At long last, we come to the part of the blog series where we can look back at these scenes in our lives that told us we have been set aside, forgotten and unlovable; here is now where we can actually do something with all of these themes. If you’ve been following along the Set Aside blogs then hopefully you’ve taken some time to think back and write down your own list of Set Aside moments, because we’re going to address them today! If not, click on my blog list to catch up on part 1 & 2.
How to change our Set Aside moments, change our thoughts on the topics they affect, and change the identity these situations have ingrained into us.
Step One: Looking back on these situations with time and perspective in mind, identify the true and false portions of your ‘Set Aside’ moments. Separate them, maybe choose to write true parts in a different color than the false parts.
Step Two: Rewrite the ‘Set Aside’ moment with only the truth in mind; then change your wording from ‘Set Aside’ to ‘Set Apart’. Leave out the false portion entirely.
Step Three: Reread the Set Apart moments. Reflect on how those Set Aside moments have shaped your life and the way you relate to people, God, your environments and what unique abilities you’ve gained because of them.
Set Aside #1: I was with different people and didn’t get to build strong friendships.
Set Apart #1: I was with different people, because (I later learned) my teachers were impressed by my strong language and comprehension skills. I was put into an all-day program where I had a morning and afternoon classroom, whereas most kids only went to morning or afternoon but not both, because the school recognized my intelligence and wanted me to have a chance to grow and excel. I didn’t get to go home at lunch and then play with neighborhood kids all afternoon, but I learned, and I loved learning. Because of that, I continued on in advanced courses my whole life and discovered my talent and passion for reading and writing.
See? I took my seemingly negative moment (from my young perspective) and I’m now able to spin it into a true moment that helped to define who I am today in a positive light. Try this with me!
Set Aside #2: I wanted as much fun and freedom and social bonding as the other kids got, I didn’t appreciate how I had to work harder and not get the fun parts of the day.
Set Apart #2: I wanted as much fun and freedom and social bonding as the other kids got, I didn’t appreciate how I had to work harder at the time; but I now know I was growing and learning very advanced material that set me up for success later in life. I still had chances to socialize, play and to have fun. I enjoyed the class, I was just jealous of the kids who got to play. I now know how silly and trivial it was to be upset about that, I am glad I went through that because I grew so much in that class and with those students. I honestly just didn’t know they recognized my talents and were helping me cultivate my strengths, I’m glad now they did.
Set Aside #3: People don’t really like me. I’m unwanted. I’m rejected. I don’t fit in, belong, or have hope of making any friends. Why bother?
Set Apart #3: One third grade girl had her own issues and took them out on me, that is not my problem and it should not have been allowed to affect my so deeply. I have carried that wounding with me all these years and gone into situations expecting that same wound and treatment from people, I could have skipped all that heartache in my life had I recognized her issues did not make less of me. I have to let that hurt go, or the bitterness will continue to infect my future encounters. I can have friends and I can belong,just don’t walk around wounded by a third grader.
Set Aside #4: I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t good enough and I couldn’t keep up with the others.
Set Apart #4: I wasn’t as developed at Math as I was in other subjects, it was a weak spot I was unaware I had. Unfortunately, when that blind spot was addressed, and I saw I had a shortcoming I was shocked and my identity as “smart” came into question (to me), and that realization that I wasn’t always naturally advanced at everything I encountered stole my false-self-identity. I didn’t know at the time, but there are things we all have to work at to get better and be good; it’s totally okay and I just didn’t know how to process that discovery.
Set Aside #5: I’m Unwanted. Unattractive. Less-than. Worthless. Alone. What I think I excel at is what others think I am poor at.
Set Apart #5: I’m wanted, attractive, more than enough, worthy and surrounded by love. I had my family who loved me, I was just so busy looking for affirmation from people I didn’t think “had to love me” that I didn’t accept their love as enough. What I think I excel at being received poorly? Well it doesn’t mean it’s something I’ve mastered and having to work at something to become really good is normal. One rejection does not mean I have nothing worth sharing, it may only mean I have something to work on.
Set Aside #6: No one finds me attractive. No one takes an interest in me and the only way I can get a guys attention is to go seeking it somewhere.
Set Apart #6: I was a little awkward, but I still got compliments all the time from my family so of course I was still beautiful. The principles kids were rude, that didn’t mean I was unwanted. The idea that a dance at the public school would help me find someone who valued me was dumb, plain and simple. The idea that it was the only way to meet a guy, SO wrong. lol.
Set Aside #7: Even if someone wants to befriend you or be nice it’s going to cost them, people just don’t want to be around you.
Set Apart #7: Cory had friends who chose to move, my presence could have had nothing to do with that. Cory stayed my friend, and that was all that should have mattered to me. She wanted to be my friend, and I am grateful to this day. I shouldn’t let our friendship be tainted by a memory of what she may have given up to know me.
Set Aside #8: Guys don’t notice you because you’re fat, unattractive, poor, too tall, bad at Math and don’t have nice things.
Set Apart #8: The wrong guys don’t notice you by Gods good grace! The wrong guys attention isn’t gonna help me get to the prize God has for me, it would only complicate my life. So just because other girls are getting attention doesn’t mean I’m less than they are; maybe God is protecting me from the distractions and drama that accompany the attention of the wrong people. My worth has nothing to do with my wealth, academics or stature.
Set Aside #9: People will lie and manipulate you to get what they want, regardless of what it does to you. The only reason people take an interest in you is for what they can get from you. You’re disposable.
Set Apart #9: People do lie and manipulate, but that says something poor of them – not you. I cannot control other people, I can only pursue wisdom and recognize when someone is trying to control me and avoid those situations. I’m not disposable, I was naïve and unfortunately some people have taken advantage of that. These days I am far less susceptible to the same situations because I have learned that there are people out there who behave poorly; I also recognize that not all people are the people who hurt me, so I am less cynical of people now than I used to be after being badly hurt.
Set Aside #10: I can’t be close to my loved ones anymore, I am alone and vulnerable.
Set Apart #10: I experienced dark and painful misuses and abuse; it was unfortunate and unwelcome. However, thanks to those experiences I can relate now to sexually abused youth whom I couldn’t have ever reached out to with the same depth had I never walked through that season.
I was not alone, I felt isolated and I isolated myself from my loved ones in turn. I had love and consolation a phone call away or an arm’s-length away… I do wish now that I had just called my Dad or hugged my Mom. I appreciate their proximity and seek to communicate with them more openly when I walk through hard seasons nowadays.
Set Aside #11: No matter what you do people will have their way with you anyway, why fight it anymore? I’m a worthless piece of meat.
Set Apart #11: I cannot control other people, or their actions, and often the poor choices and bad decisions of others effects the people around them (me). I wanted to belong, but in being a part of something with toxic people doing toxic activities… it can toxify your own life; that then manifests in sick and painful situations. Their choices when I drank did not reflect on my worth, only their integrity.
Set Aside #12: I’m a bad Marine. I don’t deserve to be a Marine. Marines don’t cry or feel broken. I don’t belong here.
Set Apart #12: I’m a Marine. I deserve to be a Marine. I earned my title, it’s not something that can be taken away by anyone or anything. Marines cry, Marines feel broken. I belong here. Marines especially often struggle through the hard times in life, we are trained to be strong, hard, tough, adaptable and unyielding; a force that cannot be bent or broken. When Marines experience personal brokenness or situations that are beyond their control they begin to question everything; our identities as fierce warfighters and the conquerors of insurmountable odds… we aren’t trained for how to deal with emotional or internal challenges. I was not a bad Marine for struggling, I was a Marine and Human Being experiencing the natural fallout of difficult circumstances. I now encourage Marines, and people, to feel safe addressing their challenges and allow them the space to process and heal.
Set Aside #13: I can’t handle it. I would rather die.
Set Apart #13: I can handle it. I would rather live. I have to constantly remind myself of the hard things I was overwhelmed by that I thought would swallow me up, and that they are behind me and soon this challenge too is behind me and I am on to a new chapter. I am (actually) stronger than I give myself credit for. I would rather experience all the beautiful moments ahead than give up on them because this one I am in (or I still carry from my past) is smothering me. Buck up, don’t let this defeat you. An internal battle is every bit as real as an external one.
Set Aside #14: No man will ever be loyal to you. No man in your life will ever be willing to pursue God on his own. No man can ever love you. No man will ever keep his word. There is no guarantee he won’t abandon you, even with a wedding vow.
Set Apart #14: The right man, the Godly man God gives you, will be loyal to you. The right man in my life will be willing (and active) to pursue God on his own. No man can ever love me as much as Jesus does, but the right man will love me like Jesus does. The right man will keep his word. Jesus won’t abandon you.
Jesus saw me through all the broken moments, all the pain, all the tears, all the fear and doubt… he held his hands out and put his shield around me when I was so beat down that I didn’t have the strength to open my eyes and see Him. He has carried me this far, it has not ended in death. I am sitting in a café in Valle de Angeles, Honduras right now typing this all up. I am a survivor, a warrior, a Marine, daughter of God, co-heirs with Christ and victorious over the darkness that has sought to snuff out my life. I survived so much.
I have completed one month of eleven going out fulfilling the great commission and being hands and feet. I cannot pretend to brag I made it this far on my own, it’s 100% Jesus. I have messed up so badly, and my failures have hurt the people I love beyond my ability to articulate. I made it this far because God has a calling on my life that is bigger than being Set Aside. God brought me this far because He has a purpose for my life that I am going to fulfill because of Him, though Him and for Him.
Now that you’ve sat down and reassessed your own Set Aside moments and transformed them into the Set Apart moments (moments that resonate with purpose, learning and growth), I hope you can begin to see how God has shaped you into who and where YOU are today. You have a unique story that is worth sharing, worth pursuing and worth the pain you walk through. If for the life of you, you just CANNOT see how a Set Aside moment could ever be a Set Apart moment, it’s ok. Healing isn’t instant, but it’s worth the struggle. Stop, and ask God to shed light on that moment and show you how to see it from a Set Apart perspective. Don’t let the lies and hurts shape you, let them reveal purpose for you. As someone who has struggled for years with depression, PTSD, anxiety and suicidal thoughts I can vouch for the struggle… as well as the victory. Hang on. Hang on to Jesus my friend.
