In August 2016, I had a rock climbing accident. I was bouldering (which means to climb without a harness; a free climb), and I was doing an endurance route to continue building my strength. As I was going, I didn’t have enough chalk on my hands, so they got sweaty. I reached up for the next grip, and my hand slipped! The force of the lost grip coupled with gravity pulled the rest of my body quickly off the wall and onto the ground, where all of my weight landed directly on just my right ankle- causing every tendon and ligament- except my Achilles tendon- to tear (which I didn’t learn until months later). I thought I was superwoman, so I quickly stood up and tried to walk it off. I didn’t want to baby it and cause myself to believe it was worse than it was. I figured if I treated it as if it was okay then it would be.
Weeks went by, and it got worse. I had moved into college a week after the accident, and my mom forced an ace wrap around it before I left the house. I leisurely limped on it through the campus for multiple weeks until I realized it was getting worse and not better, so I went to my primary care doctor who said it was simply a bad ankle sprain (which technically he wasn’t wrong, at the time we just didn’t realize it was a grade 3 sprain). He prescribed a walking boot and physical therapy (PT).
Another month went by, and it still had no improvement. My doctor and physical therapist then sent me to a orthopedic surgeon, however, I only was able to see the assistant. We did an x-ray, and nothing was broken, so I was then prescribed a custom-made, Forrest-Gump-looking brace that went in my shoe, and continued PT.
This concludes that semester of college. Now keep in mind, I go to a very charismatic Christian university, so you can bet every single day a different student would stop me on the way to class and ask to pray for me once they saw my boot. I probably had 100 different students/ professors stop and pray for me. Okay maybe I’m exaggerating, but there was at least a new person every week. Now, don’t get me wrong, I admire their faith to be so bold to stop a stranger and pray for them, I even had just learned about the power and gifts of the Holy Spirit the summer before the injury, so I was all for it. However, as time progressed and more and more people prayed so faithfully, but with no results, my faith constantly took a hit.
January comes around and after Christmas break, mom decided it was time for me to see a surgeon. It had been far too long to see no improvement. I saw the surgeon and he did an MRI. He saw that there were many tears and my ankle was in bad condition. When he got the results, he looked at me with a shock in his eyes and said, “How on earth have you been walking on this thing for so long? Even in a boot!” I clearly was as shocked as he was, but relieved for some answers. He then prescribed a surgery and made a date for it to be done during my spring break, so that I would have ample amount of time to rest post surgery since I was required 10-14 days bed rest.
There goes 2 more months to wait for healing. Two more months of strangers praying for me, at school, in class, in my dorm, and at my home church. Now granted, I never did say no when someone asked if they could pray for me, I didn’t want to get in the way of their faith or their boldness to pray for me, but it continually took a toll on me which made it harder for me to even pray for healing for myself. During these two months, I figured that my answer of healing would be through this surgery, but I also asked God, at the same time, that if he had plans otherwise for my healing, that they would be made known to me prior to my surgery.
March 3, 2017 then rolls around. The first day of spring break, and I go in for surgery. Everything went as planned. I got 3 screws, plate, a metal rod and brand new cadaver ligaments and tendons! Wooo! When I woke up, my surgeon looked at me again and said, “I knew it was bad, but not even the MRI showed just how bad it was! I’m still shocked at how long you went on with your ankle like this!” He also told me that the surgery would bring my ankle back to 100% within one year! What great news! Except, my one year check up rolls around and my ankle is far from 100%, even after months of physical therapy.
During that entire year post surgery, I constantly prayed for full healing. I was so confused why the surgery wasn’t healing fully or properly or why God would allow that. Others kept asking for healing on my behalf as well, but it just wasn’t helping. It started to just make me frustrated every time another person prayed for me.
So at the end of February 2018, I found out I needed a second surgery to help my ankle since it wasn’t healing as it was supposed to. However, the day before my 1 year check up, my insurance dropped me (there was a lapse in the system and they lost my account which meant I needed to apply to receive coverage). Yet, I wasn’t accepted until months after I left on the World Race, so no surgery for me. Again, I sat with confusion of why God would allow me to not get surgery while at the same time not bring supernatural healing. I mean, it just makes sense to me that if he doesn’t allow it to be done naturally that he would choose to do it miraculously.
We’re now sitting with over two years for the same injury with no results. Talk about frustration. Talk about doubt. Talk about confusion. Because that is all I’ve felt considering this situation. Because I know the Bible says things like, “By his stripes we are healed,” “Nothing is impossible for God,” “The same power that raised Jesus from the grave is alive in me,” “A gift of the Holy Spirit is healing,” “Jesus healed people” etc. etc. etc. But if what is said in the Bible is all true, why don’t I see it manifested? I so badly wanted to believe these things were true, and I tried so hard, but every time I’d pray about it, I just felt so much doubt and confusion. Yet here we are, 2 years 8 months 2 weeks and 4 days later and I have yet to see my healing.
In January of this year, I decided that I have one prayer. It is that I will see healing in myself and be able to see it when I pray for it for others. I have prayed that almost daily since the year began, and last month I began to have some breakthrough!
I still haven’t seen healing, but God gave a HUGE revelation to me in the the last two week in 3 parts, and this is what it is:
On April 22, God spoke to me and said, “I have been bringing you healing, you just didn’t recognize it because as you prayed for healing I started bringing healing to your heart. I care more about your heart than your body, that’s why I heal your heart first. Man looks at the outside- I look at the heart. I need to heal what’s eternal over what’s temporary because you are so much more than a body.”
*This last sentence is a huge deal, because I have always dealt with body image issues because I thought my worth was equivalent to how pretty I was, how in shape I was, and how other people looked at me and evaluated my looks. God has been working on my security and confidence in him, bringing to my attention that I am so much more than just a body, and worth so much more than my looks.
On April 24, He said, ”When your heart is healed, then you’ll fully know and understand your identity, so you’ll be able to ask for healing with full faith, and understanding your authority, so it shall be done for.”
*Which is why He needs to heal my heart first, and frankly he has been doing this during the entire race. If you read the blog about wanting to quit which was posted in January, you’ll see this healing process began at the very beginning. God has brought up, uncovered, and dug up so many things that needed to be healed that I didn’t even realized existed in my heart. Some things I didn’t even remember for myself until he reminded me of them. He’s been working on my healing the whole time.*
On May 4, I received the third part of this revelation. *Rewind* On Easter, I watched The Passion of the Christ for the first time with my team. When I saw Jesus get the nails hammered into his feet I bawled because I felt him nudge me and say that was him taking all the pain from my ankle on himself, which made the verse “by his stripes we are healed” hold so much more weight in my heart and mind. So, he brought back this memory two weeks later when he spoke the third part of his revelation to me. I realized He already took the stripes and pain from me before I even had it in my own body, so why did I still have it? It’s literally impossible for me to have something if he already took it away 2000 years ago, so how could I still have it? He then opened my eyes to see that the only reason I still have the pain is because I’m holding on to it. Since he is outside of time, he takes each stripe as we surrender it to him in the present. He told me that “You are worthy of healing. You deserve the healing. You don’t need physical pain for others to notice you, to care for you, or to show love for you because, I, the maker of the universe cares so much for you that I already took your pain. I love and care about you.”
*This is almost embarrassing to say, but I’m here to speak it unashamedly because I now have a clearer understanding of my worth and value. Since my dad died, I have constantly and continuously accumulated pain in my heart- through boyfriends and breakups and betrayals and rejections and gossip and family drama, you name it and I probably went through it- however, no person can see the turmoil going on in another’s heart (side note, (this tip is for free) this is why we need to be kind and gracious to everyone, because although the outside may seem fine, no one really knows the pain and strife going on inside). Having physical pain was the easiest way for people see my pain as it represented itself on the outside, yet as they cared for me and helped me, it never really did take care of the real problem going on inside.
Before God began the work of healing in my heart throughout the race, I walked around with so much brokenness that I covered up in fear of being a burden to others, but there was so much pain that since I tried to cover it up, it decided to manifest on the outside trying to get even me to notice my need for healing and to take care of what was really happening. I now realize that I am worthy of healing and it will come in its time as my heart continues to have surgery to fix the brokenness within.*
So here I am today.
No, I haven’t yet seen a miraculous physical healing from the Holy Spirit in my ankle, but I know for sure it’s coming. And I don’t know how much more work needs to be done and healed in my heart before I can see the healing, but I can definitely see the miraculous love of the father at work as he brings healing to my soul. I’m not going to lie, I can’t wait for the day where there is no more pain in my ankle and it is back at 100%, but I’m so content in waiting knowing God is doing the more important and lasting work that will help me for the rest of eternity.
So here’s an encouragement to my friends still in the waiting for their own healing, their own miracle, just like me: God’s word is true. His timing is just different than ours because he knows what is actually best for us, not just what we think is best for us. Don’t stop praying, don’t stop believing, and thank him for the miracle as if you already see it, because I can guarantee that it’s already done because he already took those stripes on the cross, and he is already in your future getting it done; he’s just waiting on you to meet him in the future where he is!
Thank you Jesus that I’m healed!! I can’t wait for the day that I see it fully, but thank you that it’s already done by your divine power!!
