Most of you probably don’t know this, but right around October, I went through a bit of a crisis about my future and college. Going to UT to study education had been my plan before I decided to take a gap year, and I’ve wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. The first months of the race looked like a lot of change for me and I think in my head that translated to everything from the past needing to change. Even good things. Even the good desires I had before the race. It took a few teammates sharing their perspectives and some wisdom from Jesus, for me to realize that college is an incredible opportunity, and one of the ways to reach my goals and be most effective in what I want to do in the future. I also realized that not everything about me needed to change in this process and that those desires from the past were still good and from Him. So after this brief panic, I decided to continue with my plan to reapply at UT (since they didn’t allow me to defer my admission last year) and as I was waiting to hear back, I started to grow in my peace and excitement about the possibility of going to this school. I received my acceptance at the start of December and it was that moment of TOTAL EXCITEMENT that truly confirmed for me that UT was where I was supposed to go.
While in Africa, there was confirmation after confirmation about college and education. I met a boy named Rabirah who again confirmed the passion God has given me for loving and fighting for children with special needs. I met so many incredible kids who just needed someone to show them that they are worthy of time and love and to treat them with the value that He sees in them. I saw with new eyes the importance and impact education can make on someone’s life.
Then, towards the end of February, a weird feeling started bugging me. It wasn’t bad. It was just an idea that I kept thinking about. And it was kind of scary and felt like the opposite of all the things I felt God was pushing me towards for next year. So I prayed about it a lot and didn’t really talk to anyone and tried not to think about it. I figured it was just me being fearful of the future or doubting or probably going crazy. But I decided to just surrender it to Him anyways. Looking back in my journal from that month I see prayers of “God I thought you wanted me to go to UT and that’s what I thought I wanted too but I’m not sure anymore. Maybe it’s just what makes the most sense to me. I don’t want to let fear influence my decisions. I just want what you want. I want to go wherever you’re asking. No matter what. I give next year fully to you. I’m not sure what you want me to do, but I want you to show me so that I can obey”
During this next month of practicing the surrender of my plans, He changed the desires of my heart towards something I hadn’t even let myself dream of. He also started taking me through a kind of painful process that I now recognize as preparing my heart for the future. Tearing out things in me that didn’t belong, and teaching me new things about Him and myself. In the moment, to be completely honest, it just really sucked. I felt let down. I felt out of control. I felt anxiety about what was next. I felt the weight of others expectations and opinions. I literally felt like I was incapable of doing any of the things I thought I wanted. Part of this was Him working some things out in me, and part of it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing anything at all.
And this is where it starts to get really crazy! Towards the end of March the opportunity to team lead next year came! Basically, I was asked to go back out after this summer, and help lead the next world race gap year group. That was the dream He had put on my heart back in Ethiopia that I had kept hidden to see if it was really what He wanted. I also did not think it was going to happen. The idea of team leading was what kept bouncing around in my head that last month in Ethiopia, so it was exciting that the option was now a reality, but it was still something that was huge and scary. So I prayed about it more and talked to a few people and freaked out about it some. But something in my heart kept tugging at me. Telling me that this was what I wanted. And reminding me of the passions and giftings that He’s given me for this type of thing. But this was also paired with the fear of being unworthy or hearing God wrong and messing everything up. And in this process, I came up with my final plan:
I wanted to team lead but only if I could defer my admission at UT. Since UT was something I was so confident about, I didn’t want to say no to it and then never have this chance again. I called the admissions office and they said I could submit an appeal for deferment if I wanted, but it probably wasn’t worth the time since they don’t generally allow deferment, especially not in these cases. So obviously, I did it anyway. Honestly though with very little faith. And then I waited for a few weeks that felt like forever.
The longer I waited, the more positive I was that it wasn’t going to happen and that I was just going to be disappointed. Anxiety started to grow and frustration at God. I questioned why He allowed me to go down this path at all if it was just going to end in failure and hurt. I was mad at myself for fighting so hard for this dream that wasn’t going to happen.
One morning, I just decided I’d had enough of all the stress about it. Looking at my journal from that morning, the words I wrote say surrender but really it was just giving up. But wow, God is good. He is faithful even in our unbelief. He is good no matter what. That same day, I checked my email and received the notice that my appeal for deferment at UT had been ACCEPTED. At the point of me really truly giving up on it all, He was still working. He didn’t give up.
Even writing about this now gets me so excited because He really can do the impossible! He can move the mountains that seem too big. He cares about me and my fear and my deferment at the University of Texas at Austin. He. Is. So. Good. Wow!
So anyways, I’ve decided what I’m doing next year! It’s not what I originally planned out for myself. But it’s been a dream in my heart for even longer than I realized. I still don’t know all the details but I’m more certain than ever of His goodness and faithfulness. And wow am I grateful that He wrecks our plans sometimes or just changes them up a bit.
So, in September, I’ll be going out on the field again with the World Race as an alumni team leader. I’ll be getting to love and lead a new group of gap year people, and I am so excited!! After three months of team leading, I’ll be back home in time for Christmas, and then start my Special Education major at UT in the spring!
Typing this out feels crazy and sometimes I truly wonder if I’m going crazy. Really didn’t plan to take off another semester. Really didn’t plan to take this year off in the first place. But I can say for certain that every seemingly crazy yes I’ve said so far has been worth it. So I can’t wait for what’s to come!!
