What now? The ever daunting question for teenagers and twenty-somethings alike. I swear it never leaves. It’s valid, but I promise, it’s not the end-all-be-all question that the world or society or ourselves make it seem.
The “what now” question has been a driving factor over my life since I was 10 years old, when my mom asked 5th grade me if I was excited for middle school, and I replied, “Yes! Because middle school means that it’s almost high school which means that it’s almost college and I can go wherever I want!”
I’ve always rode the adrenaline of the what’s next-where to go-what to do- always stay moving kind of life. I’ve lived the fast pace life with the internship, job, multiple sports teams, straight A’s, church, clubs, and hobbies all crammed into a single day. I’ve dreamt big, and as soon as those dreams came into my hand, I’ve planned them out so they could happen.
I’ve always had dreams about what I would study and do for a career, where I would go to college, and I was driven to make them happen. College, a career that I loved in a place I loved, with no uncertainty, straight out of college, was never a question. It was the expectation- call it my own version of the white picket fence American dream.
Then senior year, Jesus told me to go on the World Race- not straight to college. I was excited. I would be traveling the freaking world after all! But, I was also nervous. I wasn’t going to college, doing what my friends were doing, I didn’t have direction or purpose. As soon as the world opened up via colleges, like I’d always dreamt, I had a feeling of being utterly stuck, missing something more deeply satisfying and suitable. So I signed up for the world race.
After committing to the race, I was unchained, caught in the discomfort of having plans I didn’t know details of, but unwilling to be uncomfortable. I spent senior year seeking comfort in people, in going places, in not being in one place long enough to really be seen/vulnerable/called out. I spent senior year shoving everything down and living my life for other people.
In this complete lack of self awareness and unhealthy life rhythms, God still moved, showed up with all the fundraising money I needed, and dropped me off in Guatemala- cue three of the most pressing, uncomfortable, icky, yet necessary months of my life.
In Guatemala Jesus broke me down. He showed me that anything I’d ever done was actually not because I was good, but because He is good. He showed me how deeply I’m flawed, just like everyone else, and how deeply I need Him, even though I loathed dependency. He showed me that my life, isn’t actually my own, because He created me and wants to use me as His vessel. But, He also showed me that being His vessel is the greatest, most satisfying, sweetest, wildest adventure possible.
Breaking that down- God is good, humans aren’t. My good and my gifts, your good and your gifts, are actually gifts from God. He created us and blessed us and knows us. Our lives have a huge purpose and a huge plan, but we don’t have to come up with it on our own and make all the right choices. We simply have to lean back into the promises God is speaking to us, and let Him use our lives for His glory.
He is worth surrendering it all. All the plans. All the pride and success.
End of month three, I was worshipping, and saw a video playing in my mind: there was a room with big windows looking out to foreign mountains- Nepal, maybe? In the room were men of all different ages, from different regions of Asia, all wearing their traditional clothing. Men with long greying beards and turbans, teenagers with tattoo sleeves- all of them crying out to Christ, worshipping with everything in them. Then God gave me pictures flipping through my mind like a deck of cards; firefighters, child soldiers, worldly enemies bleeding out in battlefield hospitals, ect.
Jesus showed me that I have a huge heart for men who don’t know that they’re leaders stepping into it, he showed me that I have a heart for Asia, the mountains, maybe medical/disaster relief. A heart for unity among nations separated by war. I was pumped.
End of month five. I thrived in Myanmar, got to help activate men to make their faith their own, got to see what it looks like to put radical trust in the Lord fulfilling dreams, and got to see Jesus fulfill dreams that were sought after prayerfully, with absolutely no planning. Resting in knowing that revival is coming and Jesus both gives us and fulfills our dreams. Walking into a season where I wanted vision in the form of exact plans for this coming year.
End of month six. I spent one month at a high school where everyone asked “what now?” I doubted the Lord answering my requests for vision, wanted Him to answer on my timeline, planned or next year, surrendered my plans, doubted again, planned again, and surrendered again. Jesus will answer at some point. Then I reunited with squadmates I’ve been away from for two months. I heard about all the incredible things they’ve lined up to do summer and fall this year. And then I compared and doubted again.
Who is my heart really for? What is my role in the vision I got three months ago? Where does God want me to go and what should I do?
This was uncomfortable. I know uncomfortable is growing. I knew that Jesus would teach me something in not having set plans. But even so, I tried to fabricate my own. Decide career paths I’d like in pretty places, decide college, decide all the jobs I’d ever have as a missionary in my life time and all the places I was called to go.
But then I leaned back. Jesus reminded me that I’m not supposed to do it all. He reminded me that life with Him is meant to be uncomfortable. That he has plans for me. That I need to have patience, and that I am not stuck.
When I leaned back, and finally surrendered to Jesus again, saying, “open doors for me to discover who my heart is for, take me to the middle east and teach me about your people and your land, give me direction, let me visit mountainous Asia and hear your voice distinctly through open and closed doors”, when I did this, He opened doors immediately.
He opened doors that show me His grand timing and faithfulness.
So, what now?
Now, I’m leaning back into knowing that Jesus is and will always open opportunities, I just have to pay attention, and be obedient in the discomfort.
Now I’m resting with open doors, knowing that God will be the light that guides my feet to wherever He wants me to go and whatever He wants me to do.
As it stands, Jesus has opened the doors for me to potentially begin Bible college and potentially go on another (much shorter) mission trip. As it stands, He has not confirmed my directions any more than that.
As it stands, I can’t tell you a very practical, logistical “what now”, and that is okay. In fact, it is good. Because in this open space where I stop trying to push my will over God’s, and truly let His will for my life be my will, I know that He is preparing my heart to see His kingdom come no matter where He sends me.
Love,
Cait
