So post airport (read a couple blogs before this one to find out all the feels of before the airport) I landed in Atlanta and wondered around for some time till i found some other ppl carrying big back packs and we all kinda just huddled together to wait for a shuttle (we waited for like 3 hours lol) Once we got to camp we finally got to meet our squad! I was so excited to meet the people that i had known for so long through a computer screen, then excitement turned into loneliness when i realized that the expectation i had of instant friendship turned into a false expectation. We walked as a squad down to our campsite and started setting everything up and as i listened to the conversations going on around me i realized how really alone i felt. I sat in my tent for a good 10 mins and cried, i txt my friend Jessie and told her what was going on and she encouraged me to step out and be open and enjoy what was going on around me and find at least 3 things that i enjoyed about the day. I was skeptical to say the least but i put on a happy face and joined the squad trying to step in and join convos and just be there in that moment. Worship that night came and went and as i was getting ready for my first night sleeping in my tent i txt Jessie back and told her, i didn’t find 3 things, but i was going into tomorrow with a positive outlook. The next night we had the airport sleeping scenario which then just made me question things even more… i was so miserable that night!!! The next 3 days were rough, i am not going to lie. I struggled a lot with fitting in and making new relationships i questioned if i was even suppose to be there more and more as the days went on.
Day 4 was better we did a team exercise and I messed up and made things a little more complicated for our team and i was the “weak link” so to speak and when it was all said and done and we were sitting and talking about everything no one blamed me or even mentioned that i had messed up. Which is something i am not use to AT ALL. I have gotten so use to everyone pointing out every flaw and mistake that i make that i was literally in awww that no one blamed me! It was a whole new concept for me! So that night i was feeling a little better about everything then day 5 happened! lol We did another team exercise with a few different people and CHAOS followed! (If you know me around new people i am very standoffish i don’t talk a lot i kind of just keep to myself) We were working through some scenarios and I was trying to give ideas and help but i was being completely ignored and talked over so i shut down and kinda just stood back even more than i normally do and let the team work without me. I felt so defeated, it seemed like one thing after another was just showing me more and more that this might not be for me and i might have went into this with a selfish intentions instead of a calling like i had been thinking.
Later that day we got put into our teams and to say that i am blessed is an understatement i felt like i fit right in with them i felt safe and happy! I got put on a team with the most amazing outgoing, fun loving ladies anyone could ask for! Despite this i was still questioning if i was suppose to be there! That night i sat at worship and i prayed and journaled asking God to send me someone to just tell me that i am where i am suppose to be. That night the holy spirit was loud and clear! After i asked him to send me someone his response was “why? You already know this is where you are suppose to be, but i will appease you anyways” about 10 to 15 min later my teammate Suze came over and asked if she could pray for me. In her prayer she said ” she knew that this is where i was suppose to be but asked God to reassure me of this” we finished up and after she left i kept hearing Isaiah 42. I figured I was just re calling something from my notes and ignored it. The holy spirit was persistent, because the next morning during quiet time it was replaying in my head again. So i gave in and read it (i’m paraphrasing) but it said you are chosen you are here because i called you here. Still being skeptical i looked through my notes and Isaiah 42 was no where to be found. It was then that i was calmed in that aspect of my calling. I have heard the holy spirit before but never that clear and persistent. After that day i stopped counting how many days it was till i could go back home and embraced where i was because after all I was called!
In that moment and ever since all my anxiety about fundraising and questions of ” am i called to this or was this just me wanting to do something new?” were silenced! I have never heard the Holy Spirit speak so loudly and so clearly in my life and it was truly amazing.
The devil is tricky he used one of my biggest fears to make me second guess and doubt what i had known for awhile WAS a calling and not selfish intentions. Over the course of this journey i have asked for conformation on this constantly thinking is this really for me and every time God has been faithful in showing me that this is what he had planned and what i was suppose to be doing with my life. Looking back on it now i realize just how gentle and caring our God was in showing me this. He gently eased me into this calling knowing that if he would have just thrown me in i would have ran the other direction as fast as i could! I picture it like a father teaching his kid to swim. I envision God playing in the pool splashing and having fun with my friends that already had a heart for missions and me standing on the side of the pool watching and cheering them on. But what they were doing for God looked so amazing and fun. So my curiosity was peaked, i took 1 step closer to the pool, as they each were leaving and coming back and sharing stories of the amazing things God did i got even more curious. Little by little i started to get into the pool and little by little God was teaching me to have a heart for missions.
His way was so sweet and so caring God takes the time to know his children some people may be fine jumping head first into something and going all, God knew i was not one of those people and he slowly started to work on my heart. The beauty of how well he knows me just makes me fall in love with him even more and more!
Trust God he knows what he is doing!
