This post is vulnerable. I actually wrote it a while ago, but it took a little time to work up the courage to share it. As with each blog post, I hope you learn a little more about me, a little more about yourself, and a little more about God.
Like everyone, I have desires.
Some are as old as my childhood. Some have changed a little over the years but remain essentially the same. I’ve had desires in the past that I don’t have anymore, and I have desires today that I didn’t use to have.
Here are some of my desires.
I desire deep, authentic friendships and a tight-knit, missional community. I desire a relationship that leads to godly marriage. I desire children; I used to want 5, then a dozen, and now I think about 7 would be perfect. I desire to live in a charming house in the mountains with a dog that always gets underfoot. I desire to use my gifts, like administration and teaching, to serve others. I desire to play a part in world missions.
At times, my unfulfilled desires are subtle and don’t require much attention. Other times, they are loud and sharp, and can even cause physical distress. Desire has a way of breaking a heart with longing. I didn’t know that was possible until the last few years.
Do desires come from God? I think some of them do. However, his purpose is not for us to choose to pursue our desires instead of him, yearn for things we don’t have, or worship the blessings we’ve been given. Rather, he wants us to thank him for the good gifts he gives us as a reflection of his love, kindness, and father’s heart.
I’m beginning to realize it’s possible that some of my desires mentioned above won’t be fulfilled. It’s possible they will, but it’s possible they won’t. When I first thought seriously about that, I had to ask myself if I would be okay if God didn’t fulfill certain desires of mine, or if he changed them completely.
That can be a dangerous question to ask. If the answer is no, my faith can hardly be called a faith at all. If the answer is yes, I need to be prepared to prove it. So I considered what it would mean to live with only one desire — the Lord. What would it look like to only want him and nothing else? Was that even possible? Could I be so in tune with him and his heart that everything else would become secondary and not worth dwelling on or worrying about?
If he doesn’t lead me to marriage, if I never have children, if my life doesn’t turn out anything like I think I want — will I say to him, “Father, you are good. I love you. I choose only you. I desire only you”?
Hardships and disappointments come as they will; in the depths of them, I want to say, “Lord, you satisfy and delight me.” I don’t want my attitude to be “I desire you anyway” or “I still choose to love you.” His ways are higher than my ways, and his plans are higher than my plans. I want to desire his plan for my life, not my plan. I want to be so deeply in love with him, so fulfilled that I don’t crave anything else to fill me up.
My journey on the World Race has stirred in me this idea that it’s possible to be radically in love with God. To always want more of him. To listen to, hear, and obey him because you love him, not because you feel like you should. I have seen people in this ministry that have this genuine love for the Lord, and it’s reflected in every part of their life. They have joy and peace in all circumstances, and serving other comes natural to them. I want that.
Maybe someday I will live in the mountains with my husband, dog, and 7 children, but I don’t want to live there right now. I want to live here, fully present and fully in love with the Lord. And to be honest, I’m not there yet. I’m not living free from distractions and solely focused on the Lord. But I’m beginning to realize that it’s possible, so I’m on my way. I know that soon I’ll be able to say to Him, “I don’t want anything like I want you” and mean it with my whole heart.
Is there anything that’s stopping you from saying the same?
Reckless love and be loved,
Em
