Do you think those relationships will still be there when you get back?
That very question stopped me dead in my tracks. Ringing in my ears, I felt tears begin to run down my face.
In that moment I realized that I had been compartmentalizing my fears for months. I was absolutely terrified. Terrified of change. Terrified of leaving my community behind. Terrified of being forgotten. Terrified of the unknown. I took a deep breath, and pulled myself together. I couldn’t cry. I had to be strong for everyone else. However, those thoughts continued to haunt my mind for the rest of the night.
I have been SO excited about this trip since I found out I was going. I felt such a peace about finally answering the calling the Lord had put on my life. I had so much conformation in so many different areas. So why now a month before leaving, was I having this gut- wrenching fear?
Later that night, I sat there trying to focus on my homework, but my mind went into a panic. This time I didn’t hold back. I let go. I was ugly- crying. I wasn’t ready for everything to change. I wasn’t ready to leave my friends. I wasn’t ready to leave Celeste. I wasn’t ready to leave my dog. I wasn’t ready to leave the comforts of this life. I began to feed into the chatterbox in my mind.
You will never be good enough
You can’t do this, your weak
Who do you think you are? Your supposed to be strong.
What are people going to think when they find out your a fraud- your terrified?
Sitting there, shaking, consumed by fears and self- doubt, I immediately gathered I was feeding into the lies of the enemy. The choice was mine. Was I willing to sacrifice everything to follow Jesus?
Three verses immediately came to mind:
“Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!” -1 Chronicles 16:24
“He must increase, but I must decrease.” -John 3:30
“If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” -Luke 9:23
Man, I was completely Jesus juked.
Yeah, I’m terrified. But no one ever said following the Lord was easy, there is a cost. In order for Him to increase, I must decrease. The Lord has called me to be a light, to help people. To share His marvelous works and love to all nations.
I’m not alone.
The Lord is walking through this journey with me.
So yes, there are sacrifices I have to make, in order to fulfill the Lord’s calling. I have to leave this life behind for a season, but it will still be here when I get back if thats in the Lord’s plan. Yes things might change, but can I really doubt the Lord’s goodness?
Loved ones, I want to encourage you to lay your fears at the feet of Jesus. He will give you the boldness to walk forward into the unknown, every step of the way.
