I was up late one night and this happened. This post is kinda vulnerable to what my life has been for a month or so.
I stumbled upon Psalm 77 while skimming through “she reads truth” (it’s a great website with prayer & bible plans, ladies I highly recommend) and God hit me straight up and overwhelmed me with His spirit. I immediately turned my phone off, grabbed my notebook, and God and I had a much needed conversation. If y’all have not read Psalm 77 I would head over there right now and read it. I probably read it 3 dozens times that night.
It starts off like this,
“I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,
I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.”
Recently in my life, I feel like God has been distanced from me. Like He hasn’t been present in my daily life no matter how hard I try, read, pray. He seems like this distant being. Throughout my World Race journey so far, I’ve had this silence about it. I used to feel God and His presence so clearly, but the world has taken me captive. With my final months of high school winding down, fear and anxiety takes a place in me. My future is unknown to me and it scares me into a place of silence. Satan uses silence in such a way I never saw it coming. When questions of doubts, self worth, and future plans came, I shut down unable to see the wonders of God and his magnificent love and grace He has repeatedly shown me.
In verses 2-6, the Scripture says,
“I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.
When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”
I didn’t believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can’t even say what’s bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all through the night,
wondering how to get my life together”
In meeting people and telling them what I will be doing next year, the most frequent response is, “that is so awesome, you are going to be doing amazing things”. Although the intentions are blessings and joy filled, this verse has literally word for word what the feeling was. No one I know has gone through this adventure before me. No one, not even me, knows what I will go through, encounter, or how I will be different by this time next year. The future for me is a scary place where silence festers fear. There are nights of crying because of the worry of so much change that will be happening soon. Graduation, training camp, and then launch, are closer than it seems. My life was an open wound that I could not control. Through the continuous silence, I could not defeat it.
In verse 10 it says,
“Just my luck,” I said. “The High God goes out of business
just the moment I need him.”
As soon as I felt that I really needed God in the hard times of fundraising, faith, friends and family, and changes that will happen, the silence crept in and it felt like He vanished. I sat in frustration and brokenness. I really lost the sense of who God really was.
In verses 13-15,
“O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You’re the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.”
This verse reminded me of the God I have known my whole life. The God that conquers and loves. I love the verse of “you’re the God who makes things happen” because that is literally who our God is. God has opened every door for me at the moment for this trip. He makes things happen for His glory and plan.
In verses 16-19,
“Ocean saw you in action, God,
saw you and trembled with fear;
Deep Ocean was scared to death.
Clouds belched buckets of rain,
Sky exploded with thunder,
your arrows flashing this way and that.
From Whirlwind came your thundering voice,
Lightning exposed the world,
Earth reeled and rocked.
You strode right through Ocean,
walked straight through roaring Ocean,
but nobody saw you come or go.”
So if you don’t know me that well, you should know I am OBSESSED with nature and what God has created. God speaks the best through nature to speak to me. So these verses overwhelmed me. Let me break this down for you. The ocean, which is over 70.9% of earth’s surface & has a volume which is incomprehensible, TREMBLED WITH FEAR at the name of our God. He walked STRAIGHT through that ROARING ocean. Just like my silence, He was there every single second of every single day these couple of months. I couldn’t walk straight through this season, but God could and did. He has guided me through the silence because nothing is too big for God. Satan will never be able to win in my silence because of the name of Jesus that makes the demons fall, the oceans tremble, the earth rock, the skies explode, and my heart that makes it back to Him because I am HIS child. I am HIS daughter. Loved. Worthy. And sent to shine His light & love to every nation.
I know this was super long but I just had to share what God put on my heart that night.
An update to fundraising I am 20.43% funded!!!!! Whoop!!! That means I’m at $3,228. I want to say an all around thank you to those reading this blog that donated. Y’all have been such blessings, and I can’t ever thank you enough. I am super close to hitting my first goal which is June 22 of $5,000!!!!
