As I have been preparing for the quickly approaching journey ahead, so many thoughts have been swarming through my mind. The more everything becomes real, the more I begin to doubt my capability to leave. The more I doubt my capability to leave, the more I try to make excuses for why I should stay. And, the more I make excuses, the more God reminds me that His perfect love casts out fear.
It started a little over a month back…my first meeting with Pastor Curtis. Oh man! The anticipation, the nerves, the beginning of it all! I remember sitting in my car and just praying that God would calm my nerves. I knew full well that once I talked with Curtis the ball would quickly start to roll. As I turned the key, started the engine, and turned up the radio, Zach Williams was on Air 1 talking about his new song. As I listened intently, an overwhelming peace came over me. All I really needed to hear was the title.
FEAR IS LIAR
I arrived at church excited and ready to face what lied ahead! As Pastor Curtis and I began talking about all the fundraising plans and the whole preparation process, anxiety started creeping its way in. I have never done anything this challenging in my life. Just the preparation process in itself seemed daunting.
How am I supposed to earn and raise that much money? What if I can’t do it? Who am I for God to use in this way?
As I began to process all the information on my way home, I realized that I needed a calming force to help sort my thoughts before my brain exploded, imploded, or did a combination of both. I called up my best friend expecting that she probably wouldn’t answer as she is usually at work during that time. When she picked up her phone and said she was home, I drove right over. My mind was put at ease with her support and encouragement. I got home after work that evening and thought about the coincidences of the day… That brand new song coming on right as I got in my car, the excitement and advice I received from Curtis, and the fact that my best friend randomly did not have to go in to work that day. I began realizing that those moments were not coincidences. Perfect love casts out fear. My fear was strong, but His love was greater. John 15:7 says, “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” I asked for Him to give me rest, and through His gracious love, that is exactly what He did! But, that is just the beginning.
After speaking in front of the church a few weeks back, I thought I would grow in confidence and be ready to take on these upcoming challenges full force ahead. Oh how wrong I was! I got home after a long, exciting, and exhaustive day and let my brain do what it does best…overthink everything! Some concerns started popping in my head and I began seriously questioning if this is what the Lord has for me. Granted, my emotions were all out of whack, and honestly; the fear of failure ironically made me feel the need to quit even more. I prayed that God would direct my steps and help me have a discerning and sound mind.
I talked to my mom late that night and met with Pastor Curtis the next morning. As I brought up my concerns, he piled a ton of new reading material on me to help me digest the worries that were so difficult for me to swallow. I can’t help but laugh a little inside every time I look at the books stacked high by the edge of my bed. I am not a reader! I’ve always wanted to be one of those super amazing people who can read book after book on end…but I just can’t! Clearly, God desires to test me in the little things as well as the big. That being said, reading these books has been super eye opening and amazing. As I read them with the Bible open, I have started to really learn to test my beliefs and the beliefs of others against His Word.
This week, diving deeper into His Word and praying more earnestly than ever before, the blessings I have received as I reside in His perfect love have blown my mind!
Last week, I went out with a friend for breakfast and left the conversation so in awe of God. When a friend is able to encourage you with exactly what you need to hear, before you give any indication that you need to hear it, you know that the Spirit is at work. As the week went on, I went to a worship night after a loong Saturday down in the San Fernando Valley. I was tired and not really in a social mood. As we sang, prayed, and read scripture together, my spirit was so uplifted. By the end of the night I was so encouraged simply by the love we all shared for Christ, and the desire we all had to come together in obedience to Him. Sunday afternoon I went to lunch with the summer crew from my churches children’s ministry. We were all just a group of young adults hanging out, catching up, and fellowshipping together. As we got up to leave, a man came up to us and asked us what church we were from. He said he was attracted to Jesus in us like the scent of a sweet smelling perfume. As we stood there in the middle of Red Robin, we all prayed together and encouraged each other in Christ. It was a beautiful moment that I will never forget!
For me, however, sweet fellowship and an encouraged spirit were not the best take aways of the events that occurred this week. The best take away was that these events had absolutely nothing to do with me. All three of these moments were Christ using His church to bring glory to His name! And that is when it hit…I am weak and I will fail in many ways during this crazy year. I am afraid. My faith and trust are being tested more than ever before. This trip is not about me in the slightest, but rather about Christ using me in my weakness for His glory.
As I think about where I was when I first applied a few months back to where I am now, I see how God has already taken my weaknesses and my fears and turned them around for His good. He has made me a blogger and a reader (Miracles!), He has reminded me of my first love, He has tested my faith in His provision, and He has showed me the power of His Spirit. With God already using and growing me in this preparation process, I can confidently cast all my fear aside with eager anticipation. God’s perfect love will continue to transform my heart, soul, and mind. As I abide in Him, He will take all my weaknesses and build me up to be a zealous and strong vessel for Him.
2 Corinthians 12:9 – But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
