Where to start:
1.) It has been mentally tough lately.
2.) Life doesn’t always have to be smiles.
3.) I am the biggest sinner I know.
4.) The one and only weight worth carrying is Grace.
5.) Choices direct our future Kingdom growth.
6.) It is easy for me to get caught up in my own mind.
7.) Most people don’t take action to care about others.
8.) My focus is easily distracted by others.
9.) Healthy habits create a healthy heart.
10.) Human eyes can only see what’s in front of you, Spiritual eyes have no limit.
So all this stuff is where my heart currently is. I am coming out of a very introverted day yesterday and stepping into the new chapter of this season. My mind and soul needed some time alone to realign with God through stillness and quiet space. In the last about 2 weeks my heart has been very heavy and I had a very dark perspective. It’s hard to be the light when I don’t feel the light in my own heart. Its actually an amazing test of our faith isn’t it? When we feel that our own heart is not in a good space it’s better to put on a fake joy for others. This process is so easy for us to get caught up in. the reason I call this a test because we get choice. Honesty or cover up. It’s amazing what God can reveal to us through our situations. My darkness was openly shared with the team and those whom I trusted to encourage and inspire me. That word inspire is amazing. The definition of it is to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative. What a way to live.
I had a revelation when I was kinda discouraged and in a dark place in my heart. Even our worst moments can be used as inspiration. God gives us this amazing testimony to his good works through our incredibly ugly moments. What is the difference from God’s good work in our ugly to our good works in the lives of others ugly? I see many times our response to others when they are dark (ugly) in there hearts, actually has the potential to encourage and inspire. I was really thinking about our process in which we try and help others. We try to buy them things, give them things(aka advice) or we try the good old tough it out method. What does it look like to be an encouragement by accepting? We as people always want to help others feel good. Why do we as a whole believe that if we are not happy and filled with joy it is a bad thing? It is so selfish of us to undervalue the seasons of life that God has placed before us to create new growth. When we start to change our hearts about God’s purpose behind dark or ugly feelings we can see that God does work within us that is very much so needed. The darkness and heaviness our heart feels in certain seasons put us into a place of complete surrender with God. It allows us the new growth that we wouldn’t otherwise experience or clearly see.
What a mess my heart became when this season started about 2 weeks ago. I tell you it was very hard for me to see the good in such a dark place. I asked God quite a lot of questions that have all been revealed to me as useless. I really was trying to figure God out. I tried to pinpoint why this season came so quickly and why it was so heavy. I was ultimately trying to figure out what I didn’t know for the sake of control. This experience really made me take a step back and self evaluate where I am really at. I didn’t see it at the time but God used this darkness to reveal to me the need of inspiration I was lacking. I have a lot going on behind the scene in my mind. I was seeking God for personal growth in our relationship while also trying to plan my future. This lead into getting dull and discouraged in my heart about what lies ahead of me. It has become clear to me that I do want God to direct my path but as the Apostle Paul in the bible writes I find myself doing what I don’t want to be doing. It has become easy for me to see that my mind wanders. I try and control and figure out what only God can truly reveal. This season of darkness has been fully accepted by my team around me. I am so thankful that they have chosen to allow me to rest in it and not try and control it for me. God used the individuals around me to open up my eyes to what it looks like to deeply love God and love people. It’s so hard for us to not take action and to rest in acceptance. I talk not about accepting or resting in your failure or justifying your wrong actions. I talk about accepting the hard seasons accepting that God has placed you there for a greater purpose. Accepting that we cannot change things by convincing or by persuading. We must learn how to love others by accepting there season and allowing God to do the work. It’s a hard lesson to not override God’s good works buy undermining/devaluing the season. This season has just begun for me and I am sure there will be more to come. I am thankful for the lessons and wisdom that God has shown me though what looks like a season brought on by darkness.
My prayer is that you each find a value in every season of life that God does work all things for good and not for evil. This is where my heart truly rests at this moment in time and what God has been doing in me here on the mission field.
P.S. there will be an awesome video coming soon that will reflect some amazing ministries happening here in Armenia.
