Since arriving in Cuenca, Ecuador, on Saturday, my team has distributed Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes to children, attended church service, and had a discipleship/Bible study night.
Something I love about our ministry hosts is their commitment to intentional discipleship. We’ve already had some deep conversations, and I know I am going to learn a lot from them this month!
Our team was asked to share a testimony with the discipleship group on Sunday night. There were a couple people who said they didn’t mind sharing, but no one expressed feeling convicted or called to share.
I didn’t necessarily feel like I was supposed to share. Instead, what I felt was fearful and inadequate. I shared this with my team. I told them that I didn’t feel like my testimony would be meaningful for this group. They called out that lie, and Shelby reminded me that my story matters.
Valerie and I talked about those feelings of worthlessness. She told me that, while it may be true that not everyone can strongly relate to every testimony, it’s worth sharing even if it impacts one person. After all, she said, Jesus left the 99 for the one. These words may have come from my friend Val, but it was really God speaking to me. (Side note, did you know that Val prayed for the wisdom of Solomon as a child? It shows.)
I’ve shared my testimony on the Race before, so I’m not sure where this sudden feeling of worthlessness came from. I think it was Satan trying to drown out the Holy Spirit telling me that I was supposed to share. I’m learning that when emotions try to silence truth and healing, those emotions are worth addressing.
I started writing down some of my thoughts. What I ended up with isn’t my whole life story, but it is a summary and includes two significant themes that have played a big part in my testimony: self-worth and anxiety.
A testimony is the story of how God has worked in your life.
Even though I know that no two testimonies are exactly alike, I have struggled with feeling like my testimony isn’t as meaningful or impactful as others’.
Honestly, I haven’t struggled with some of the things that other people have. I have never done drugs, I don’t get drunk, and I never went through a stage of rebellion against my parents.
But in my life I have chosen a different kind of rebellion, one that is no less sinful, no less displeasing to the Lord.
Before I get into that, I want to share a little background of my life with you. I was born into a family who love Jesus. My grandparents, parents, and siblings all have a relationship with God. I am very grateful for this.
I am the youngest of five kids. We are all really close. When I was 3 years old I prayed to accept Jesus into my heart. Then I helped my older brother pray and do the same thing. I was 9 when I was baptized as a way of showing the world that I am made a new creation because of Jesus.
So there is not a time I can remember when I didn’t love and walk with the Lord. My life is a story of always growing closer to him and learning how to be more like Jesus. Sometimes my growth has been rapid, and sometimes slower, but seeking the Lord has always been a constant in my life.
I feel like my childhood was happy for the most part, but conflict has always been hard on me. As a kid I would hide under my bed during arguments. If I was yelled at I would cry. I hated getting in trouble so much that I developed this drive for perfectionism.
I still struggle with this. If I do something wrong, or if someone gives me feedback about what I can do better, or if I compare myself to others and think I fall short…it impacts my feelings of self-worth.
Identity/self-worth is something that I have struggled with so much and still do to this day.
I have never had a boyfriend. And I thought for a long time that there was something wrong with me; that I was not desirable or worth loving. But something God has shown me is that things I think are bad, He has intended for my good, like it says in Romans 8:28.
I am still learning what my worth and identity is, and the beautiful thing is that it doesn’t change. Who God created us to be, and the worth he has given us can not be taken away by anything we have done, or even what we think and believe about ourselves. In fact, the worth of something is determined by the price that someone would pay for it. Do you know the price that was paid for you, Jesus dying on the cross? So how can you believe that you don’t have worth?
Getting back to the topic of rebellion, this is something that had the most impact on my life and testimony. It’s another example of something that from my perspective was bad, but God used it for good. When I left home for college, I developed clinical anxiety. It got very bad–several panic attacks every day, a constant feeling of fear that never left me. This went on for several years. I didn’t have a word for it, I just knew that I felt horrible all the time and was terrified that I would always feel that way. At its worst, I couldn’t eat or get out of bed. I missed classes. I even had suicidal thoughts. It was then that I finally went to a doctor and got help.
When my anxiety first started, I was so confident that God would take it away. I prayed all day long, read my Bible between classes and begged Him to comfort me. He seemed so distant and silent. After a while of this, I began to put up walls between us. I was confused and mad that He wasn’t healing me. I didn’t think I could trust Him anymore, and there was a time when I couldn’t even pray. I still had faith, but for the first time in my life my faith seemed to fail me.
I think several things contributed to my anxiety, but one of them was definitely that drive for perfectionism that I’ve had since childhood. I was afraid of failing.
My anxiety is much better now. I take medicine that helps it. There are times I still struggle, but I have strategies that help. The biggest question is, did my relationship with the Lord improve since then?
And I’m glad to share that it has. I’ve come to realize that I rebelled against God and failed Him, not the other way around. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t heal my mind. But on the other side of it, I recognize that he used medicine to heal me. Could he, in his power have worked a miracle to heal me? Yes. So why didn’t he? Probably so that I can share my experiences with others! People who struggle with mental illness need to know that they are not alone. I have also learned to trust the Lord in a way that I never could have before when my faith was unchallenged. I truly feel that I have come to the point when I can be thankful for the hardships because of the fruit that they have produced.
I think the purpose of sharing your testimony is to give God glory for what He has done in your life–how He has taken the ashes and made something beautiful.
So even though I don’t always feel like my testimony is powerful, that’s not what God says. He told me to share my testimony tonight because there was someone who needed to hear it. Someone needed to hear that they are not alone in feeling left out or worthless. Remember that Jesus leaves the 99 to find you, the one. You are worth it.
So when you are questioning who God created you to be, look in the Word. Find out what your spiritual gifts are. Ask your community, the people around you who are committed to your growth. Above all, I am confident that the Holy Spirit will tell you if you ask Him.
Sharing my testimony–especially the vulnerable parts–is always worth doing if God asks me to. There is no other way for people to really know me. Others can be encouraged by seeing God’s faithfulness in my life. Vulnerability begets vulnerability; they may feel safe to share things they haven’t been able to before. My story of growth and redemption and being in love with Jesus brings glory to God. So does yours.
Recklessly love and be loved,
Em
P.S. If you’re interested, I shared about my struggle with anxiety in more depth in this blog post.
