“Everybody’s got a story and it’s not the one they’re telling”… woah. As I read this title for chapter three for Scary Close by Donald Miller I couldn’t continue onto the chapter. Immediately I knew that I had to write this blog about my story and not the one I’ve been telling.
The story that I’ve been telling is one of confidence, around the clock happiness – free from anxiety and pressure to be perfect, one that paints me as a person that doesn’t have to try to be an all around balanced individual that is well liked and successful, and has everything planned out.
The real story that I haven’t told is one of frustrations, struggles with health: mentally and physically, one where excuses come more often than enthusiasm, and pressure to people please and “have it all together” is a heavy burden that I continually struggle to give to the Lord.
Throughout this year I have found out more about myself and who I want to be than any other year in my life. I have seen the beauty of God’s rest and peace as you settle into who He has created you to be and who He says you are. I have come to understand myself better and learn to fight more and more for less and less of “me”.
Before the race I wanted to make everyone around me happy. I wanted to be loved by everyone and to gain the approval and pride of those around me. This was all rooted in a deep lies from the enemy about my value and worth as a person. I thought that working so hard to win the affection of others would keep them in my life and give me satisfaction and worth. But it was all temporary. Impressing people took more energy out of me than I realized and I started to struggle with depression and later anxiety. I couldn’t keep up with the pace I had set without breaking mentally in these ways. Instead of turning to God, I turned to myself and started doing the same things but under the name of “bettering myself”. I thought that by not being in hurtful relationships and “focusing on me” was bettering myself. I focused on my academics and work but both were fueled by self seeking desires. But God continually pursued me and instances of good came from my self centered ways.
But thankfully that’s not where my story ends and it doesn’t continue on in that path. Progress has been hard. Changing who you are from the foundation isn’t easy, but if you allow it, God helps you carry the burdens along the way. My story now is one of redemption and restoration. It’s one with similar struggles physically and mentally. But what my story no longer includes is self seeking behavior and the approval of others for my value and worth. God has changed the foundation upon which I’ve built my life: my worth comes from Him, who I am is because of Him, the love I’ve always wanted… yep all Him. My foundation is no longer this cracked, broken, pieced together thing that I just accepted was the beginning of my story and build something great from there. Upon that foundation comes anxieties and desires to people please, to strive for perfection, and dismantling “lows” when you can’t meet the impossible goals you’re striving for. No matter what I did, why I was doing it, and what “good” I was doing it for, no matter how beautiful the building of my life looked it was built on a crumbling foundation and it would never hold up.
This year of the World Race started with a new foundation set on God’s love and truth. Who I am is built on this solid foundation and what I do is done for His kingdom and glory. The struggles in my life still come and trials are still there. BUT I am anchored in the truth of the Gospel and I know a love far greater than anything I can comprehend, one that carries my troubles and walks through the trials with me. My life is full of love and happiness, SO MUCH JOY, confidence, freedom, trials and struggles, health, laughter and hard times (to name a few things). A lot of these things are similar to what I described as the story I’ve been telling and not the whole story, but instead of chasing these things I have truly found them chasing God and His heart. My story isn’t a made up fairytale that looks good on social media, it’s a story of struggle and striving met with redemption and turned into a (not perfect) life of freedom, joy, and great growth with all of the highs and lows. This year has truly changed me from the inside out. I am so grateful my story didn’t end with me but with God and outpouring His love to others from the love that He pours into me.
