100 days on the World Race: 1/18/19
Wow! Just WOW! This time last year I found out I was accepted to go on the World Race. There are not words to describe what God has already done in my life. And how I have grown just in the past year. I also realize there is still a lot about me that I need to work on. No one is perfect, but realizing your faults I think is also a strength. I have been asking myself what can I do Lord to become more like you?
The answers’ I have gotten I did not like very much. “Allow your self Ashley to feel…and express your self in a healthy manner”….. HOLD THE PHONE!! “WAIT, WHHHAAAAAT????” I’m over here like “God, Really why??” Feel the feeling’s? Now life has taught me that it is weak to be vulnerable. That leaving your self exposed for who you really are is setting your self up for failure, and heart ache. I told myself, “People will look at me differently.” “My team will think less of me.” They won’t understand me.” “They will think I am weak, or worse worthless.” “If they knew who I really was, and what I did they will judge me, even hate me.”
I have realized three things with thoughts like these:
1) I think these things of myself. It is not them thinking them of me.
2) Who does God say I am? Why am I choosing to believe these lies?
3) My testimony actually happened to me. I am not telling some else’s story.
Having realized these things, and having time to process through them. God does what only God can do best. He gives me verse after verse, sign after sign that I am loved by him. That I am strong that my testimony can help others. That I am chosen to be his daughter. That he gave his life for me to have a relationship with him. That I am beautiful. And that he thinks I am amazing!
At the same time I was processing all this my team asks me to give my testimony at team time that following Monday. We are in our last month together before team changes. I am the only one who as not shared there testimony. So reluctantly I agree. I wrote down the time line of my testimony and shared it. Giving basic information, because 30 years, and the 4 life times ago, are a lot to talk about in an hour. After the basic time line, I then let them ask questions. What ever part they had questions about, or wanted to know more details they could ask. While reading the time line I am nervous I know I am exposing myself. Letting people in to parts of my life I would rather them not know. But I did it! They know! I shared! The next day Sharron, one of my friends says to me, ” I feel like I am closer to you because I know you better!” She will never know how much those words meant to me. It was what I needed to hear! She helped to build my confidence in that moment, and I will never forget her words. The fear I had of rejection for sharing flew out the window in that moment. I made sharing a bigger deal than it needed to be. They did not judge me, or hate me, or misunderstand me. They felt closer to me.
While I am processing these things the inevitable happens. We have our first day of prison ministry! Our team leader decided to put names in a hat, and pray before picking a name of who was going to be giving there testimony at the prison. I was in denial, but I already knew. Just in the true fashion of who God is, my name is drawn.
The week before I had the opportunity to Preach at the church we are attending here in Mokhotlong, Africa. It was between me, and Ryan Preaching that morning. We had discussed together who would Preach. Then went to pray about it during breakfast. During this prayer time I got three conformations from the Holy Spirit, that I was the one who needed to Preach that morning. After breakfast we reconvened. I told Ryan that I felt I needed to Preach, but was nervous. His words made me laugh, “then you should definitely Preach!” Before the walk to the church I asked him to pray for me, because my nerves where getting to me. He prayed for me, then he said something I will remember from now until God brings me home. He said, “before I go up on stage I say to the Lord, “If I do this it is going to suck, If You do this it is going to Rock!”
I did just that before Preaching that morning.
Now we are getting ready to leave for the prison ministry, my name has been drawn. As we walk I am not thinking about having to stand up in front of 35+ men who are in jail for various crimes. I knew if I did think to much about it I would get nervous. Not because they are prisoners, but fear of public speaking. So instead I distract myself on the 30 minute walk to the prison. We arrive, and walk in.
The men are playing music to welcome us. They have a make shift drum set’s, and other make shift instruments to play. I could feel the excitement of the music, and the men as we sat down in the court yard of the prison. Two testimony’s where given before mine, Madison gave her’s. Then after her, Stella gave her’s. Has they where giving there testimonies, I could feel my nerves begin to flutter inside me. I started to think what am I going to say to these men? My thoughts began to race, as quick as they started they stopped. Ryan’s words came flashing across my mind. I said to the Lord, “If I do this it is going to suck, If You do this it is going to Rock!” Stella was finishing up her testimony. She looked at me. As she was walking back to her seat, I stood up. I repeated Ryan’s words as a prayer in my head. “God please help me, your will be done, If I do this it is going to suck. If You do this it is going to Rock!” Game Time!
I wish I could tell you word, for word what I said that day. I can tell you this. I talked about a time in my life when I was in, and out of jail. When I was doing the same things these men where to end up in this prison. As I spoke, I realized it was not me saying words any more. The Holy Spirit took over. Tears filled my eye’s, compassion. Tears from a place of understanding. I wanted them to hear my testimony, but more than anything I wanted them to see how God had changed me. I told them, “I know what it is like to sit behind those locked doors with nothing but your thoughts!””I know how alone this place feels!””I also know I did the same thing over, and over again!””There was nothing I could do to change me!”” I tried everything in my power to change!””And every time I landed in the same spot, alone with nothing, and no one!” I told them how it took me surrendering to God, giving my life to him. Allowing him to change me from the inside out. That was how I got out of the cycle. God saved me! I told them, “I made a promise to God one day, if you save me from this I will live for you!”
My heart beat hard as I spoke. I could feel the Holy Spirit, as He spoke words from my mouth. He was pleading with them to hear God’s words through me. He wanted them not to see me, but to see God in me. It was my voice speaking, but the words I can not take credit for. I do not know how long I spoke, I do not know the all the words I said. It was like I was there but the Holy Spirit had the remote control to my mouth, and my heart. I felt the feeling’s I like to avoid. I stood in the spot I feared the most. Completely Exposed, completely real, completely open, and completely on fire for God!
I felt the tears running down my cheeks, my face felt hot. I was over whelmed with empathy for these men in front of me. I saw them not as prisoners in a cage, but as human beings who made a mistake. They to deserve God’s grace. I was once in there shoes. I felt the pain, I saw in their eye’s. Because I know that look of defeat.
I also felt the love God had for these men. And my heart ached for them. I wanted them to know Gods love for them more than anything in the world. More than words can express, my whole body felt God’s longing for His children to know him. God was showing me how he feels about his kids, and I just got a tiny little climps. His love for us is so over whelming. After I felt the Holy Spirit was done speaking through me, He gave me a scripture to share.
2 Samuel 22:29-30
O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord Lights up my darkness.
In your strength I can crush an army, with my God I can scale any wall.
After I read the scripture I walked back to my seat. Feeling numb, and over whelmed with emotions. I sat down and wiped the tears from my eye’s. It was Miguel’s turn to Preach. He did an amazing job! He spoke on the second plague in Egypt, and how Pharaoh waited till the next day to get Moses to send the frogs away. He Preached that, “why wait until tomorrow what you can have today.” Everyone who spoke did an amazing job. And with out even trying all of our testimonies, and teaching led into one another very well!
At the end of our time at Mokhotlong Prison there was an alter call. Five men gave there lives to the Lord this day!!! Five new Brothers in Christ! The heavens rejoiced, and again I had tears running down my cheeks as they said the prayer to salvation! Tears of Joy!
I realized something in this moment. If I had not aloud myself to feel the feeling’s. If I had not exposed myself. If God had not orchestrated the testimony I shared with my team earlier that week, or the conversation with Ryan the day before. The testimonies given before mine, the sermon Preached later. Would these men still have given there lives to God?
I do not know the answer to that question. But if being vulnerable, and feeling the feelings, results in more of Gods children spending eternity with him. I will expose my self over and, over and, over again! I will give my testimony a thousand times over, I will Lord for your glory God! If you help me God I will! The joy of having five new brothers in Christ is more than worth exposing my self, and sharing my story!
God is Good All the Time! All the Time God is Good!!!
