As a missionaries we seek out and work in the most broken parts of this world.
These places often feature corrupt, totalitarian governments, broken healthcare systems, and hurting Christian communities. People are incentivized to keep their heads down because anything more opens them up to corruption and possible persecution. Income mobility is nearly nonexistent–there aren’t enough opportunities and any success stories simply leave the country for safer and more stable environments. The wealthy stay, the aspiring middle class leave, the poor struggle.
The losers in the scheme are the most vulnerable. Disabled. Orphans. Women. Children.
We have seen first-hand that there are few guarantees and no safety net for people in these countries. Drugs, prostitution, gangs lurk just beneath the surface. Many households are fatherless, and fundamentally struggle one way or another: medical issues, unemployment, alcoholism, drugs, physical or sexual abuse. Incest, rape, and pedophilia are alarmingly common.
In this environment, children are considered liabilities. They are another mouth to feed. As soon as they are able, they work because school is either expensive and/or offers no practical opportunity for progression (remember broken economies). Many kids suffer some kind of abuse or trauma, whether acute (one-time) or chronic (repeated). Often they will misbehave simply to receive attention, and an opportunity to interact with a stranger can offer more affection than they would be shown by their own parents. Sad but true.
When many missionaries meet children–moved by compassion–they show unconditional kindness. They hug, hold, affirm the kids as much as they can. The social media of my squad-mates is replete with such imagery. Photos of other mission trips in my network often feature affectionate scenes with a gaggle of foreign kids. Before the World Race, a Peace Corps friend advised me to show as much affection as I could to these children because they were affection starved.
This is wrong.
Before you check out, I am not saying that you cannot show these children affection. Quite the opposite, my Peace Corps friend was completely correct in saying we should, but for one condition. That affection should be shown in the context of a healthy friendship.
As a result of aforementioned home environment, many children who grow up in these affection-starved settings branch out to find affection elsewhere. To find it, they show what’s called Indiscriminate Friendliness–giving affection to strangers they meet in hope of reciprocation. It’s found in the majority of institutionalized children. They seek emotional fulfillment with the affection that should be reserved for their primary caregiver. What’s wrong with that? They are more vulnerable to predators, more susceptible to behavioral/psychological problems such as depression and aggressive behavior. Well after childhood individuals who have struggled with indiscriminate friendliness “were reported as being more adult-orientated, not having a best friend, not turning to peers for support, and not being selective in choosing friends.” (Hodges and Tizard) It severely damages their ability to form platonic relationships.
All this from giving a hug (or something)? Yes, because you are a stranger giving a hug when you first meet these kids.
How do you fight this? Well, I wouldn’t start by shoving away any child who tries to give me a hug. Instead, let it happen quickly, withdraw, shift gears, Extend a handshake, and say “I don’t think we’ve met, my name is _______, what’s yours?” Ask questions as a new friend, like what they want to be when they grow up, or what’s their favorite game, do they want to play it later? Be sure to orient questions towards the present or future because it offers hope, and many conversations focused on the past can trigger negative past experiences. Maintain healthy physical boundaries, by managing the amount of contact, teaching/reinforcing bodily autonomy by asking permission to pick them up or hug them. Maintain a healthy amount of attention/grabbing attention. Give some attention when it isn’t solicited (seeking them out, gives value), withhold some if it is solicited too often (teaches boundaries), don’t be afraid to say “one second” or “I’m talking to ______ right now”. It won’t discourage them for long, it will breed respect.
To fellow missionaries: This isn’t something for just you to tackle. Bring your team into it. Have a conversation with their primary caregiver if possible. Not “you need to love and show affection to your child more” but “your child approaches strangers without caution, maybe have them ask for your permission before talking to new people?” or work with them to create a guideline for first-time interactions.
It’s complex. Interactions are nuanced, and you cannot know the story or the struggles of all the children you meet. Naturally, we reach out in compassion. But giving affection isn’t always the most compassionate thing to do. As missionaries we want to have a long-term positive impact. It is more valuable to show these kids what a healthy interaction with a stranger looks like, then to develop a healthy friendship, and finally to show affection in this context. Not leading with affection. That sows brokenness.
Looking back with the 20/20 vision that hindsight provides, I would change how some interactions went. I wouldn’t have made myself out to be cold, gruff, hard-hearted. But I would have set healthy boundaries. I would have been more controlled in how I gave attention. Learning this kind of stuff at my ministry this month has provided incredible insight on how I will be interacting with children for the rest of the World Race, and something I think that all World Racers should receive training on (bold, but yes, really).
For those reading from afar, this is a prominent issue here. But it isn’t exclusive to the third world. It’s present where you are, and important to consider in any interaction with children. Sometimes showing affection first isn’t the most caring thing you can do! Offering a universal, experiential lesson the parents never could is an incredibly compassionate thing to do.
Alright folks, I’ll cut it there. Thanks for bearing with me. It’s a lot to process, but the heart behind it is good. Putting this into tactful action will take practice. Be persistent though, because being a positive influence in the lives of the kids you interact with is noble and vitally important. Best of luck!
