I was alone, the sound of my footsteps echoed off of the alley walls. My breathing and heart rate were pulsing as one, in sync. I looked up, “A dead end? It can’t be.”, I thought to myself. I turned around and was suddenly face to face with a blackened hooded figure, darkness seemed to drip and slide off of him. His icy breath froze my heart and the pupils of my eyes dilated as he drew nearer. In an instant, my frozen heart started to crack, it felt as if a fiery metal rod was being thrust strait through the center. I came crashing to the floor clutching my chest, unable to breathe I gasped in agony, tears gushed out of my eyes and flooded down my face. As the hooded figure disappeared back around the corner of the alley a streak of light blinded me. Everything went from a bright blinding light to a blurry shape bending down to me to blacking out. The last thing I remember seeing, feeling, and hearing was a kind face, strong arms gently lifting me up, and someone whispering in my ear, “Don’t worry, I’ve got you, everything’s going to be ok”. Somehow, I knew these words were going to ring true.
So that’s kind of where my heart is at. Over the last few days I have been going to battle. Man has there been some spiritual warfare. The warfare hasn’t been anything physical though, it’s all been in my head. I’ve been having to take every thought captive. Hearing lies over and over in my head usually sinks in and I start to believe them, but now I have started casting out lies. Lies such as I wasn’t worthy, or strong, or good enough among many others. A lot of those lies stemmed from comparison. I have always struggled with this but I never really noticed how much I did it until the race. It’s the littlest and dumbest things I compare myself too, such as others handwriting or clothes, or make up, or hairstyles. Seriously the dumbest things. Yet I was choosing into the lies and comparing myself. Therefore turning my heart cold and not allowing me to step into vulnerability with others. Satan has also been attacking my heart and desires of my heart. Feeding lies to me and telling me I will never heal from my wounds of the past. He had been digging into and resurfacing old memories, choices, and regrets.
Even in all these lies and the stabbing aching pain in my heart, God is greater. Jesus has been working so much on my heart and the healing process HAS begun. The road I have traveled to get to where I am now has been rough, rocky, and rugged, but worth it. The steps I have taken are all of God, I wouldn’t be here without Him. Now the next step has arrived, forgiving myself has been my biggest and hardest struggle. I would really appreciate prayers as I continue to walk through this next step with Jesus. I want to start walking in more humility and serving others. I want a selfless and generous spirit like Jesus. Putting others before myself, having God first, others second, and me last. I am also currently in a time of waiting, man waiting is hard, and trusting God with my future is scary. There’s nobody I would rather trust my future to though and He has full reign of whatever happens next. I am unsure of myself but steadfast in His love.I am assured He knows what His plans for me are.
He’s holding my hand, always there for me and will never leave me or forsake me. He has been with me from the day of my conception and will be with me until the day I run into His arms in heaven. He’s got me, I am safe, secure, and solid. God is my rock and my foundation. So yes, Satan might have stabbed me in the heart but Jesus is the best hero and heart surgeon a girl could ever ask for. He’s tender, gentle, loving, kind, compassionate, loyal, strong, selfless and comforting. I am so excited to see what he does over the next seven months I have with Him and beyond. I really don’t have to worry, He’s totally got me, and everything is going to be just fine.
Things that need prayer cover:
Walking through the forgiveness of myself.
Being vulnerable with my team and allowing them to love me.
Trusting God 100% and leaning on Him for comfort.
No more spiritual warfare on our team.
More JOY and ENERGY!
The squad as a whole with reaching and loving as many people as possible in our last month is Cambodia.
