There’s a question people always ask that I never really know how to answer: How are you?
I know it’s just common courtesy, but if I’m gonna be anything, I’m gonna be honest. And honestly I hit so many different feelings and emotions throughout the day I’m really never sure how to answer (so know what you’re getting into if you ask me). So most of the time I’ll just say I’m doing alright.
It’s been a little over a week since I announced I’m going on the World Race. As I was receiving needed support and encouragement, and connecting with my team on Facebook, I felt alive. I was overwhelmed with excitement and felt so ready to go on this adventure! However, I knew this feeling wouldn’t last. I knew I’d hit moments where I just didn’t feel the excitement. I knew I’d hit low points. I didn’t know when, I just knew it would. And then the weekend happened. Last weekend didn’t go how I expected to, or wanted to. And a long weekend led into a long week as I had plenty of two in the morning homework sessions for school. And with that, I also have World Race stuff to stay on top of. Obviously, I was stressed. But, through that, God reminded me what mattered most: loving the people around me. In the midst of trying to get work done at the pace I wanted to, God wrecked my plans so I could be there for friends and family in need. Reminding me there’s more than just me in this life.
I went from a high point to a low point quicker than I wanted to. And it was hard (understatement) to fight off emotions and feelings trying to drag me down. But something God has taught me is that while my feelings and emotions may affect me, they can’t have me. I belong to Him through it all. After all, what got me through the weekend and week and grew me was not my feelings, but God.
We often measure our relationship with God by how we felt during the day or week. Whether or not we “felt” God, or felt close to Him. And to put into words better than mine, “Closeness to God is not about feelings, closeness to God is about obedience… I don’t know how you feel close to God. And no one I know that seems to be close to God knows anything about those feelings either. I know if we obey occasionally the feeling follows, not always, but occasionally.” ~Rich Mullins. Much of my high school experience was actually really rough in following Jesus. I felt Him for awhile, but eventually I didn’t. Not during worship, not during church retreats or services or Bible studies. Everyday, in some way, my feelings would fail me and I would feel like a disappointment to God. I thought in my relationship with Jesus I was supposed to constantly feel a certain way, and when I didn’t I felt like a failure. I didn’t get the “buzz” from worship songs people around me did (so I grew to hate worship songs), and church retreats where you’re “supposed” to have a “God moment”, I wouldn’t. And I hated it. I was stuck in frustration, all the while thinking God was even more frustrated with me because I couldn’t feel how I thought I should. Now I know, that is beyond far from the gospel.
Looking back, I see at least part of what God was trying to show me. I put my faith in my feelings, not God. I thought faith was based on my feelings, and in His grace, God let me know the failure of this. As much as it hurt, He let me know the failure of my feelings, because in thinking I can only love God or do what I need to is based on how I feel, I put faith in myself, not the God who is constant, even in His emotions.
Someone I think of in the Bible who knew the roller coaster of feelings was Job. I know, when we think of struggle, we think of Job. But something we forget when reading his book is that he constantly went back and forth from hope to hopeless. He goes from trusting God’s goodness, to cursing the day he was born. Job wasn’t as put together through his struggle as we wish he was, because we’re scared we’ll be the same. But that didn’t stop God from making Himself known, and using Job for His glory.
I love that I’m going on this journey, and part of this journey is trusting in the God who loves and owns me. And letting the feelings be for what they are, as He understands me, and reminds me who I am. That He’ll fight through the feelings of doubt and hopelessness for and with me.
