I have struggled most of my life with my appearance, mainly my weight. While being on the race God has shown me I struggle with not feeling wanted and feeling abandoned. I had an idea of why I struggled with abandonment but i didn’t realize I struggled with not feeling wanted and where that came from.
My parents were divorced when I was really young, I spent my Christmas and summers in Nebraska with my dad and school year in Texas with my mom. I didn’t grow up around my cousins or family in general they all live in Nebraska and Iowa. So I saw them twice a year when I was in town. But we always all spent Christmas Day at my Grandma and Grandpa Joints house. I loved getting to see everyone and hanging out with all my cousins playing Nintendo in the basement while the adults did adult things upstairs! We would all open presents together and my grandma nine times out of ten got the girls pretty much the same things, cloths, dolls, arts and crafts. One Christmas I was about 8 or 9 my cousins and i were playing in basement after we had opened presents and decided I wanted some more food, so I grabbed my plate and started to walk upstairs, as I was coming to the first landing (you couldn’t see it from the living room) I heard my grandma in the living room talking to one of my aunts about how she was going to have to stop buying me cloths because I was getting to fat. She could buy the other girls cloths in the child section but had to buy mine in the junior section and i was costing her to much money. I wasn’t wanted!
Fast forward some more when I got older trips to my dads got harder with FFA and school I just couldn’t leave for the whole summer or Christmas like I could when I was younger. So I took weekend trips when I could. I flew up there one weekend we spent the day riding four wheelers and just exploring around the lake. Dinner time rolled around and everyone insisted i try the pizza from the marina! So my step mom, me and grandma Barbie all went to the marina to order a pizza. We got to the counter and my step mom introduced me as “Jeff’s daughter”. Part of me was hurt, I mean she had been around me since I was 3 or 4 I was in my 20s at this point i thought i was her daughter too. But I brushed it off tried not to think to much about it but then the lady at the counter says “I didn’t know Jeff had a daughter.” My dad had lived in that community a few years and they didn’t know he had a daughter. In my mind that meant he didn’t ever talk about me never told anyone my accomplishments, and not to mention the lack of pictures of me in their house. (Not that they had a lot of ppl in there, they are kinda non social) but none the less, I wasn’t wanted.
Growing up my brother and I were always thick as thieves we did everything together. When he was little and you asked him who his hero was he would say “Sissy”! His college experience changed that; One time I posted a pic and tagged him in it and one of his frat brothers had no idea he even had a sister. Which made me think he was ashamed of me because I wasn’t athletic and I wasn’t what society, his group of friends, considered beautiful. I wasn’t anything like my brother. I wasn’t wanted!
Now how all this ties together is…. I learned that you weren’t wanted if you weren’t beautiful by society standards. My brother didn’t tell ppl about me because I wasn’t pretty enough, he was ashamed of his fat sister. My grandma didn’t want me because I was bigger than my cousins. My dad didn’t tell ppl he had a daughter because I wasn’t good enough. These lies embedded themselves in me from childhood and have stuck with me and influenced so much of my life in so many ways! Most of which were really unhealthy. This month we were given the word “freedom” from our leadership. We are to learn to walk in freedom, so we sat and asked the lord what we needed freedom from. When we first talked about it in my mind I was like uhhh I’m free I know what it is to walk in freedom I’m good! (Smh So arrogant) We were asked what’s something the team can speak over you to help you walk in freedom and out of no where I said “wanted”. In that moment I knew it was something I struggled with but didn’t really know why.
So I spent time with God and asked when these lies started. God showed me those were some of the Instances that Satan grabbed my ear and whispered his lies into me, and those lies grabbed onto something inside of me and held on tight. I don’t know what the learning process of feeling “wanted” looks like yet as i just figured all this out this morning. But i will tell you i started with prayer, spending time with God and praying that he uproots these lies Satan placed in my heart at such a young age, prayer that He reminds me on a daily that i am wanted even though i may not be what society calls beautiful!
One thing he did remind me of this morning though was that He is the creator and he created me and the creator doesn’t make mistakes! I was created just how i am for a reason.
( side note: My family has never said that to me and there are perfectly logical explanations for everything that has happened but it was what I took from the situation.)
* fundraising update*
I only need $2,808 to be fully funded! I have about 2 weeks to raise that amount so if you can help me out in any way please hit the orange “donate” button at the top and it will wall you step by step through the giving process AND all donations are tax deductible!!!
