While on the race you experience many different emotions, and pretty much the extremes of all of them. You can get ultimate happiness, sadness, loss, and pure joy. You get limited time to reflect and when you actually start to look over what you have just been doing the past few months, it’s kind of crazy. For me, I experienced pure joy for the first time in Thailand looking at these special children who were fighting for their lives and born with a disease that will kill more then half of the kids that I had grown to love. They were born sick into a different kind of life, a life they never would choose, but made HIV their bitch. These kids showed so much Joy over the littlest thing, their laugh lifted up a whole room, and their smile showed so much hope. In that moment, I felt joy, not for what they had to endure, but because they taught me how to love everyday and to make it the best you can.
I experienced loss for the first time leaving Malaysia. We live in constant community with our team and squad and learn to know all the “fun” stuff and mood swings with each person. It was never loss as such as death, but it was a loss of our new make shift family. It was going through life with some people everyday and then the sad reality hitting me that they won’t get to be there for all of the other stuff. They started on this epic journey with me, and now they are in a completely different part of the world. It’s hard to grieve for people you met months before, but the race connects people in weird ways.
I asked what is spiritual warfare before the race, thinking it was just something people made up. Never in my life would I actually think I would be in a situation that I would feel so much for a place. Spiritual warfare to me feels like a heavy weight on your chest and an unsettled nerve. It’s hard to look around and see people look so stuck. Stuck in their lives and unable to have the freedoms I have taken advantage of my whole life. Malaysia runs under two different laws. One is just for Muslims, and locks them in their religion. They will never be able to convert if and they have to live a life according to a belief system that they might not even believe in anymore. Walking the streets I remember looking at the people. People wear their religion on their sleeve, you could tell who the Muslims were, the Buddhists, the Hindus. In every way it seemed all the different cultures wouldn’t mix there was no talking to each other and no enjoying the differences. People only saw that is was different. There was an uneasy feeling of people stuck every time I walked the streets of Malaysia.
I experienced moments where I was truthfully grateful for the life I had been given. I was given an amazing education for one. I lived in a village in Malaysia for some time, and there were 16 year old mothers of 2-3 who couldn’t read or write. They had no schooling, not only did they have no schooling they were also never given the opportunity or the choice for that matter. They stuck to an accent way of life and settled for never leaving where they lived. Settled for never knowing how to spell their own name. And settled for a life that they thought was all they were entitled too. I experienced gratefulness when I would see families torn apart because of drugs or family feuds. I have the privilege of waking up and being able to call any of my sisters or parents and knowing if I call them enough they will answer, no matter the time of day. So to my family, I’m thankful for you.
Never would I actually think I would feel so much regret other then when I began teaching. This was in a monastery for troubled children, and let me tell, you they could care less about what I was saying and just wanted to draw dicks all over their desks. For some, reason they really enjoyed this. But the harsh reality was they looked so bored and had no respect for the teachers, or me, that it really makes you look back and reflect. This one goes out to all my old teachers who probably won’t ever see this, but I am sorry if and when I talked back, skipped class, slept, texted, and over all not caring about that class. I do care I just didn’t see the importance of knowing how to calculate the area of random shapes. I still don’t, but I took it out on the teacher thinking for some reason they were in control of what they taught and didn’t teach in math. You teachers rock.
Not all bad I have felt utter bliss. That feeling I would describe as just sitting in a moment and realizing this is exactly where I should be. I felt that for the first time in Costa Rica. I was painting a small fence inside of a daycare. Kids all over were playing and even trying to start a paint fight. My playlist “dancing with Brit” was blaring and I looked over at Hannah and laughed with her for no reason just a feeling of complete happiness. In that moment I saw in this moment is exactly where I should be there was no question in my mind that I was here for a reason.
The race has opened my eyes to the reality of the world we live in. It showed me different cultures and hardships each person faced. The only common trend is the fact that Gods presence in each place was pouring out all over. He watches over each and every person I have met and loves and cares for them in such a different way. He has made so much possible and continues to move mountains. I felt like I used to live in a “bubble,” sheltered from what life is to so many around the world. But all I can see is life is what you make of it. It’s not about the hard things it’s about finding the love in everyday and making each day worth living.
