I was cleaning out my car the other day when I found a crumpled up index card folded under the floor mat in the back seat. I was about to toss it into the trash along with the embarrassingly large pile of junk that I had also found under this mat when something in my heart prompted me to pause. When I smoothed out the card and actually took the time to look at it, I realized that it was covered in my handwriting, full of my reflections and feelings after one night at youth group, and dated September of 2017.
This proves how infrequently I clean out my car (September was almost 7 months ago and that wasn’t even the oldest thing I found), but I’m glad I stumbled across that beat up, scribbled on index card now. I remember sitting down with this index card at youth group one evening in September with a mission to make a decision about the next year. I was struggling with fear, doubts, and unrest about where to go and what to do in the future, and had pretty much become paralyzed by these worries and unable to hear God’s direction in the situation.
In the very middle of the index card in big bold letters is the question that I was desperately searching to answer: “College or Gap Year Next Year??” All around this question are scribbled prayers.
“Lord help me lay down my desires and my fear of not doing what’s expected… I want to follow Your plan for my life and find success in Kingdom ways… Lord let me live with abandon to love and serve others and keep doing it with a heart aligned with Yours. Help me set aside my own wants and needs for the needs of others… I want to ruin my life in a worldly sense to love and serve others… I trust that You will show me what the next step should be. When you reveal it, I will obey.”
On the back of this card is a verse I’ve heard about a million times: “This is how we have come to know love: He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers.” But I can remember reading this verse that night as though it was the very first time. Next to this verse, my final thoughts are written in big letters.
“I am loved. He paid the highest price for me. It is my joy and my purpose to love others like He has loved and loves me.”
The night that I wrote down these prayers and reflections didn’t end the way I thought I wanted. I didn’t hear the clear direction of God about my decision between college and a gap year, but I came away with something far more significant: peace. Just the simple act of truly surrendering my stress about it all created so much more space for me to actually hear where God was calling me in the next few months.
This small index card with barely decipherable handwriting holds such a sweet reminder of His faithfulness in these past few months and is such evident proof of His hand in my decision for next year. And finding this index card this week was the perfect timing for the encouragement that I needed.
Basically, people, don’t clean out your cars too often! You never know what you may find in those few and far between cleans, and it just might brighten up your whole week.
