It’s been way too long since I’ve written a blog. Some major things have happened since my last one. I transitioned from Costa Rica to Ecuador. Right before we left Costa Rica though, we had this thing called “the awakening” where my squad and a few other squads met up with each other for a few days. This was a time of worship, getting to know each other, hear stories, learn from teachings and more. The first day had gone really well for me. I met new people and got to listen to incredible stories of experiences in other countries. As the awakening went on though I had become really tired and honestly felt crapped on by lies from the enemy and just certain things that made feel discouraged. Our second to last day I decided to lay in bed and not go to anymore sessions or talk to people because I decided I was done. I decided that I was defeated and that this moment is what defined me. So I laid in bed, stared at the ceiling and began to cry. The Lord speaks to me, never audibly as if it’s a conversation but he speaks to me. I gently felt him saying “what are you doing Amanda?” Out of frustration I literally just said I’m crying I don’t know. As gently as someone could say, I felt him telling me to get up. I made a choice in those 3 seconds to get up and grab my bible. I stopped crying and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Those 3 seconds were huge for me, a really insignificant moment for some people but everything to me. In the past my usual coping is to lay in bed in isolation and believe the lies that fill my mind. This moment was different for me though because in middle school I had been in this same situation, as early as I can remember. This was the first time I remember really being upset, crying for no reason and actually asking God to take my life. I’m now 20 years old and I can honestly say Ive been saved for much more than to lie in bed and not get up and fight for what God has given me. I came to the realization that God has saved me for heavy moments like that because I have come to learn what his voice sounds like and who he is. I’ve been practicing listening to his voice, praying, and seeking him with everything because I came from a really dark part of my life that I needed to be rescued so bad. But I hadn’t yet allowed myself the space to be rescued by him over and over again. It’s not really a one and done thing. He tends to show up just about every time, swooping me in under his arms. I didn’t allow the space because I was ashamed of having anxiety and being depressed in the past. There was so much shame because I’ve never really felt like I’ve had it all together (I don’t think anyone really ever does and that’s okay). I get the phrase “it’s okay to not be okay” but I’ve never wanted to stay there because it got to the point where it became apart of my identity. My consensus in all that God was showing me in that moment was that I have a choice to be rescued by him every time it comes down to it. He speaks in parables and because I’ve molded myself into this relationship with him I know who he is now. There’s no shame in having to lay down in bed and cry every once in a while. There’s no shame in anxiety, depression, or whatever you have going on in your life. But he’s a caring and gentle Father that never wants you to stay there because you were meant for more, you were saved for more. Although my words are sweet and meaningful, I cannot make the choice for you to get out of bed and keep fighting. I cannot convict you but I can be a testimony of what it looks like to keep fighting when all you want to do is lay down and be in isolation. I know isolation very very well and it’s never served me and my life, yet God chose to meet me in those moments. It wasn’t until this last time did I notice that he’s been speaking to me all along. I never knew what he sounded like till I actually tried to seek him and trust him with the parts of me that I never wanted to be uncovered.
I ended up going on stage during worship that night, laying it all out there in front of 150+ people. It was terrifying but I didn’t care. I didn’t go in this much detail but I left them with the fact that God has saved me for moments like that and for moments
Of me speaking in front of people even though it’s scary. He shows up and allows me to use things that I’ve let people or life take away from me, my voice and my authority. I told a room full of strangers, besides my squad, that there’s no shame in the parts of your life that bring you down and make you want to hide. But we were very much meant for more than that and to stay there is deprivating to your soul and your life that God has given you. It took me 3 seconds to make that choice to get up from bed and it took me 3 seconds to have the courage to get up on that stage. I had people coming up to me after encouraging me and telling me that I’m not the only one, that they needed to hear that. That’s my favorite thing in the world to hear. Not just for me but that people will know they’re not the only ones and that hiding in the dark is exactly where Satan wants you whether you believe it or not. God doesn’t want you in the dark, he will bring things in the light in perfect timing, sometimes offering freedom for others. If I can leave you with anything, it’s that shame and isolation are not from God. But he’ll meet you there if you’re willing to seek him with your whole heart and find it out for yourself. As many sermons and podcasts I’ve listened to, that 3 second moment was where I really learned who God is and decided to make a hard but rewarding choice to get up and keep fighting. “Get up and take your mat” he says. And I say yes I will get up and keep going even when it’s so hard to, even when no one else seems to understand or be there. I will get up & I will keep fighting
