Five months ago, I found my voice in a Psalm for the first time. I’d heard before that the Psalms are a place where we can find our voice, no matter what season we’re in with the Lord, but I was always turned off by the archaic voice, the amount of emotion…
One night for worship, my team was sitting on the couch in Chiang Mai, asking Holy Spirit to give us a Psalm we could meditate on for the next week. For me, this looked like randomly thinking about the number 118, so I turned to that Psalm and read it. Only, I don’t believe it was coincidental that I thought that number, as I connected with a Psalm for the first (and not the last) time.
“Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
For his steadfast love endures forever!
Let Israel say, “His steadfast love endures forever.”
Let the house of Aaron say, “His steadfast love endures forever.”
Let those who fear the Lord say, “His steadfast love endures forever.”
Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
the Lord answered me and set me free.
The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?
The Lord is on my side as my helper;
I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes….
I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”
I’ve found my story in this Psalm. Whenever I have been discontent, I surrendered to Jesus, and He made me content. Jesus is fighting for me and He always wins, so I have no reason to be worried about anything people might say or do to me. There’s nothing people can do that will change who I am, because my life is steady in the Lord. My hope and blessings aren’t in who I will marry, or what my possessions are, because Jesus is way more worth it than a prince!!
This is my final blog on the field. We left Swaziland on May 26, and are currently sitting in the Johannesburg airport, getting ready to fly to the states.
I’ve said goodbye to the stillness and silence of Africa, to my sweet 5 year old friend Tuba, to shipping container sunsets. I’m saying goodbye to 43 other people who have sought me out, made me feel known, celebrated with me, and simply lived life next to me.
I believe the word ‘bittersweet’ was created for this time.
The bitter pieces are knowing that Tuba, the five year old boy I’ve gotten to laugh with every day for the past 3 months, will keep going to the care point every day, but I’ll never see him again. It’s knowing that friendships where we get in each other’s space, play cards for hours, make up random lyrics to random ukulele chords, and worship at the top of our lungs in fields covered in stars, will change. It’s knowing that the race that I prepared for longer than I actually was overseas is coming to an end, and therefore I won’t be living life all over the world in this next season. It’s like going back to real life- but I don’t actually know what that looks like in America anymore, because I am so different.
The sweet pieces are knowing that I am so different; this season has had really hard points. There have been days where I didn’t want to get out of bed (or eat another peanut butter and mixed berry jelly sandwich), but this season has built me into a kinder, grounded, stronger, more content, more joyful, peaceful woman who loves God more than anything else. It’s knowing that there are now 44 incredible people going to different communities across all of America that want everyone else to experience God’s grace and love and freedom. It’s knowing that I have friendships that will last until we’re little old ladies. It’s knowing that I got to love people I would have never met, and see wildly different parts of the world. It’s knowing that God is good, so this is not my best season ever; I have way more dreams and better seasons to come. It’s knowing that I’m going home to a beautiful place, with my favorite foods, where I can hug my dog and celebrate Natalie Keesaw’s birthday!! (love you & can’t wait to celebrate you!)
Right now, I’m soaking up these people, spontaneous paint parties, long mornings reading the Bible with lukewarm french press coffee, bonfires, card games, and seeing all the sights (including Kruger!). I don’t think there’s anything I can do but celebrate the sweetness that living life for God is, and embrace the good as this transition happens.
I’ll be in New York and D.C. for the next couple days, and then I’ll be heading back to the west coast!
When you see me, please feel free to ask me questions, I don’t mind, though know that I might not have a nicely wrapped up answer.
I’ve learned more these past nine months overseas than I could possibly put into words. Maybe I’ll try to write a list someday.
Thank you for following my life these past 9 months, for encouraging me constantly, for helping financially support me, and for letting my words and wisdom hold weight in your life. I pray that you have gotten to learn more about God through my blogs, and that I’ve been able to brighten your days a little bit. I’m dreaming that this won’t be the end of me getting to share my writing and journey with the Lord with people, so I may have more blogs to come.
Love, and see ya so soon,
Cait
