After our first few days in Thailand debriefing with our entire squad, our teams were able to split up and go where the Lord was leading each of us. My team (CAKE) and one other team (Harmony) decided to go to Chiang Mai and take three days to pray and fast together as a group. We were praying over Thailand and seeking the Lord about what He has planned for us while we are here this month.
If you’ve read my earlier blogs or really had much interaction with me at all, you probably picked up on the fact that I had pretty gnarly concussion a little over four years ago. You may have also noticed that I get a little squirmy talking about it, but somehow it always seems to come up in conversation. This is because the effects of a traumatic brain injury are much more than physical. Yes – headaches are a major factor, but it changes you mentally too, which consequently affects your emotional and social state as well. If I am being completely vulnerable, there are parts of me that will never be the same as before I hit my head. And for the past four years that has been an overwhelming concept for me to embrace, much less attempt to articulate to others. Back in January, during our first week of training camp, I was explaining this to one of our coaches Karen (who is a World Race LEGEND – hey Mama K!!) Karen asked me if I’ve ever taken the time to grieve the loss of who I was before I hit my head. Wut. As strange as that sounds, that was the first time anyone had ever validated in me that being different now was something worth grieving. Usually when I try to explain to people that who I am is different as a result of my concussion, I get the same general Christianese spiel about how my identity is in Christ and it doesn’t matter what I was like before I hit my head or what I’m like now because God’s love for me is not conditional or dependent on my abilities. Which is SO true and BOY, have I desperately needed those reminders these past four years, but sometimes these conversations just left me feeling even more misunderstood. Until recently.
Going into the fast this week, I told my team I would gladly devote myself to prayer with the group for all three days, but I only felt comfortable fasting from food for the first day. I know it doesn’t take much for my brain to feel foggy and sluggish, and lack of food can sometimes do that, so out of fear of decreasing my mental state, I only committed to fasting for the first day. My team was 100% supportive and didn’t pressure me to fast at all. However, after the first day of fasting, my brain felt normal and I was able to focus and pray just fine, so I decided to finish out the entire three day fast with the team.
My struggle with this post-concussion-identity-crisis was NOT the focus of this fast and was not something I had even spent much time praying about that week. On the morning of the third day of the fast, a few of us were casually worshipping and praying. Seemingly out of nowhere, one of my squad-mates Travis came up to me, placed his hand on my head, and simply said, “Your head is healed. Don’t be scared.” That was it.
I was honestly kind of taken aback. Sometimes worship can be a challenge for me, and I often get headaches, especially if in that time I am trying to process difficult emotions. However, that particular morning I was totally calm and focused on the Lord in all His goodness. I wasn’t frustrated, overwhelmed, or in pain. My head injury was not something Travis and I had discussed recently or frankly much at all. That’s how I know Travis was merely delivering a message from God in sheer obedience.
I began thinking about my head injury and praying about ways I feel like it still affects me. I am not claiming that Travis healed my brain in that moment nor am I claiming that I’ll never stutter or have another migraine again. What I AM claiming is that I no longer have to hold on to that event in my life as the thing that defines who I am.
YEAH I SAID IT. That concussion was just one thing that happened in my life. I am no longer living in fear of hitting my head again, or keeping quiet because I feel like I can’t express my thoughts, or clamming up because I am overstimulated. I’m just living. I have my daily struggles but so does the next guy. Yes, I’m not EXACTLY who I was before I hit my head. But I am who I am, and I’m pretty darn “fierce” (as my teammates like to call me).
For years close friends have tried to convince me that my value didn’t decrease the day I hit my head (cue the “Identity in Christ” speech), but for some reason, as much as I wanted to believe that, I still struggled to compare my current self to who I was before. The Lord has intentionally placed me in several situations over the past few months that have both forced me to rely on Him and given me the confidence to be completely and unashamedly who I am. All of these situations leading up to this fast have added up and impacted me in such a way that and I can finally, whole heartedly, gleefully, proclaim that I am HEALED, and I am FREE. WOWZA.
Last thing – I know there are people reading this who have walked with me through this for so long. You are the ones who continued to faithfully remind me of my true identity and self-worth despite me rolling my eyes and clinging to my comfortable brokenness. You have prayed relentlessly for complete healing and true freedom for me, and that is not something that has gone unseen. Each of those prayers were powerful and heard. To God alone be the glory, but this is me sending a thousand hugs of gratitude across the oceans to each of you. I’m so thankful the Lord used you somewhere along the way to chip away at my stubborn heart until it finally cracked. I feel so loved by each one of you. Thank you for playing a major role in me finding freedom and TRULY believing that I am who He says I am.
Life hack: God is faithful guys and His promises are true so listen up when your friends remind you of that!!!
Thanks for reading and supporting,
Cari
