foot of the cross. And what I’ve really realized is the innate nothingness that I am in my flesh. How tired I was from trying to carry the weight of things that were never mine to pick up. I’ve seen so many colors of the Father. From just our voices screaming Hallelujah in a small room in swaziland to westernized, hipster churches in Antigua. I’ve seen the Lord in children, grandmother’s, flowers, sunsets, drug addicts, sunrises, my friends, and in all of it I have learned the character of my Father. I’ve learned who Jesus died for truly. I’ve learned who he wants. And it’s all of us. It’s the broken and tainted and scared and wild. It’s the rebel and rascal and thief and pastor. It’s the abused, abuser, strong and weak. It’s not about where we need to be when it comes to God. It’s about where we are, who we are, when we are. It’s about right now. What we have or what we have done, good or bad, is irrelevant. So here’s the overall thing. What’s it all meant?? What do I know now that I didn’t before? I know to come exactly as I am. And I know that this whole thing: life, love, Christianity. It’s not as hard as we make it out to be. We don’t have to work so hard. It meant that all we have to do is show up and love.
