Sorry you haven’t heard from me this month in South Africa. I felt like I needed to take a break from writing to sit with the Lord and process a few things from last month. Swaziland was one of the more difficult months for me. Leaving Lesotho was so bitter sweet. I was ready to experience a new country but the thoughts of leaving the kids at the orphanage broke my heart. Knowing that I would never see them again and had no way to keep in contact with them made me very sad.
Our host in Lesotho came over one day for lunch. As we sat at the kitchen table she began talking to us about each of the children. She shared various stories of how each child came to them. Each story was very different. Some I couldn’t wrap my head around, others just made me very angry. One that stood out to me was a mother who left her 2-year-old at a bus stop all alone. I’m not a parent but I don’t know how anyone could do that. Our goodbyes were so tough and everything that had become comfortable to me in the first 4 months of the race was about to change.
We left Lesotho and drove to Nelspruit where we had a 5 day debrief. A time where we could relax, catch up with one another, worship together, and look back on the previous month and remember what the Lord did. Debrief this month looked a little different for us. This is when we received team switches. I was excited but also sad to say goodbye to the people who had become family.
So why was Swaziland so hard for me?
We arrived in Swaziland with our new teams but also as a whole squad. Having it be all squad month trying to get to know my new team members was not easy. In the first week, I found it easy to cling to those who were familiar to me. Those who I had become close with. Slowly as the month went on you could see everyone beginning to make efforts with their new teams. The friends I had made were no longer coming to me asking me if I wanted to do something; but instead we’re hanging out with the people from their new teams, which was the whole point. It just took a lot of getting use too and realizing I needed to make the same effort with my new team. For ministry we were all working at different places. I was with one other person from another team. So, this was just another reason that made getting to know and connect with my new team challenging.
As the month continued I felt like I had become emotionless to everything around. I started to really miss home and I found myself daydreaming constantly about being home again and seeing my family and friends. Loneliness this month was a real thing. Something I never really thought would be an issue. Crazy right? I was surrounded by 40 others and still found myself feeling so alone. I would come back from ministry and most days just isolate myself. I spent a lot of time in my tent, keeping to myself. You heard that right! I slept in a tent all month and I think the Lord new it was exactly what I needed. I felt like such an introvert. When I wasn’t in my tent I spent a lot of time sitting up on the porch by myself. I would look out and watch everyone interacting with each other. I felt very disconnected from my squad but the Lord brought me a sweet friend about a week into my time in Swaziland. We stayed at a homestead with a family who had a granddaughter around my age who was staying with them for the school year. I really enjoyed her company and found myself most days hanging out with her whenever I had the chance. I am so thankful for the blessing she was to me in my time in Swaziland.
During worship one night we started off in groups of two praying for one another. This was the first time I was able to open up about how I had been feeling. My sweet friend Macy sat and listened to what I had to say. After encouraging me and speaking life over me, she prayed and one thing she asked me was, “Is God enough for you?” This really challenged me and got me thinking. If God was all I had would that be enough? I quickly realized that nothing here on earth is guaranteed and if I lost everything, I’d be okay because I’d have Jesus. I had realized I had put all my hope in unmet expectations and unmet friendships instead of looking to Jesus- the one secure thing in this world. There’s time where life can become overwhelming or where we feel like the world is against us but we ultimately have to remember that God is for us. In those moments we need to plant ourselves in His word and remember that He is enough.
“And my God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
I began asking myself where all these feelings were stemming from. I had felt like a part of me had died and I hadn’t been myself all month. I had several people ask me if everything was okay and every time I would reply with yes. Nothing really was wrong. I was neither sad nor happy. Like I said, I felt like I had no emotions towards anything. I realized that I needed to press into Jesus. I had become so concerned with what was next that I wasn’t making the most of what was right in front of me. I needed to shift my perspective and trust that the Lord had me exactly where He wanted me and that He would be there to take care of my every need.
At the end of the month my team had expressed how there was something lacking and how we all craved quantity time with one another. We did team time, feedback, and would do dinner together three nights a week but there was still something missing and we were ready for a month by ourselves as a team. And we got that this month in South Africa.
We are staying in Pretoria in such a beautiful home, with an amazing host family. Things have been going well. While I was in Swaziland I had prayed and asked the Lord for a different type of ministry in the months to come. The first 5 months I had worked with children which I had absolutely loved and enjoyed; but I was ready to be stretched in new ways. I believe the Lord has a sense of humor because ministry this month has definitely looked different. This month I have been working with Beam Africa. I’ve helped in the office putting together portfolio and doing paper work. I’ve also helped our host around the house. Right before we had arrived she hosted a parent’s vision trip and then 50 gap year kids. So, we had lots of bedding to wash. I also was able to make a delicious American meal for a family who had recently lost their father. The reason why I said I think the Lord has a sense of humor though is because a lot of our time has been spent doing flamingo rehabilitation.
Currently, most of South Africa is in a drought. Due to the drought a lot of wildlife have left their homes to go look for water. One of the animals taking a huge hit is flamingos. Mother flamingos would lay their eggs then have to go find water and would completely desert their babies. The government had to step in and collect all of the eggs to disperse them through the country if there was going to be any hope of saving the next generation of flamingos. A gentleman in the area where we are staying took 200 of these eggs and has been caring for these baby flamingos until they are strong enough to be let back out into the wild. Over the last three weeks, my team has had the opportunity to go and help out with this project. We prepare the food and then feed all 200 baby flamingos. Within the time we have been there the flamingos have grown significantly in size and are finally starting to turn pink. This wasn’t exactly what I pictured myself doing here in Africa but it has been fun, and I now have a pretty cool story to tell. A lot of people from the community come to volunteer. So, over our time there we have had the opportunity to meet many different people and share with them about what we do and why we do it. It has opened up many conversations to be able to share about Christ. I have really enjoyed that part of working with the flamingos. I am all about building relationships and letting people know how much Christ loves them.
This month has been so refreshing. I have been able to spend a lot of time with my team getting to know them on a personal level. I have been able to dig deeper in my walk and spend many hours reading and growing in His word. It has been so sweet. In just a few days I will be traveling to Nicaragua. The country I have been waiting for this whole time! This is the country the Lord spoke to me in about doing missions and here I am! I am so excited and am thankful for how far I have come. The Lord has done a lot in my life and I am forever thankful to be able to be doing what I’m doing. Thank you all for your faithful prayers. I am now half way done with my journey. Only 5 more months to go.
Love you all!!!
Cae
