Living life for Jesus is not easy (which, to be fair, he warns us about in Matthew 7:14, “The gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few”). I have to sacrifice things everyday, and it’s uncomfortable, and I don’t always like it. I don’t always believe it’s worth it either. Yesterday morning I sat down in a coffee shop on the edge of Lake Atitlán, and had really been battling whether or not I really wanted to completely surrender to Jesus, because I like my life at home. My life is really fun and really good. I have enjoyed my life when I’m not sacrificing and not living for Jesus, and I really didn’t know why I needed to live for Him. So I sat down and prayed. “Lord Jesus, I’m struggling. I’m struggling hearing your voice, I’m struggling with wanting to live for you. I want you to invade me and my life, and I want there to be an irreversible change in who I am and what I desire. Please invade me with your love and show me why I need you. Lord, please invade me with how privilaged I am to be in Guatemala on the water. I don’t like giving up my freedoms for you. Please, Lord, guide me.”
And the Lord responded, clearly, “Thank me”. Great. So I wrote, “Lord, thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for the raindrops of the lake. Thank you for having a heart for me. Thank you for starting to heal my sickness. Thank you for sweet cinnamon chai and beautiful music. Thank you for clean drinking water and a beautiful hostel. Thank you for pulling me into this hard place at a time when I can rest on You, when I have mentors to lean on, and when I have your beautiful creation in front of me. Thank you for showing me how I am sensitive to the atmosphere around me. Thank you for a goodnight’s sleep, for Erin’s NyQuil, and for Gina’s prayers. Thank you for letting me chat with Natalie. Lord, speak to me. Lord, I’m mystified by all the donations this week. Thank you for giving me over $1,500 in two days. I’d been praying that you showed up and you literally did. Thank you. Thank you a million times.”
And the Lord responded again, in a way I didn’t know was possible for me. He told me to write this. “My dearest Caitlyn, put the phone down. I’m romancing you right now. Look up. I made this all for you. I would have made it solely for you so you could know me and my heart. Caitlyn, you’re a beautiful daughter of mine. I’m giving you person after person who live for me so that you will know me. You are treasured and you are heard. Let these words wash over you. I hear you. I am here for you. Look up. See the fog twisting over the ridgeline? See the fall color dotting up the mountainside? This is for you. Thank you for coming to me in your doubts and frustrations. Feel the vibrancy of life right now? I made it for you. That bird chirping right now? I sent it for you to hear me and know me. You have been in a cage. Let me free you. You don’t need other people to free you, I do that. I haven’t given you best friends here because you wouldn’t be diving into me if you did. I love you. I know you’re traveling the world searching for me. Here I am. I am the raindrops on the water and the freedom in the wind. I am your sweet chai and that singing bird. I am freeing you. In your sickness right now, talk to me. I’ll free you. In your wrestling about which life is better and whether it is worth it to share the gospel, come to me. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. I am your comfort. I love you. See that person picking their way along the shoreline, head-down? They need me, because they don’t even see the beauty and vibrancy here. There’s joy and love and life for people who are living in me. Tap into this. I love you. People at home, people who go to church, they don’t all really know me. Don’t hold that against them, share with them. Fill people up with my love. I love you and them. Be a light of my love. You think you have it all together on your own, but Caitlyn, this is me. This is me writing to you. I love you that much, that I would write this letter for you. Believe. The cost is worth it. You don’t need me, you get me. You get to choose me. You get more love and life and joy if you want it. Keep saying yes to that. You don’t need to go my way, but my way is better. Look up! You’re in the mountains again! Dance and sing with joy, beautiful. I did this for you.”
I am still at the edge of the water with Jesus, even as I am on a mission trip for Him. And that is okay. Because as I’m standing at the edge of the water, He is calling me deeper into it, and I know that it’s chock-full of grace.
