Trust - Explore Archived World Race Alumni Blogs

These last few weeks have been rough. I have cried almost every day this week at school. I felt like none of my friends cared and I didn’t know who I could trust anymore, and it broke me so much that I made decisions a few weekends ago that leave me still dealing with the consequences. I ruined the one relationship that I grew to always be able to count on because I didn’t know how to just be friends and he put up guards because I became so distant and unsure. I have only been getting about 4 hours of sleep every night stressing about paying for World Race, especially when one of my fundraisers only raised $138 (when I was expecting/hoping for $500+). I have had a very short temper with my mom because of all of the stress going on (which isn’t an excuse, but it is the truth). This only made me feel horrible when I found out some things going on in her life. I am terrified of losing my Regents scholarship when I have to get it deferred, especially because I am struggling in school to keep my grades up (I have a B in 2/4 of my classes which may not seem like much, but has a large effect on Regents). I got in a car accident leaving school Wednesday, and though the other two cars were fine, mine is as good as scrap metal. We all told the police officer that there were no injuries, only for a delayed concussion to arise in which I was diagnosed with this afternoon. The doctor said that it normally would not have occurred, but given that I had one a year ago THIS MONTH and how I have been stressed and had lack of sleep lately, I was prone to get one. We put my dog down yesterday, and though she was not my favorite, she was family and the house has been too quiet without her. It also breaks my heart seeing how broken my mom is without her. I have been putting up guards on my heart and gotten distant from my mentors because it feels like they have more important things in their lives than me. I woke up today feeling better, hoping for a better day, but I got called out of 4th hour to be notified that I got my first detention (for oversleeping first period on February 6).

With all of these things going on, I was giving up. I didn’t understand why God would allow all of this, especially all at once. I was overwhelmed. I was scared and so. emotionally. exhausted.

I got home from school today and went to take a nap and just rest after everything today. While I was asleep I saw an image of a cross with everything going on in my life and on my heart on that cross. It was also covered in blood. I woke up and knew that none of the things going on in my life are too big for the cross. They are all covered by the blood of Jesus. They are all part of His plan. I was gently reminded as I drew out what I saw that my word for 2018 was “trust”. I just heard a simple and quiet voice say, “Please, just trust in me”. I was aware when He spoke that word over me in December that this year would bring trials. I was aware that 2018 was not going to be an easy year. I was aware that I would come to my breaking point. Yet, I so quickly forgot.

He IS big enough, though. He DOES love me. He IS here because He IS Immanuel.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes” Revelation 21:4

“Greater is He who is in me” 1 John 4:4

Shots are firing at me, but I know that He is using them to refine me.

And sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves to allow for the beginning of God to move in our life.

I still will never get to see my dog again. I still do not know how to pay for my car, ticket, a new car, and my entire trip. I still do not know how to fix a lot of the things that have happened. I do, though, know that God does. I do know that He uses ALL things for His glory and that ALL of this will create a faith and dependency on Him that I never could have obtained otherwise. I do know that He loves me and won’t leave me to keep going alone.

Life sometimes likes to hit you while you’re down and it sucks, but I am thankful everyday that I have a God there ready to pick me up and carry me on His shoulders.