In about a week my squad and I will be heading off to our last country of the race. We have some crazy travel days ahead + a 24 hour layover in Los Angeles so it will be super strange being back in the States. With all this craziness coming up, last Wednesday our squad leaders sat us down and told us about Cambodia and what it will look like. They told us that my team and one of the other small girls team will be staying in a different city than the rest of the squad for the remaining three months of the race. They told us that the other half of the squad would be about three hours away from us and that we would be living in Siem Reap.
Immediately, I was devastated. Some of the girls that I have celebrated the last three major holidays with, taken trips to the farmer’s market with, danced under the stars with, I will now not see for three months?! The boys that I carried bricks up hills with, ate one too many empanadas with, and laughed ALOT with, will now be three hours away for the rest of the race?!
“God, I don’t understand? How could you do this to me? The race has definitely not been easy, but having a great community has made it so much easier. How could you take this away from me? This is the healthiest community I’ve ever had and I thought I had three more months to invest in these people. I feel like the rug was ripped from under me. I feel so sad and I’m having a hard time changing my perspective with this one. How can I trust you?”
These were the questions/statements I found myself bringing to God after finding out about the split. A couple days after finding this out I still could not seem to shift my perspective of Cambodia. I was crying randomly throughout the day and I couldn’t pin point what exactly I was feeling. I still couldn’t get excited for this final season of the race even though it’s not exactly what I had expected it to be. To be completely honest I’m still not totally there. I can recognize the sorrow and disappointment, but I cannot stay there.
As followers of Jesus we’re called to worship and praise God even when we’re sitting in the agony. Even when we don’t understand. Even when we don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. As followers of Jesus we must trust that the plan God has for us is so much better than the best one we could dream up. My emotions are valid but I can not let them rob all that God has for me. My emotions are valid, but I will press into God even more during this time because only He knows exactly what I am feeling. I rest in these truths.
I know God has huge things in store for my team and team Hope in Cambodia. I believe it will be a time of healing, revelation and transition into the next season of my life. I can not wait to spend the next three months with the ten other girls I will be living/doing ministry with.
My perspective is changing. Although I still have no idea what Cambodia will look like and it is completely different than I imagined it would look, I know who my God is. He is faithful. Wherever He takes my team and I, fruit and growth will follow. Sometimes God has a different plan for us than we do for ourselves and sometimes choosing His plan hurts really badly, but we can always rest in the expectancy of growth and learning.
“Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing-if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law or because you believe what you heard?” Galatians 3 2-5
This blog is reallll vulnerable because I want to invite my community at home into this with me. I want to let you into the emotions that I am feeling about leaving Guatemala and the rest of the squad + as we prepare our hearts for our last country. As my team and team Hope enter this new and different season please pray for peace and growth. Pray for faith that is so bold that we don’t have to see what or where the next step is. Thank you so much for partnering with me on this journey in any way, shape, or form. I could never thank all of you enough for being such an amazing support system to me! “May God be gracious to you, make His face shine upon you and give you peace.” Psalm 67:1
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