Dear Future Me,
The past few weeks you have been living in a dream. Repeatedly, you’ve had experiences where you want to bottle up your mental images and put them on your windowsill, to forever have access to the sweetness of them. Your team went hiking with your friend, Silvia, ended up on man named Oscar’s horse ranch, got to ride his show horses, held newborn baby pigs, watched a pig give birth, and then got free broccoli. Y’all played soccer with eleven year old boys and scored a few goals. You went to the beach, swam in the warm Pacific at sunset, walked for miles down the beach feeling the presence of Holy Spirit, played cribbage for hours, floated in a pool filled with friends, slept under coconut palm trees, and saw baby sea turtles released at sunrise. Your team hosted a women’s event that nearly forty women and all of their children showed up to. Your team laughed and danced and served a lot together. You spent an evening singing Pentatonix Christmas album with team Agape. Your whole squad had Thanksgiving off, so y’all sat around a beautiful long table together, decorated with flowers and place cards, and you ate so much sweet potato casserole you didn’t want to move. Ethan, Jordy, and you played cribbage in the sun and watched an ultimate frisbee game at sunset. Alexus fed Caleb with his arms up in the air so that he could fit in a few more bites, and y’all shared your favorite Thanksgivings with each other. This was your favorite. You got to hear about the dreams of your english student, Alison, and her mom, creating the space for them to laugh and draw. Your squad watched Elf together and laughed- a lot. Emily and you met an impressionistic artist in his art studio, talked with him about his life dreams, and shared your own with him. You and Tylynn sat in a hammock for an hour sharing all about what God has put on your hearts, how God has grown you, and about where y’all want to be by the end of the race. Over and over your heart has been so full. But there’s also a flipside to this dream state you’ve been living in:
You have been coasting. You struggled month one in not thinking you needed God or that He spoke to you. You grew month two in love for Jesus and self awareness. And you let yourself become passive to growth month three. God gave you sweet rest for the first part of month three, but at some point, you got comfortable in it, and stopped digging in. It took you until now, with 13 days left in Guatemala, to realize that as wonderful as each one of these moments listed was, they are nothing without Jesus, and that your life as a whole is completely unimportant if you are not living out of intimacy with Jesus.
Out of time spent with Jesus, then you can be content no matter what your circumstances are. Then you can love, no matter who it is you are loving. Then you can be kind, joyful, patient, and serve others well. Then you can be thankful.
So you don’t get to coast any more. You are going to have your eyes wide open to everything God is doing right now. You are going to be present right now, you are going to grow right now, and you are going to love like Jesus right now.
Yes, you have already changed and grown tremendously.
You have learned that you were living from the lies that you were not whole without other people, that you were not pure, and that you could not possibly be a saint.
You have learned that you do need God, and this dependence can be your honor and joy.
You have learned a lot of self awareness about your personality (enneagram seven).
You learned that you need people to say hard, truthful things to you, and that those are loving.
You learned you were living pridefully and defensively and selfishly, but that you don’t have to.
You learned that community can be hard, and you need to set boundaries, but that healthy community is possible if everyone strives after putting one another’s needs first.
You learned you are a woman of peace and your foundation can only be in Jesus.
You learned that freedom flows from discipline, and that while this seems unrational and countercultural, it is, but it is also truth.
You learned you needed to surrender your plans to God, because His plans are better.
You learned that God is good, all the time, He wants to give you big dreams only He can accomplish, He wants to speak to you, and He will always speak to you in love, even when the words are harsh.
You have learned A LOT.
But do not be content with where you are. You still have a lot to grow and learn. Here are a lot of the things you want to grow in and be living out come June 1, 2019:
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Walk in boldness about who Jesus is
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Put others first
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Have your dependence on God be your honor
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Lead in vulnerability and love, which stems from self awareness
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Be walking in freedom
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Crave spending time with Jesus daily
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Know your gifts and passions
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Run with a yes in everything
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Know how to cultivate healthy community
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Be content with JUST Jesus
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Be disciplined
Love,
Month 3 Cait
