I walked up to the blank yellow wall, excitement coursing through my fingertips. My team was painting a mural of greenery and plants outside our church building, and everyone was going to paint something for the wall. I thought I would bring a fern or some shrub, a small plant I could be proud of. Here’s the finished product:
Beautiful right?! I wanted nothing more to add in, but as I was looking at plants to paint, the Lord said two words- mango tree. Over and over again my brain said mango tree, that He wanted me to paint a giant tree in this mural of plants. I went through a few rounds of “no I’m not qualified” and “choose something else”, but the Lord persisted. Its pretty hard to outargue God, so I relented. I went to a side wall and began to paint a mango tree.
Right now I am confident in where I am and what the Lord called me to do (I might even know where He’s leading me after the Race), but I wasn’t always that way. When my parents split up in 2012, I didn’t know what to do, where to go, or even who I was. Dark periods of time can do some twisted things to a person. They can create roots of sickness in a person’s soul that don’t even show up until months or years down the road. A lot of sickness rooted into my soul when I was young- I was plagued by fear, haunted by abandonment, and overcome by anxiety. Deep down, I never believed I was beautiful or loved, and I always assumed that people were disappointed in me. For years and years I have carried this weight of constant shame and fear. I carried this pain through middle school, high school, my first job, my first relationship, and even onto the Race.
By the time I arrived in Cambodia, those hurts I buried deep down had sprouted into weeds- as in, the junk I stuffed down as a child was popping up for others to see. Without even knowing it, I was speaking and acting in ways that not only dragged me down, but also dragged down my teammates. I spoke harshly and without thinking, I freeze up when I don’t know how to handle basic situations, and I walk in a constant fear of my teammates’ anger. They aren’t angry with me, but I lived in a constant state of believing that deep down they hated me. See, I called myself a daughter of God, but I walked as a prisoner of the enemy.
Before me was a little mango tree, growing and thriving. It had a single mango, the sign of good fruit. After I painted the mango tree, the Lord told me to paint a shadow springing up from the base of the trunk. I saw the image of a giant thriving tree, one full of fruit and life. It seemed like something too big for me to paint, but I told my team what the Lord showed me. They opened the image with open arms and gave me the freedom to keep painting what God told me to paint, even if I wasn’t “qualified”. I started at the base of the mango tree and began to paint it up the wall. It grew higher and higher, until I had to start standing on a bench to reach. Then I had to stand on a chair on the bench to reach further! Luckily, no injuries were made in the process of creating this mural.
In John 11, Jesus’s good friend Lazarus dies. He is buried in a tomb and lies dead for days, long enough that the body began to smell. Jesus then goes to see Lazarus, mourns his death, and then raises Lazarus from the dead. He commands “Lazarus, come out”, and when Lazarus walks out (now this is the crucial part), his hand and feet are bound in linen straps and his head is wrapped in a cloth (11:43-44 ESV). Jesus then says to the people nearby “Unbind him, and let him go.”
See, Jesus will call people out of sin, but they will never be free until the church sets them free. If a promiscuous woman comes to the church and accepts Christ, but is considered unclean by the church, then she is not free. If a committed criminal comes to the church and is welcomed by Jesus but rejected by his followers, then he is not free. We as the church are all committed sinners, and that alone should leave us all in chains. Jesus’s death is mighty enough to cover even the blackest of sins, so why would we ever shut anyone out? No one can condemn anyone else without condemning themselves. The church is called to welcome people and set them free from their pasts.
I was called out of death by Jesus, but it took the acceptance and rebuking of my teammates to call me into freedom. They say the things others were afraid to say and love me beyond anything I am or could ever do. My teammates and I have lived in Cambodia for three months of culture shock, learning, teaching, and growing in the Lord. We have seen each other during the highs and lows, the victories and defeats. They know me in a way no one else can, as I know them in a way outsiders can’t understand. Now, as I prepare for Ethiopia and our new home, I look in expectation for what the Lord is gonna do next. I have my team of eight and squad of forty-eight by my side as Jesus leads us into a new round of madness and ministry.
I stood back in awe, marveling at the picture on the wall. Before me was a little mango tree, growing and thriving. It had a single mango, the sign of good fruit. After I painted the mango tree, the Lord told me to paint a shadow springing up from the base of the trunk. It grew into a giant mango tree, and it became so big that the branches went higher than the wall. Each limb was covered in fruit and healthy as can be. I could still see each flaw and mistake on the shadowy tree, but it was more than I ever thought I could paint.
The Lord told me to paint the mango tree as a vision for Light of Hope Church (our home in Kampot). It symbolized the growth the church has already had, the fruit they are bearing in the surrounding community, and the promise of a prosperous future. I have teammates who were far more qualified to paint this tree, but God chose me. All my teammates did was give me the freedom to do what the Lord called me to do. Galatians 5:1 says “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand therefore and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” I am free from my past, I bear good fruit, and God is shaping me into someone greater than I could ever imagine on my own.
Hey friends! Thanks for reading my blog, your support means the world <3 I still have $1500 to raise before the end of 2018, so if you like my content please feel free to donate. I won’t have a lot of wifi for the next three months (unless I don’t raise enough money to stay on the Race) so blogs may become a little more spread out. Thank you for all of your prayers and thoughtful texts, it gives me joy to know that I have such a great support system. Until next time!!
~CLS
