First of all I’m in Nicaragua now! This country is beautiful and the people that fill it are genuine and kind and really just full of life and fun to be around. It’s also hot. Our ministry is incredible and a lot of exciting things have happened in the past weeks. I turned 19! I got to hang out with my parents here for a few days!
I’m really humbled by the fact that I have people back home who love me and care about me and read my blogs and leave kind comments. It means a lot to me so seriously thank you. Real support for me is knowing that I have people who will take time to read my usually rambling thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I struggle with writing these blogs because I’m usually just not sure what to say. I want to share things of value and be vulnerable but not too weird and speak truth but not preach and so many other things that it can sometimes be a little bit paralyzing and I struggle to actually write. But I’m learning a lot about just being real and so I just wanted to share one of the biggest things I’ve struggled with over the past 7 months.
Before I left for the race I was sick. I had been in Indonesia that summer and gotten some sort of weird sickness there that I just couldn’t shake. Before I left for Cambodia I was basically in a huge amount of fear about my physical health. I was terrified of getting sick on the race or never getting better. Scared about being far from home and without my parents who give me advice and support in these things. I was overly sensitive about and obsessive over my physical health, and mostly just so scared because I felt like I had no control over my physical body.
In the prayer night I had right before I left for the race, family and friends prayed for me and specifically my health. I left that night with confidence, basically feeling like since God was good and I trusted Him that I wasn’t going to get sick. Believing I’d be completely healthy on the race and there was nothing to worry about. So I was feeling great!
And then I broke my toe in Atlanta right before leaving for Cambodia.
And I was mostly just annoyed and in some ways it was kind of funny but I felt that anxiety about my physical health start gaining more ground.
And then I went through all of Cambodia struggling with the weird stuff I’d had since the summer.
And I started to get mad at my body and at God for not keeping me healthy. I started to stress about what foods would make me feel sick and what the safe options were. Living in fear of sickness. And mostly I was so frustrated that my physical health was keeping me from doing the things I wanted to do all the time.
And then I went to Ethiopia and was sick more than ever before.
In reality, looking back, it was nothing that was really that serious or huge but I was already in a place of so much anxiety and mistrust when it came to my health that every single incident just felt like another reason to sink lower and lower in my discouragement and anger at Him.
And so with each sickness, big or small, I could feel my heart kind of shrinking away from Him. I felt like in a way my sickness was Him breaking a promise or letting me down. It turned into this cycle of the enemy using every ache and pain and cold and infection to confirm the lie that He couldn’t be trusted and ultimately that He didn’t love me enough to keep me safe.
I’m in Nicaragua now and during the parent trip I started to feel the familiar aches and pain of sickness on the way. And then a cut turned into a really painful infection. And then I ended up in the clinic (I’ve been to some wild clinics and I have some wildly funny stories from them so that’s one major plus of this whole sickness situation). And I have strep and yet again I’m sitting in a clinic in my frustration and bitterness and discouragement. I’m sick again and I’m upset.
So I go to God and gave Him a piece of my mind. Good thing He’s a really great listener and incredibly patient and gentle with His response. First of all He comforted me and then slowly started to open my eyes a little bit more to understand.
First of all, He showed me that He was there in it all. Every day when I was feeling sick, He was there with me. Hurting for me. Wanting to be my comfort and rest.
Then He started to show me how those moments of sickness were really beautiful and intentional opportunities for me. In Cambodia I was struggling so much with striving and trying to earn His love or others. My sickness there was a chance to force my body to be still and not “finish the checklist”, but come to understand that He loves me no matter what I do or don’t do. In Ethiopia my sickness was a chance to learn dependence on Him and also an opportunity for me to allow my teammates to love and serve me in really practical ways. Here in Nicaragua I think it’s a lot to do with just my stubbornness and the fact that sometimes He really has to stop me in my tracks to get my attention.
I don’t think God made me get sick but I do think He allowed it in some situations because it was what I needed to learn those important lessons that He’s been trying to teach me. I’m another sense the body, mind, and spirit are all connected I think, so often unhealth in my body can be a sign of something off in my heart. In this case, a doubting towards the dependability and love of my Father. So the process of healing needs to look like addressing the physical problem and the hurt in my heart that goes along with it.
So as I’m taking my medicine to heal my physical body I’m thanking Him for the healing He’s bringing me and for the fullness of it. Body, mind and spirit. I think my struggle with my health has been incredibly discouraging but really because I was allowing the enemy to gain so much ground and take away my sense of control and freedom over my own body. Through my fear and anxiety I was in many ways just creating a wide open door for the enemy to come and plant his lies and evil in me.
So if you want to pray with me, pray for physical healing and protection and the same for my heart. That any way I’ve given ground over to the enemy I would be able to reclaim and regain.
