But, I know that I have to be honest, and that God will be glorified through it.
This winter has been really, really hard for me. Anxiety, (the thing that I thought I had conquered but really had just been pushing against for years) became a large and controlling part of my life. Way too large, and way too controlling.
I’d let myself become defined by the way it affects me. Defined by the way it made me feel, or made me look at myself. I believed, I knew, that I was a worthless, helpless person unable to support and care for the people around me in the way I wanted to. It’s ugly. I felt stuck, living in what I knew to be true, unable to believe what really was true. What is always true.
Anxiety, in its different forms, has been apart of my life since I was 12. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to have a sickening knot in your stomach for no apparent reason, or to have to convince yourself out of irrational fears. I felt like I was losing a battle in my mind all the time, and against the silliest and most illogical opponents.
I know that it is God’s grace that this has all come to a head, exactly at the right time, and He has given me such wonderful people to support me even when I know I don’t deserve it. I have seen Him pursuing me, drawing me nearer to Him, gently but surely, in ways I never have before. And He is working these hard things for the good of His Kingdom and the good of His daughter.
This is where I know that I need to boast in my weakness. I hate sharing this part of me with the world. But if people can come to see His work, that it is His strength and not mine, His love, His power, His persistence, and not mine, then it is worth it. Worth it to testify to His grace and His love and the way He desires to have each of us rest in the fact that He knows us and wants us to know Him.
Because now, this is the place where I am reminded that I am only, only, defined by God’s grace.
I am not defined by how I see myself based on how I feel. I am not defined by anxiety, no matter how controlling it seems to be. I am not even defined by the good parts of me. And I am not defined by how I think other people see me.
I am defined by Jesus’ sacrifice. By His power and resurrection. By His love that covers all things and unites me with my Father. This is who I am.
And knowing this, living in this, is what brings us peace.
So thanks for letting me be honest with you. It took me a looong time to write this out, but I know that through humility, God’s glory will be shown immensely. And He is even working these things out in my heart, helping me to believe them more deeply as I write them. To quote a favorite song, “He has been so, so good to me.” I am glad to be called His child and to live as such, loving Him, serving Him, and being loved by Him. And thanks again for joining me on this journey as God is preparing my heart for what He has in store for the next year, and for eternity.
