A recurring theme since training camp is that I have intimacy struggles with the Lord; I don’t know how to be vulnerably all his. It scares me to give all of myself to someone, even the creator of the world. I know He is the one person that will accept me as I am, welcome me with open arms, and not reject me, but I am scared. I was challenged by my leaders to write a poem, laying my heart bare before him. This was super not my thing, but as I sat and wrote this poem more and more layers of my heart were pulled back. I began to realize one of the main roots of my struggles is the fear that drives my decisions and my relationships. I’m scared. I’m scared to jump on a plane and fly across the world. I’m scared to leave my friends and family. I’m scared to open my entire heart to the Lord because maybe then he would see my filth and reject me. I’m scared to open my heart to other people about what I truly believe the Lord is showing me because I’m already struggling to believe it for myself; if people reject that, I would be left feeling hopeless and put to shame.
Clearly, the Lord is greater than my fears and we are starting to work through these fears together, but part of this new vulnerability process is sharing my heart with others. So here is a piece of my heart that I hope encourages you to seek out how the Lord views you and to seek out deeper intimacy with the Lord. If I can pray for you in any way or you are needing some encouragement feel free to call, comment, or text me!
(me)
Abba, Here I am
In need, In Want,
but don’t come close
for I’m not enough.
The distance hurts,
but it’s the easiest way
please don’t come close
you won’t want to stay.
My walls are high
My heart is stained
don’t come close
you’ll be ashamed.
I feel so alone
so terrified,
but please don’t come close
I’m filthy inside.
(Abba)
Daughter, Here I am
So proud, so in love
please come close
for you are enough.
I’ll close the gap
I’ll do the work
just please come close
you have my worth.
I’m breaking the walls
don’t run from me
please Love, come close
I want intimacy.
Please take my hand
I’ll take your fears
Baby come close
your Abba is near.
