Reintegration
You know, for a Marine reintegration is a really familiar experience, and it’s pretty common in the military culture to have to adapt to reintegrating into society. You’d think after living overseas for close to four years that coming home from a mere 8 months abroad would be a simple adjustment to get back into the swing of things. I can’t even pretend it’s been easy.
Reintegrating was a struggle after the military, the first year was excruciatingly difficult (for many reasons) so I assumed this short return from abroad would be much easier. It’s been a battle every single day since literally day one back here in the states. From the initial shock at seeing a free clean water fountain to the homeless crisis in my hometown and horror at seeing how much of my storage unit was occupied by clothes and useless junk… to the deep spiritual battles in my mind and heart that have made every day borderline agonizing and very confusing.
I really hope reentry will be much easier for the rest of my squad who will be returning next month, because it’s hard. I’m not saying this to illicit sympathy, I realize that I have been pretty quiet since leaving the race and this is my attempt to address my silence.
I wasn’t on a “trip”, “vacation” or “long-term getaway”… hearing that people just thought I was out having fun was difficult to hear. Granted, had they only followed my Instagram or Facebook then maybe I could see where they would get that idea: I was basically working/volunteering full time and so when I had days off I would take my phone out and (on my own dime) go try and have a fun experience. But it was anything but a vacation. It was so hard!
I didn’t go around snapping photos of all the poverty (not gonna contribute to poverty-porn), or showing and talking about all the hard times and rough living conditions, I didn’t go out of my way to show how hard it was or to complain about it all: that’s just not me. Granted, had you been one of my teammates you would have heard all my ear-fulls of my grumbling; I worked very hard while I was away to not be a constant complainer and to focus on being positive instead of ungrateful.
So yeah, maybe my social media looked good? But I wasn’t on vacation, I was… in the crucible of my soul.
In the Marines we have what is called “The Crucible” near the end of boot camp which is a three day event culminating in a right of passage (if you pass) which tests all we had learned in Basic Training to see if we have earned the right to be given the title of United States Marine. But the crucible itself is a period of testing, it’s incredibly difficult and tests your grit, determination and everything about you. The Crucible is honestly a much better name for the journey I took rather than the World Race, it was so testing and constantly had you out of your comfort zone. It’s like being in the fire of a blacksmith, in the forge being shaped and beaten into something new and more pure.
I struggled almost everyday on the Race. I still struggle being home.
I have a lot of unknowns, a lot of whys, a lot of questions and pains I still carry and have to learn to walk through healing with…
A lot of old temptations I thought I conquered abroad came back with a vengeance when I came back home.
A lot of mindset issues I let go of have been trying to sneak back in and undermine all my growth and victories from the last year.
A lot… that’s what it’s been feeling like, it’s just a lotto be dealing with all at once. Top all of it off with financial and health issues… man, it’s been tougher than I let on. I cry more than I used to. I avoid being alone with God or my own thoughts sometimes because the amount of renewed brokenness I feel is overwhelming, and recognizing myself falling into old struggles and habits… shameful. All of the aforementioned issues are dumb really, because I’ve learned to address them while I was away! I know how to deal with them, but I’ve felt nothing inside of me capable of addressing them! My mental/emotional/physical energy levels have been bottoming out quite easily.
I see my teammates out doing God’s work in Africa, and I feel the temptation to feel that my eight months out doing the same things don’t matter in light of their contributions… how silly?
I have a lot on my mind. I wish I knew what the next chapter in my life is supposed to look like already, so I can head that direction and… knowing what to expect is calming. Being totally out of control is scary… I know I can trust God and obey him… but believing Him and obeying him are actions, actions I still need to take.
It was an incredibly difficult, growing, stretching, heartbreaking eight month journey. I still have much more journey ahead of me now… who knows where that will take me. I’m gonna keep moving, trying, hoping and waiting for that next big beautiful chapter of my life to begin.
Feel free to reach out to me, but please don’t be offended if I don’t get back to you soon: I’ve been in hermit mode barely interacting with the world lately, I’m not quite ready to be swamped with people’s messages.
Please be praying for my finances and health. I need an income, a place to live and to be healthy. Thank you.
