My role on O Squad is squad financial coordinator. This means when we have all squad months, I oversee the budget and help empower the other treasures to make sure our budget is spent wisely. Specifically, last month it meant I planned meals, went grocery shopping and made sure my whole squad got fed.
I went to the grocery store multiple times a week, spent hours working on a meal plan that was in budget, organized and cleaned our small kitchen numerous times a day and it seemed like most of my conversations with my squad last month had to do with money or food. It might not sound like much but the stress of catering to the needs of 40 people and making sure everything went smoothly added up quickly.
Our first week in Swaziland we had a spontaneous bonfire and worship night, and everyone was invited, but it was not mandatory. After our team finished up with team time I decided to stop by the fire. I sat down and closed my eyes and listened to the words being sung around me. After a few minutes of sitting and resting my squad mate, Madison started singing an older song I used to sing as a child. It’s called All in All. One of the lines says, “when I am dry you fill my cup.” When it came to that part in the song, tears started streaming down my face.
My friend Farrah approached me, and I asked if we could talk in her tent. I got there and wept. I poured out my thoughts to Farrah and Paige and expressed how I was feeling. I felt so empty. I felt unseen, underappreciated and so overwhelmed. I was so nervous that my role of financial coordinator would define last month. I was so worried about being Ashley the Financial Coordinator that I started to forget how just to be myself.
Last month was stressful. I got burnt out by always feeling like I had to be open to questions about the budget and meals. I made myself so accessible that I completely ignored my needs.
I was so busy trying to make sure people were filled up physically that I completely lost sight of making sure I was full spiritually.
After this night and noticing how drained I felt I spent the rest of last month leaning into what it means to serve from a full heart. I’ve been able to identify the areas in my life that needed mending and reconciliation. I’ve been able not to have shame when asking for help because it’s healthy.
The World Race is this weird balance of having the best and worst sides of yourself brought up. But’s it’s beautiful if you think about it. Last month God reminded me there’s no striving in HIS love. I don’t have to push myself until I burn out and I surely don’t have to work feeling empty when He’s always there ready to fill me back up. I’m confident in my abilities to be Squad Finical Coordinator but when I lose sight of who I am even the areas I’m confident in become blurry.
In the story of reconciliation, God doesn’t leave us to do it alone. Gracefully he calls us higher and walks with us every step of the way until we look more and more like Him.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me areas where I need to grow, but not making me go alone. Thanks for giving me gifts and abilities and THANK YOU that there’s no striving in your love. I pray the love I give is from the overflow of love I’m confident I’ve received from you.
Scripture of the day: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
Song of the Day: Where You Are
