Who is Jesus to me?
Disclaimer: my blogs are sometimes all over the place but please read!!!!
Hello I’m going on month 3 right now of the race and it’s been amazing!
However recently I’ve been struggling with being mentally present here because I can’t help but think about everything back home. A lot of the people that read this (hopefully) are people from back home that I’ve known for a long time. I care so deeply for those people and I feel as if I can never let them go. As I was writing this blog, I was writing something completely different but I really felt a tug to write this one.
An obvious statement of this world would be that it’s filled with brokenness. Literally everywhere you go you’ll find it but sometimes it’s harder to see. Last night I did street evangelism with two of my squad-mates, Ben and Justin. Nothing really huge happened overall but we did get to hangout with some people on the streets for a little bit. We talked to them , played card games, and attempted to tell them about Jesus. The group of men that we played card games with had brought out a piece of cardboard for us to sit on. Until I walked away later I didn’t realize just how sincere that small gesture was. These guys don’t have a home, barely have anything for themselves, and made us feel so welcomed. I saw Jesus in them just from that. Something about this made me think of the U.S. There is wealth and people who have more than others, there’s different levels of classes, poverty, or dirt poor. But whats really the difference between someone who has “everything” and someone who has “nothing?” This is not meant to make wealthier people feel bad. I have met people who have everything and I have met people who literally have nothing. I have met people who have convinced themselves that they’re worthless and some that feel quite the opposite. I’ve come across so many different people in the U.S. and outside of the U.S. The one thing we all have in common is brokenness. Doesn’t matter if you have money, material things, or a roof over your head. We’re all broken in different ways but we all came from universal sin.
I still don’t know exactly how to explain Jesus to people sometimes because he’s un comparable to anything on this earth. He’s not of this earth but surely he’s here. Anyway I feel like I’m rambling but I think I just desire for everyone to know him. So I think the reason I’m writing this is because people in the U.S. need to hear the message of Jesus Christ, just as much as people in other countries. The brokenness in America is sometimes harder to see because people tend to have more than others in poorer countries. No amount of wealth, things, status, or anything on this earth compares to what he has to offer. So why do I follow Jesus? Why did I leave home to do this? Why do I want so badly for others to know him? I will try my best to explain in words and of course it won’t ever do him justice, but I’ll try.
Jesus is the only constant thing in my life. He is like a friend who is always there. He is there to speak truth into me, to lift up my chin, and to direct me through life. The relationship I have with him is what keeps me going everyday. I have learned that to be a Christian is to have a relationship with the Lord. Yes there’s commandments that keep you from doing certain things but that is not meant to take over the idea of being a Christian. I myself know this because I used to view Christianity this way. I looked at it as limiting and more of a burden because I wanted to drink alcohol without feeling guilty. I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted. To drink, smoke, have sex, watch pornography, and so on. I have done things that are horrible and people have done things to me that are horrible. Because of these things I came to know Jesus, especially since being on the race. I grew up without a father so to see the Lord as my Heavenly Father, I thought it was b.s. I didn’t trust him nor did I want to try for the longest time. A little over a year ago, I had reached my breaking point. I was so depressed, so lost, I felt as if I had no worth. The Lord slowly pulled me away from my past, and I begin to change. Somehow he had led me to the World Race. Now the part where I had began to change, I can’t really explain the exact timing and I can’t tell you that it happened over night but little did I know that he had been there the whole time. He knew of my past sins and all of these burdens I carried with me. I carried a lot of these with me at the beginning of the race and slowly he’s been knocking them down. It’s the most freeing thing one could ask for. I felt disgusting, broken, and just unworthy of anything for a long time. The Lord doesn’t see me or his people this way. He wants to fix these things for you. No amount of wealth, sex, drugs, alcohol, pornography, food, and so on can fix you. No woman or man, nothing. He’s the only that has been able to take on these burdens of mine and say “it’s okay, let me fix it for you.” In order for me to come to this part of my life, it took humbling myself, acknowledging my wrongs, and a desire to turn away from sin. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever sin and that I never will, it’s a deceleration to stray away from it because it pulls me further away from him every time. So I don’t see the Ten Commandments as something that’s a burden. I see it as a way to grow closer to the Lord and to really be a reflection of him. I decided to stop drinking and doing other things because I saw it breaking my mental state down. And no that doesn’t make me “better” than those that do things along those ways. I saw my past sins as something that I no longer desired because of what it made me think of myself and how much it broke Gods heart for me. It’s not that I can’t do certain things, it’s that I don’t want to.
Psalm 51:14-17 is part of a prayer of repentance. It says-
14 “Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, The God of my salvation And my tongue shall sing aloud your righteousness.
15 “O Lord, open my Lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.”
16 “For you do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and contrite heart- These, O God, you will not despise.”
The premise of this prayer is that the Lord accepts and forgives those who are honest with Him, humble before him, and who recognize their dependence on His grace. I just realized how long this has been and if you’re still reading then holy crap I will Venmo you $5. Just kidding but please keep reading. So I see the Lord as my ultimate helper, redeemer, and still in the process of trying to see him as my father because I am stubborn. But he is my ultimate source of strength and worth. Something about all of this makes me excited for life. To know that I will one day be in heaven with him, but for now that I can spread the good news. And this is not meant to just be a romantic and attractive way of being a Christian. It’s not easy everyday but I could spend everyday doing this-telling others about him. This relationship with him is everything to me and it’s been nothing short of everlasting freedom. To me, Jesus is love and he is freedom.
