Dirty, Filthy, Ragged. Fleeing, Hiding, Terrified. Unclean, Worthless, Disgusting. Lonely, Forgotten, Separated. Running, Tripping, Scrambling. Fearful, Anxious, Living in Sin. Bruised, Beaten, Defeated. How many people feel like these words describe how they view themselves at times? Are they felt on a daily basis, every once in a while, twice a month, a few times a year? To be honest I’ve felt all of these, and more. So for starters, you are not alone.
To begin, this is going to be a very honest, vulnerable, and open blog. Just bare with me.
Around this time last year I was living a double life. My cover up, a Christian girl who helps in church, serves people, and is good in school. The other, let’s just say I was neck deep in a lot of sin. Not many people knew about it or saw it in general. Those who did know kept pretty quiet. I was rebelling, running from a Father who only wanted to show me who He made me to be. I was sprinting in the pitch black, and in the opposite direction I should have been going. I was in a secret relationship, sneaking out, lying, cheating and so much more. Everything I should not have been doing I did. I was in a very, very dark place. Yet even in my stupidity, Jesus was running after me. Chasing me down. Pursuing me. “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” Luke 19:10
I was so, so lost in the inky blackness of my own sin. I felt so gross, unclean, and disgusting all the time. I was blinded by the thick smoke and flashing lights. Nothing and nobody was going to tell me different. I knew better but I chose to ignore so many shrill siren warnings and bright red flags. Friends who loved me, told me to cut it out, I chose to ignore everything. I chose into sin and rebellion. I wasn’t filling the deep cavern of my heart with Jesus. I was filling it up with the sludge, sewage and filth of the world.
I was trapped in an on going tunnel/cycle of impounding sin. One thing led to another though as it usually does. Eventually, after “falling flat on my face”, Jesus grabbed a hold of me. I kind of think of it as, as I was running away, Jesus lassoed my ankle, and I “broke my nose, wrist, and a few ribs when I landed”. I had lost friends, trust, a sense of any worth I may have had at the time, and so much more. For three weeks I cried(every day, sometimes multiple times a day), prayed, and searched for the Lord’s answers. “Then I will return to my lair until they have borne their guilt and seek my face– in their misery they will earnestly seek me.” – Hosea 5:15 Slowly but surly, God flipped my life around. It took time, surrender, and an eternal amount of forgiveness.
Even now, a year later, I am working through allowing Jesus to heal my mistakes. He’s been at work within my heart. I am working through forgiving myself. I am working through finding more of Jesus and seeking after Him with my whole heart. He saved my life, now I am free. His Reckless Love has completely wrecked me.
I am now striving towards and following Jesus by serving others. Half way across the world loving his people. I have the opportunity to share my testimony and give all the glory to Him. I get the opportunity to seek Him out in every situation I’m in. I can seek Him and His creativity in the world around me. I get to seek Him in people around me. He has blessed me beyond anything I deserve. He has forgiven me and given me the chance of a life time. The best part about everything is He is still seeking after me, teaching me, and loving me. Yes, I still mess up, I still sin, I am not perfect. Yet, He’s still here. Always constant, always kind, always forgiving.
With being completely pulled from all distractions in America and fully diving into pursuing a relationship with Jesus, I have been seeking God. Here are a few of the many verses I’ve found.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
“Seek the LORD, all you humble of the land, you who do what He commands. Seek righteousness, seek humility; perhaps you will be sheltered on the day of the LORD’s anger”. Zephaniah 2:3
“Look to the LORD and His strength; seek his face always.” 1 Chronicles 16:11
“Look to the LORD and His strength; seek his face always.” Psalm 105:4
“My heart says of you, “Seek His face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek.” Psalm 27:8
“Such is the generation of those who seek Him, who seek your face, God of Jacob.” Psalm 24:6
“But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
God is so good. He is always faithful. He forgives a multitude of sin. His love endures forever. He gave His son for me. He saved me from an eternal hell. God rescued me. If He can rescue me, He can rescue anyone. If He can forgive me, He can forgive anyone. If He can free me, He can free anyone. If He is seeking after me, He’s seeking after everyone. Chose to seek Him! He’s always there, always available, always constant. I encourage you to Seek the Seeker.
