I’m supposed to be writing a sermon right now, but instead I’m here.
A week ago, we got on a bus for forty hours and traveled to Ecuador, where we said goodbye to our full squad of forty-three people and split into our teams of six or seven to go to different ministries all over the country. Our bus dropped us off at eight in the morning in Guayaquil, and upon arriving at our new home for the month, it became clear that ministry was going to look quite a bit different than it had in Medellin. Obviously, we have significantly fewer people to share a space and spend time with, but the ministry itself is a whole new set of experiences that I have already been growing a lot from (more on that in future posts).
For the month of February, we are partnering with an established network of churches all over the city. The six of us are living in an apartment above one of them, along with one of our squad leaders, who will be with us all month to disciple us through the work we are doing. As part of church ministry, the pastors have all asked us to preach and share testimonies at several church services, both on Sunday mornings and throughout the week. We knew none of this going into the month, so it was all new information that we got on the morning we arrived. As we went over the rough draft of the month’s schedule with our host that morning, we realized that the next day was a Sunday, and that our responsibilities were starting immediately.
We were told at training camp way back in October that preaching would be a regular part of our time on the Race, and that we should all be prepared with a ‘pocket sermon’ or two to pull out in situations like the one I found myself in earlier this week. They told us it was not uncommon to show up to church on Sunday, especially in Africa, and be informed that a member of the group was expected to deliver the message. We at least had a day to figure out what we were doing, but in that instance, we would have been lost. I, of course, being the procrastinator that I am, did not take that advice, and I am beginning to regret it.
That morning, my first thought was, There is no way I could be ready in time to preach tomorrow morning. That same thought was sitting in everyone else’s head as well, though, and no one felt ready to volunteer. After a few moments of awkward silence, someone made the joke that we should cast lots and trust that God would reveal His choice through that. Rather than sit and stare at each other any longer, we decided that was the best course of action. We put six red cards and one black card in a pile, each drew one, and on the count of three, raised them to our foreheads and looked around the circle. To my relief, I saw that Jake had the black card, but in that moment, I knew that I still was not off the hook.
The Sunday service was followed later in the week by an evening service on Wednesday, and another one at the same church on Thursday. Thankfully, we have had a little more prep time since that first Sunday to start putting messages together, so asking someone to bring a message or testimony has not been as much of a gamble as it was at the beginning. Still, though, each time the question gets asked, I don’t feel ready. My message isn’t fleshed out at all, and is just sitting as a loosely connected series of bullet points in a note on my phone. Every time I sit down to work on it I feel like it’s going nowhere, and I end up putting it off to the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
After the Sunday service tomorrow morning, four of my teammates will have had the chance to preach, and I know that my time is quickly approaching. And I can’t even pinpoint exactly what my problem is with it. I’ve never really felt nervous about public speaking. I’ve preached at church before, and delivered several messages to the youth group at my church back home. If I had to point a finger somewhere, it would probably be at my own misconception that growing up in church and around Christianity my entire life was sufficient in and of itself to teach me everything I needed to know about my faith. I’m quickly learning, in one of many painful growing processes I’m going through, that I have never truly taken ownership of what I believe.
In one of our discussions with Brittany, our squad leader, yesterday, she put it in a way that really hit home with me. Using the analogy of Jesus feeding the five thousand, she explained that a pastor in a church can only grow you up to a point. Jesus took the five loaves of bread and multiplied them, handing full loaves to the disciples to distribute. They, in turn, handed pieces of these loaves to the crowd. In the same way, what a pastor delivers to his congregation are just pieces of what he receives from spending time with God. We can only receive pieces from the spiritual leaders in our lives. True, full growth can only come from digging into the Scriptures on our own, and spending intentional, intimate time in communion with God on a daily basis. I don’t do that. I never really have.
When I sit down to write a sermon, all I can think about is that I don’t know the Scripture as well as I should. I don’t know what I want to talk about, because anything that I think might be a good topic doesn’t have any direct references to back it up that come to mind right away. I look everything up in pointed Google searches to match whatever topic comes to mind, and nothing about it feels organic. At the beginning, when the sermon discussion first came up, everyone seemed to have a passage that jumped right out as something they should preach on, and I sat in the circle realizing how much I didn’t know.
If I could ask for prayers, it would be for continued growth in this area, and for peace and clarity for what God wants me to share when I preach next week. It’s a work in progress, and I know that I still have a lot to learn, and a lot of confidence to gain. I’ve always wanted to do the Race because I viewed it as an opportunity to learn, and I’m realizing every day that there are more opportunities for that than I ever imagined. Even better, it’s only month two! I am so excited to see how much I grow from this year, but even in that excitement, I know growth will not come easy. Please keep praying for that as well, throughout this whole experience – that I would never get comfortable or complacent, and that I would keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone with every new day and every new ministry I get to be a part of.
Thank you, as always, for following along in this journey. More updates in the coming week about the other aspects of our ministry this month!
