**A majority of what you’re about to read came from the blog of Jordan Richburg, a fellow Racer on a different squad. I’ve put my own personal experiences and feelings in, but the vision of this blog came from her PHENOMENAL perspective about coming home which I believe is very applicable to how I feel about returning home and what I need from you when I do.**
269 days ago I boarded a plane that would take me on the adventure of a lifetime…
I never in my wildest dreams expected to experience everything I’ve experienced in these last 10 months. To say I’ve experienced “a lot” would be an understatement. I’ve experienced great joy and great brokenness. I’ve witnessed some of the darkest places in the world. I’ve also witnessed some of the most beautiful places in the world. I’ve received multiple marriage proposals based on my biological race. I’ve been begged by African women to take their babies home with me in hopes that they would live a more fruitful life. I’ve experienced 3 vastly different cultural continents. I’ve walked through African villages where children get one meal a day and then two months later walked by a $200,000 Bentley in Asia. I’ve tasted exotic foods. I’ve paid money to squat over a hole to urinate. I’ve lived in the tropics for what will be 11 months. I’ve sweated for what will be 11 months. I’ve shared one bedroom with anywhere between 2-22 girls. I’ve gained abundant spiritual growth and have gained new life-long friendships within my squad. Now we’re at 57 days. That’s it. 57 days are all that stand between me and home. 57 days stand between me and some of the hardest goodbyes of my life. 57 days stand between me and some of the sweetest hellos of my life. 57 days stand between me seeing my family and friends for the first time in 11 months not through a phone screen. 57 days stand between me hugging them for the first time in almost a year. 57. Days. Woah.
I’m writing this blog with the utmost respect and admiration for all of you who have followed this journey, and who are excited for my upcoming re-entry into the States. Returning to the States can be a difficult transition to make. I wanted to take time to prepare you for what to expect and to give you a glimpse of where my heart is at about coming home. My hope is that you read this, assume some positive intentions, and do your best to apply this to how you welcome me back home. Keep in mind, I am feeling all the feels about this transition, but I won’t be able to fully know how I feel until I’m actually touching U.S. soil for a while. Ya feel?
I need you to know this:
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I love you and I’m truly so excited to see you, but I’m also so terrified to leave a community of people who know me so well. I’m terrified to land in the U.S. and just walk away from them. To be alone for the first time in 11 months. They are the few people in this world that actually know what I’ve walked through. They’ve walked through it too.
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I will go through a grieving process. I will grieve the ending of the World Race. That might sound dramatic to you, but it’s something I find to be very accurate to how I feel when I think of leaving a community like this. I was never afraid of the darkness of the world. I was afraid of the potential darkness of home. Coming back and becoming complacent. Falling back into old habits. It’s not at all what I want for myself, but it can happen.
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I can’t share my entire journey in just one interaction. A lot has happened and I want to share it all with you, but I want to do justice to what the Lord has walked me through and the Kingdom He has brought with me over the last year. That can’t be accomplished in just one day.
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Please don’t be hurt or offended if I don’t reach out to you immediately when I get home. I need to adjust. I need to process. I need time. I believe America will be my greatest culture shock of all and I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what I need. I just ask that you give me the space to figure that out and trust that I will reach out when I am ready.
What I don’t need:
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I don’t need you to ask me, “How was it?” I can’t answer that question.
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I don’t need you to ask me, “How do you feel about being home?” I promise you, I will feel it all.
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I don’t need you to ask me, “What was your favorite country?” In all honesty, they are all my favorite, but for vastly different reasons. I would much prefer to answer more specific questions.
What I think I need:
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Time. Lots of it. Time to grieve. Time to process. Time to grasp the fact that I just traveled the world for one year. That I have been to 11+ countries and experienced, saw, and realized so many new things.
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Patience from you.
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Grace. Grace that you can give me for potentially being slightly mentally unstable for a while.
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Your support. I’m going to need people. I’ve been emotionally blocked most of the Race and I’ve been praying for release in that. With that in mind, I might have a mental breakdown at some point. It might be by myself, it might be while I’m driving my car, or walking around a grocery store. A day after being home. A year after being home. I don’t really know. Just be ready.
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A listening ear. More often than not, what I tell you about the Race will surprise you. I know that I’ve shared some of my experiences in blogs, but that is just a drop in the bucket. There is so much more wrapped up in me. I want to be intentional with my sharing, but I need you to be intentional about receiving it. My answers may be uncomfortable, but that was my reality for 11 months.
Below is a list of good, specific questions you can ask me about the Race. This will also help me process and move on, somewhat. If you know you will be having a conversation with me at some point, I’d really appreciate if you would jot down a few of these questions that you really want to know about my trip. I just ask that you please don’t ask me, “How’d it go?” or “Did you have fun?”
Don’t be that person. Please.
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Did you ever live in your tent for a month?
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How did you adjust to the race month 1?
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What ministry did you do month (#)?
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What is “team time” and why did you have it everyday?
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When did you start feeling homesick?
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What was it like living in constant community?
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How did being on a co-ed team compare to an all girls team?
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What were you feeling in Costa Rica?
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Was their conflict on your first team?
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How were travel days for you?
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How did you take it when you had no wifi in Nicaragua?
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What was it like that first day in Africa?
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How do you feel about squatty potties?
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How do you feel about most countries charging you to use public toilets?
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What did it feel like to be a part of someone receiving salvation?
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What was evangelism like in ______?
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What was your favorite ministry in Nicaragua?
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How did you feel about your living conditions in Malawi?
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What was it like being away from home during the holidays?
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How did you feel about your team changes?
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How did you feel about not having any wifi or internet access on your base in Swaziland?
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Have you gotten physically sick on the Race?
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Who are you close to on your squad?
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What is a debrief?
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What was your favorite food in Central America?
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Why was Swaziland so heavy?
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What was your experience at Angkor Wat like?
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How did it feel to preach to people?
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Was being on an all girls team what you thought it would be?
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What is a Tuk Tuk?
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Tell me about Shear Love
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What has been the most impactful ministry you’ve partnered with?
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Tell me about your adventure days. Do you have a favorite?
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What did rest days look like for you?
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What was Victoria Falls like?
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Did you experience any healing? whether that be your own or someone else’s?
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How did you feel about getting your first tattoo?
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Why did you get a second tattoo?
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How did you feel about living in the tropics for 11 months?
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What was it like to tell your testimony on the Race?
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Were you intimidated by spiritual maturity within your squad?
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What did it feel like to have a bed, hot water, and a washing machine easily accessible?
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How does it feel to have wifi everywhere after 3 months of it being scarce?
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What does quiet time with the Lord look like for you?
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Was it hard to stay present on the Race?
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What was it like being a Team Leader for 4 months?
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What was fasting like in Swaziland?
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What books or verses in the Bible impacted you on the Race?
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What kind of music did you listen to?
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Who is Menice and Mo Ki Khan?
You get the point. I have 57 days left. My main goal is to remain present, press into my team/squad, and continue to grow and seek the Father for what He has for me in these last few weeks of my Race.
Also, a huge unknown for me is you. I have no idea what your life has looked like in the last 11 months. What you’ve walked through. What your peaks and valleys have been. Hear me when I say I don’t view myself as some seasoned missionary or grand savior riding back into the States on a white horse. I really hope you don’t expect that either. Do I wanna share my experiences? Yes. But I don’t want it to be all about me. I wanna hear about you, too. My ministry doesn’t end when my plane touches down. Ministry is a continuation and home will soon become my ministry. You become my ministry. And hopefully I become your ministry. I need you to know that.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for making adjustments to how you welcome me home. Thank you for your intentionality with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for seeking to listen and understand. Thank you.
All my love,
Carsyn
