Matthew 18: 21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
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I’m sure all of us who have grown up in the church have heard this story a thousand times over and it is drilled in our brains. Sometimes we even judge Peter and think “seriously how stupid can you be? Obviously forgiveness should everytime just like Jesus did.”
At training camp last month, the speaker put this in a better perspective for us, so I’ll explain in my words what he taught us.
In all reality Peter thought he was over estimating. Just like in society today we have this saying “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and it’s shame on me.” This is saying we shouldn’t allow the same bad thing to happen to us twice. So he was saying I’ll forgive the same person for the same thing 7 times.
Think about it, if the same person cheated on you 7 times, would you still forgive that person?
If the same person stole from you 7 times, would you still forgive that person?
If the same person spread a lie about you 7 times, would you still forgive that person?
If the same person murdered a family member 7 times, would you still forgive that person?
Yet, Jesus thinks that is still two small. He wants us to forgive that person every time they hurt us, even if they do the same thing over and over again to us.
Just like he does with us.
There is no limit to his forgiveness- nothing too big, nothing happens too many times that he can’t forgive. And as Christians (aka followers of Christ) we are supposed to mimic him in his actions.
So here’s where we are now: me trying to think of people I hadn’t fully forgiven yet. Naturally God brought to mind past exes, past bullies, past friends who hurt me, etc. Even those I thought I had forgiven, but actually came to the realization that I wouldn’t allow them to do the same thing to me again so I had to release that to the Lord. God and I spent some one on one time and helped me work through the people I needed to forgive- even went through some practical application of showing I had truly forgiven each person.
Next morning comes around. I’m sitting in the worship service and I’m missing peace. I’m trying to figure out which piece I’m missing from the night before. I sensed that there was a person I still hadn’t fully forgiven that God and I dealt with the night before, so I just started thanking God for all those people and for how they hurt me because of what I learned from it and how it pushed me closer to God by allowing him to heal my hurts. Then I just started thanking God for great people in my life- people I loved. I thanked him for my sister who’s literally the best person I know and who is my absolute best friend. I thanked him for my mom who is the absolute strongest person I know who carried the weight of our entire family by herself when it normally is distributed to two people. I thanked him for my brother who’s the most inspiring person I know, because of what he has been through (and come out alive from) there is no explanation other than God had his hand on his life. I thanked God for my dad and the time I had with him- although it was shorter than most.
Then words came out of my mouth that weren’t even my own: Thank you God for taking my dad from me.
I was dumbfounded.
I was startled.
I felt like I was sinning for saying that.
I could not believe words like that would even come out of my mouth.
I was lying saying those words, because I definitely did not believe them.
So naturally, I started crying (except this isn’t natural for me at all because I don’t cry hardly ever). How could I ever be thankful to God for something that seemed so evil? I realized in this moment that I hadn’t actually fully forgiven God for taking my dad from me. I didn’t fully trust him. This caused me to keep a wall of distance between me and God. I kept him at arm’s length with the fear of getting too close that more pain would be brought to my life. All of these subconscious feelings were brought to light in this simple sentence. I didn’t realize that I had kept God at a distance and that I didn’t fully trust him.
I knew now that I needed to be able to say that sentence with truth, and not with a gut wrenching pain attached. I knew I needed to deal with this unforgiveness towards God. I had to get away with him for a while, so I skipped lunch that day and went down to my campsite and spent some well needed one on one time with my Heavenly father.
I started praying. I asked God to help me say that wretched sentence and find peace in it. I asked him to help me say it and find it to be true. I repeatedly said the same sentence of, “Thank you for taking my dad from me.” And this is what I said to him:
God I can’t say that and mean it. I need you to help me mean it. I’m not thankful for it in the slightest and I need you to help me see reasons to be. I know now this is why I don’t fully trust you, because even though I say I forgive you now, I don’t know if I could forgive you again, and that’s not full forgiveness. I know you tell us to forgive 70×7 times for the same account of the same person, but if you were to give my dad back and then take him again I wouldn’t be okay with that. I wouldn’t forgive you, and this explains why I don’t fully trust you either, but I want to so please help me.
He said to me:
If you hadn’t lost your father you wouldn’t have met me as your father. I wouldn’t be the one you rely on or go to. You wouldn’t be able to reach the same people that you have so far, or even the ones you will in the future because of the story I’ve given you. There are some people who are now going to heaven because of your story of hope that you shared with them, and they wouldn’t have heard of me otherwise. There’s a strong chance you wouldn’t even be here right now, going on the world race, because the direction of your life would’ve looked totally different.
After I heard this from my Father, I broke. But not in a bad painful way. A heavy weight was broken off instead. A weed was ripped out that I had let grow for so long. And I finally had an answer to a prayer i had been praying for so long which was “Let me feel and know more of your love so that I have more to give.” In this moment, I said it again, and for the first time it was true and I meant it. I said “Thank you for taking my dad from me,” and then leaned back and felt as if I was a little girl again curled up in my father’s arms and let his love wash over me. I had never before felt so much love and life than in that moment. I was fully satisfied because for the first time, I was fully filled with his love.
And this is the story of how I forgave God.
