I have been in this place of searching for God. God didn’t lose me I stopped coming to him. The other day during team worship we did this awesome thing called letters from God! So everyone had a card we wrote our names on the back so no one could see it, u put all of them in the middle mix them up and everyone takes one and writes down whatever God tells u to write for that person u keep passing them around till everyone has had a chance to write on all the cards! It was the most heartwarming and perfect thing! But I noticed a common theme in a majority of my notes…. let go. Which baffles me because to my knowledge I am not holding onto anything. But I do know there is a disconnect between God and I and He’s not the problem, I am!
Being in the mission field you pour so much of yourself into the ppl around you, and if I am being completely honest that has been hard for me at times because I was so disconnected. When you are pouring yourself into others it’s important to make sure you are being filled as well. An empty glass can’t fill others! And I have been trying to fill others from an empty glass!
For me the world race started out in complete chaos! Trying to grieve not only loosing a friend but leaving behind my life, then trying to adjust to living in a foreign country and living with 14 ppl, was so overwhelming for me and I dealt with it by just “winging it” I wasn’t taking any of my problems to God. There was a disconnect because I wasn’t seeking I was going through the motions. I was in survival mode so to speak, just doing what I need to do to get through. But I was pouring everything I had into the ppl here and not refilling myself! And part of me knew I couldn’t keep going like that I needed to fix the problem but I didn’t know how! And it lead to me literally getting sick.
I woke up every morning for the past week praying to God for him to take the sickness away. I wasn’t sleeping well a night, I felt terrible and when he didn’t answer my prayers i got mad. Like God I am here trying to do your work and I can’t do it well if I don’t feel well.I talked to my mom one morning when I was really homesick I just wanted NyQuil, thermaflu, and Netflix! And she made a good point she told me God was going to use it and at the time I was like uhhh no, how in the world is God going to use this?! That was the beginning of coming to him again! So one morning our worship teams had practice and me and another teammate were left here alone so I decided I needed a taste of home and started to download my home church podcast and spent a good part of my day listening and getting into the word trying anything to feel that connection again. I felt a slight spark of joy at the end of the day like hey i might be coming out of this!
But i continued to struggle, kind of wondering around in circles not really knowing where I am going or what I’m doing, I’m here but I’m not REALLY here. I woke up super early on an off day from coughing so much and just decided I wasn’t going to get anymore sleep so I grabbed my bible, pens and journal and headed to the porch. Thinking well I’m not going to get any closer to God if I don’t keep trying! So I sat…. I just sat and listened…. I got nothing. I became frustrated, the Holy Spirit hasn’t been known to be a quiet being in my life! I’m so use to hearing him. But lately that wasn’t the case, not really anyways. He showed up to lead me to some ppl that needed prayer but when it came to my personal life he was quiet. So while sitting a verse from reckless love started repeating in my mind…. “the overwhelmingly never ending reckless love of God, it chases me down fights till I’m found leaves the 99. I couldn’t earn it I don’t deserve it still you give yourself away.” Then I realized he wasn’t being silent I was blocking him out, I was running from him, hiding from him for whatever reason. But being a faithful God he was running after me, waiting for me to release whatever i am struggling with to him! I was watching my team go so deep with God and I wanted that I want to be in that place where I am sitting at the feet of my Father just in awe of the things he is showing me. I miss that so much. But then why am I running away, what is that I won’t let go of?
I don’t have those answers yet, but I am working on getting them. This morning I sat down and just poured my heart out to God! I want to be here I want to be used by Him! I don’t want to hold onto anything I want to let go of whatever it is! And I am confident that when He is ready He will reveal it to me and He will get me through it!
The world race is an amazing opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ and I’m really passionate about that and I’m not going to give up. And I am so thankful that I have a God that won’t give up on me, He’s going to fight for me and He will win! So there will be more to this story and He will use it for His glory!
*Fundraising Update*
I still need $1624 for my November deadline and $6824 to be fully funded! If you feel lead to donate please hit the donate button it is a tax write off and everything helps there is no amount to small and no amount to large!
Thank you for being on this journey with me! Stay tuned to see what God is going to do next!
