Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 (ESV)
The excitement of this trip is overwhelming. It is like never leaving a room full of puppies, eating nothing but chipotle and ice cream, and never getting fat (aka the dream life)! I wish that when people asked me about it that I knew how to put into words the way this opportunity makes me feel. In all of the excitement, I sometimes forget to bring my mind back to Earth and have those big deal questions.
As I have been really digging into the process and what this next year is going to look like, reading blogs and meeting for coffee with past trippers I have realized my life is going to change, like in ways that I will never be able to wrap my head around. Of course, I knew going into this that I would learn and grow in so many ways. I know that I am not going to change the world or bring Jesus to these people and be this awesome saving grace to them. They don’t need me.. God doesn’t need me.. Does he want to use me? Yes. Will he use me? I sure hope so. I hope I can humble myself enough to truly be used by him. I am going on this trip and I am going to be changed and stretched more then I could ever do for someone else. I almost feel selfish going because I know they will help me more than I could ever help them.
So as I am processing these big ideas, trying to wrap my head around my new version of life I am having more true, honest conversations. This morning I was laying in bed texting one of my dear friends. As she works night shift she was heading to bed as I waking up for the day (bless her heart). After a few simple texts and lots of laughing out loud I had an overwhelming feeling of how much I was going to miss her… and my other friends. While so much of my life from now until August of 2019 will be consumed by this trip. As I continued to talk to her I realized that her life will go on too. While I am gone I will miss out on babies being born, houses being bought, marriages between friends, graduations of former students, and other life events of those that I care about.
When I come back sure I will be able to pick up where I left off.. but they too will have experienced things and made memories that I will only get to hear about. That is a hard pill to swallow. I know I will have times where I can communicate with people here in the states and that through pictures and video calls I will be there with them through as much as I can but it breaks my heart to think of the things I will be missing out on…
So I give that worry and that broken heart to God.
I have a fear of what coming home will look like. This has many different folds to it. When I went to Belize for just alittle over a month I came back and had a hard time readjusting to the states. I came back and had more culture shock trying to live as a Westerner than I did trying to adjust to the Belizian culture. And that was only a month! What will a year do to me? What will all the brokenness and pain that I see do to me? What will all the heart molding eye opening things I experience do to me? How will I come back from that? I don’t want to just come back and blend back into my job and into this materialistic life, I’m leaving.
To add on top of that I am coming back homeless. I am coming back to no job. I am coming back to a storage locker with some of my larger belongings in it, a few totes of clothes and two dogs, but that is all. I know I will not be on the streets. I know, and have had people already offer, that I will have a place to sleep. I will have a roof over my head and food to eat. I know I will be taken care of. But the idea is terrifying. I am going from a life of abundance and having more then I could ever need to a backpack and storage unit. Another hard pill to swallow.
I give that fear to God because I know he already has it taken care of.
So there is this really awesome thing that happens up until you turn 26 years old. You can still be covered under your parent’s insurance. You don’t have to worry about all the companies, their different plans, and what coverage you may need, you just bat your eyes and beg for your parents to love you enough to not let you die because you’re still trying to figure out all the other bills that come with adulthood. I am one of those lucky ones that have not had to pay the extra money to get my own health insurance. But guess what? While I am gone I will be turning 26. I will no longer be able to use my eyelashes to make sure I can afford health care. On top of that I will no longer have access to the pretty decent health care provided through being a teacher. And as I begin to look at all the other wonderful things that come with turning 26 and no longer holding a career position.
These uncertainties and the stress I let it hold in my life, I give to God.
Of course there are many fears going into this. Of course there are a million things running through my head on a daily basis where I wonder “what if…” or “what about…” and I honestly have no idea what the answer is. So for those of you reading this and who are willing to pray me through this next year and a half, I would so appreciate your prayers for all of these fears and any others I am going to encounter.
