hello friends, family, strangers
this blog will be by far one of the hardest things I’ve chosen to be vulnerable about but here I go
A few days ago my squad and I had an activation thing to start off the week. It involved a time for healing for anyone that had been hurt in the past by someone/something-especially something that has been pulling them down. The owners of the base, Renee and Doug were there along with Pastor Renee. They instructed this session and got into detail about the weight of past experiences that can weigh you down, especially when you’re serving. So of course I immediately thought of my dad when they started to talk about healing. Back in Thailand I had inner healing for a couple of personal things that ended up leading down to one thing-my dad.
My dad has not been in my life in 20 years. The only thing I know about him is his name and the fact that he hasn’t been around.
I am now 20 years old and I think about him more than I have before. I wondered about him before but I never knew the weight of his decision that effected my life. Since growing in my relationship with the Lord, many many things have come to the surface. I’ve given my testimony a few times since being on the race and each time the Lord’s pointed out things that I never knew noticed before. I knew that I was searching for something that I couldn’t obtain but I didn’t know why. I knew that I wanted affirmation from boys but I didn’t know why. I knew that I put up with emotional abuse but I didn’t know why. I knew that that wasn’t real love-not doing anything about it- but I didn’t know why.
For a long time I went out searching for affirmation from anyone or anything that could make it known that I was in fact enough. I never felt like I could measure up to anything, that I was worthy of anything, and that I was unloved. A piece of me felt like it was missing but I couldn’t find it anywhere. Lost in alcohol, smoking, sex, and many other things-I felt even further from what I was really searching for. This in itself was disappointing to me, breaking me down to my last bit of worth I had left-or so I thought.
Because I grew up without a father, I had no flipping idea what it meant to have a father figure. Love did not make sense to me, I didn’t know what it was. No one in my family was married so I didn’t have a first look at it everyday. Blinded to what the love is like from a father-I made up my own ideas of who I was and what it was. It led me to believe that I needed to find that affirmation from boys, letting them treat me however they wanted to because that’s love right? It led me to alcohol, smoking, and pornography because that fills up the hole in my heart right?My dad not being there for me when I needed him the most, it never made sense to me. So I ask God “why would you let that happen?” “Why me?” I look around and see people that have their fathers and I look at myself and say “where’s yours?” He’s not here and he hasn’t been. Mindlessly searching for answers in worldly things, blaming God for everything, treating certain people like crap. It all piled on for a while until I could no longer go on. I thought there was nothing left for me. When I looked at myself in a mirror I saw a slut, unworthiness, stupid, waste of space- I could go on. (I was pretty harsh on myself)
Every time I looked in the mirror I saw me as someone I never wanted to become. I made decisions based on the surface, based on what I saw in front of me. But I never cared to go deeper, to look into my past because I thought the bottom is what I deserved. I was truly convinced I deserved the worst, that I wasn’t even worthy of an “I love you.”
The one that has cared to go way beyond the surface, our Heavenly Father.
p.s.-the words Heavenly Father made me so uncomfortable for the longest time so it took me a while to be able to write those words.
So fast forward to being on the race. Twice I have been led to write a letter to my dad, pouring out my thoughts and feelings to him. Both times I have hated it because it makes me uncomfortable. Slowly I realized a lot of my life has revolved around him yet he hasn’t been here for me or my family. Both times involved cussing and tears-revealing pain that I’ve shoved down for so long because I didn’t think it was that important. (I was an idiot) But the second time writing a letter to him was different than the first. The Lord is giving me the space to forgive him, deeper this time. To keep digging up the ugly parts of myself that don’t belong there.
So, A letter to my dad-
This will be my second time writing you a letter. The first time I gained a lot of freedom. But there’s still things rooted deep inside me that involve you leaving us behind. Your choice to leave has caused me to feel worthless my whole life, until recently. I blamed you for making me find my worth in lust. I blamed you for the hurt-so much hurt that you caused because of your own selfish decision. I lacked in affirmation so I went to human flesh. I ended up putting everything into others. I believe lies about myself for years. Some from other things but a lot from you. I’m taking another step into forgiving you. Another step into not carrying that hurt because it’s too heavy for me and I don’t deserve that. Your choice of abandonment has caused me to grow closer to God. I’m choosing good now. I’m choosing to forgive you again. I’m doing this because it’s a command, it’s an act of love. You have been an enemy in my life and I don’t even know what you look like. You’ll never know how much you hurt me. I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet you in this life but I’m writing this to tell you that God loves you deeply. He doesn’t look at you any differently even though you caused me so much pain and hurt. It takes everything in me to express these things but it’s because of my Heavenly Father that I can because he’s so good.You let the enemy steal and destroy but I will not let that happen again. You didn’t even give it a chance, instead you ran like a coward. But I refuse to let the enemy speak lies over me because of a choice that YOU made. A choice that I couldn’t even change because I was a baby. I longer carry them with me because it’s harmful to my heart and my relationship with the Lord. So know, even if you may never read this, I forgive you. I forgive you because he forgave me. My prayer for you is that you will find him too. You have another family of your own now but I pray it’s centered around Him. You were once my biggest enemy, someone I couldn’t even point out in a room, yet I’ve carried your choice of abandonment everyday. But not I am choosing something different. I’m letting it go, I’m giving you to Him. It’s not my job to carry these things around because you were never even around. But I hope that you can do the same as well- to choose good and to not carry around things that don’t belong there. I don’t really know you but I love you and God loves you. I hope you can choose him and not the enemy.
-Amanda
In writing this letter, I have grown in intimacy with God even more. Because I didn’t have a father figure, because I was missing something that was supposed to be there, I could not look at God as my Heavenly Father. I didn’t trust him at all. But the truth of the matter is that my dad made a decision that day that I’ve carried with me everyday, without even knowing. A choice that I have no control over. But I’m choosing to move forward, to allow God to show me what real love is, to have a relationship with him. The absence of my dad has caused me to dig deeper with God and I’m thankful for it for the first time. It’s been difficult and it still is. Learning to trust him, it takes EVERYTHING in me but I’m learning and I’m trying. Through the search of what I thought was good for me, I finally found what’s really good for me.
That day we had healing, Doug had asked us to come up and receive a “dad hug” if we felt led to. When he said this I was like no thanks that’s kinda freaking weird. No beef against Doug it just makes me uncomfortable, because you know no dad so it’s just a little weird. But I felt a tug on my heart to do it so I did. We hugged for a little bit, felt a little uncomfortable and then the Holy Spirit spoke directly through him. He doesn’t know anything about me but the first thing he said to me was “you didn’t deserve that.” And I kinda lost it. After that he spoke things over me that have been spoken to me before, just a confirmation of Gods love for me in the grand scheme of things. He says that I carry a peace with me even through the hard things, that I am a seeker of justice, and I am a fighter. Those are words I live by and stand by because they’re the truth. I am not a slut, I’m not unworthy, and I’m already enough.
My name means worthy of love and that means his love most of all.
I wondered what the Lords intentions of me writing this blog was but I come back to the endless search of affirmation and the lack of love that we all need. I cannot change my past but I can choose what to do with it now. I looked for love in all the wrong places and ended up feeling more empty than before. Trusting God with anything before-it seemed impossible because I put my everything into all the wrong places-because I never saw him as a father. The Lord’s flipped these things for me and is working on me with these things. I’m in a place I never thought I would be but it’s exactly where I need to be. I’m learning more and more how to see him as a father and it’s been very very hard but worth it because I’m finding my worth in him.
Whether you have a father figure or not, there’s a Father up there that loves you so much. That parts easy for me to say but it is hard to allow him into every part of your life because sometimes that means you have to be built back up again, and it’s not always fun. Coming from someone who used to look for that real love in all the wrong places, I have found it and I couldn’t be more filled. He’s filled the hole in my heart and he’s shown me what real love is. Pursuing a relationship with him, willing to be vulnerable, it’s harder than I ever thought. The truth is that some days I wish I was where I was before because it seemed easier but he’s showing me that those days are not what I need back in my life. The days that I found my worth in all the wrong things.
If there’s anything I want people to take away from this blog is that brokenness is welcome when it comes to him. I cannot convince anyone of anything, I cannot sit here and tell you that following Jesus and having to be built back up again is comfortable or romantic. Because it’s not. It’s hard and it can be painful but it’s teaching me to trust him and depend on him. So I don’t know if I’ll ever meet my dad in this lifetime but God’s showing me I’m holding onto a choice he made 20 years ago-holding it too tight. I’m learning to let it go, to see him as my Heavenly father, and to choose good in this life.
*this blog holds a big place in my heart and I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story/anything of that nature.
Here’s to dad hugs and getting through the uncomfortable-getting to the place of real love. God is so good.
