Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging
-Brene Brown
If we aren’t careful shame can define us, shape how we view not only ourselves but the world as a whole. Shame is crafty and determined, if it sees a weakness it latches on and refuses to budge.
When I got to training camp I was operating from a place of shame. Honestly, I didn’t even realize how much of what I said and did was from a place of shame. I stepped into training camp with hope and excitement but it quickly turned to fear and hurt as all the things I’ve been told and told myself came crashing down on my head.
Incapable
Slut
Ugly
Unlovable
Unworthy
……..
I couldn’t escape the barrage of words that Shame kept throwing at my soul. If the words were not enough Shame would throw images of past mistakes and choices that I’ve made.
I was stuck.
But Shame had me right where he wanted me. This cycle had been my life for so long that I wasn’t even fighting anymore. The realization that struggling just made the noose tighter had been apparent for a long time, so I wasn’t even fighting anymore.
One night at training camp the speaker was talking about shame and fear. Let me tell you, I was squirming. I wanted nothing more than to be OUT of that session RIGHT. THEN. But something kept me glued to my seat.
The speaker told us to close our eyes and take a minute to think about how we view ourselves, what we say about and over ourselves.
Shame had a field day with that one. But this time I fought back. I fought back with truth, reality, and facts. I fought back with scripture and the fact that God has called me. And for the 10 seconds that I held my ground I saw a glimpse of the Courtney I was before Shame. Before I accepted the lie that I will never be more than the sum of my mistakes and things done to me. She was fearless, brave, confident, and powerful. Shame saw the chink in its armor and quickly pointed out “yeah, but you ruined your chance of ever being her again. You are FAR too broken now.” So back to darkness we went.
We probably only had our eyes closed for 90 seconds or less but I felt more broken and alone after those 90 seconds than I had in a long time.
Until I heard the words “Okay, keep your eyes closed, but this time I want you to ask God to reveal what He thinks of you, what He says of you.”
Shame went to work filling my heart and soul with a cacophony of voices reminding me of all the reasons I would never be worthy of God’s calling.
Not gonna lie, I was super discouraged. I knew in that moment that living with this shame didn’t have to be part of my story, but I didn’t know how to escape. In my heart I cried out these words
“Jesus…Help”
Silence
Blissful, beautiful, perfect
Silence
Through the silence I heard these words
“My beautiful child, you are chosen and you are MINE.”
Beautiful
Chosen
His
Those words began to permeate every crevice of my soul. Every broken place of my heart. Beautiful. Chosen. His.
Shame has no power here. My story doesn’t end with Shame being the victor. My Jesus didn’t die to rescue me from sins just to watch me wallow in shame and fear.
Shame has no place here
Shame has been cast out
My story doesn’t end with the casting out of Shame. That’s where the beautiful story of restoration CONTINUES.
So square up Shame. My Jesus has conquered the grave and has given that same power to His children, of which I am one. So square up.
