sooo the Lord really put in on my heart lately to write a very honest blog. I feel like I haven’t be totally authentic in a lot of my blogs. so here’s me attempting to step out in vulnerability! woohoo!
looking back at the past year, the Lord truly revealed to me just how gracefully He can transform brokenness to beauty.
I started out 2018 with a positive outlook and high expectations on how smoothly it would go( check out my blog from last New Years to see just how high those expectations were). I had faith that I would grow, however I didn’t expect that growth to come from reaching maybe one of the lowest points of my life. This year I came to understand the power of my flesh, and just how sneaky and skillful the devil can be in creating distance between us and our Father. i began last year probably in the same way I have begun every year for the past 18 years of my life; making resolutions that I would give up on after a week, and believing that simply because of a shift in time, I would become a completely new, clean person. A “clean slate” mindset, I suppose. I began the year pursuing the Lord and seeking a deeper relationship with Him. I loved my friends and I had great mentors and role models, but I seemed to make the mistake of putting all my faith in them rather than the Jesus they were aiming to point me towards. obviously, this did not lead me to the deeper relationship I wanted. However, I still wanted to look like that relationship was real, without really doing anything to pursue it. I did all the things every Christian does, minus the believing it and meaning it part. I had officially created a mask, one that fit me very well. My mask looked a lot like who I wanted to be, but on the inside I knew it was all an illusion.
As you can probably assume, I quickly failed to live up to the unattainable expectations I had put on myself for 2018.
As the year progressed, I found myself failing more often than I ever had in my life. This was completely opposite of what I desired, so I was confused and disappointed. I had no idea where I was going wrong, and why I was continuously falling into the trap of my flesh. I was already committed to the race, so I felt that I should be some sort of spiritual warrior by the time July came around. I believe the pressure of this expectation I put on myself lead to me completely running away from the Lord, rather than bringing all that I wasn’t before Him. I began to feel unworthy to come into the presence of Him, failing to realize I always was. This feeling of unworthiness before the Lord trickled into the rest of my life and relationships. I became consumed with shame in my inadequacy in every aspect of my life. This shame was so heavy that I decided to numb it in any way that I could. I sought out relationships that made me feel important and accepted and wanted, rather than ones that challenged me and pointed me to the Lord. I desperately tried to fit into the mold of a “regular fun teen”, doing everything the world told me I needed to do to fit that. After the false sense of fun and wholeness wore off, I was left with nothing. I had become a shell of a person, forgetting who I was, lost in who I was trying to be. The person I wanted to be at the beginning of the year and the person I had become were complete opposites, and I did everything I could to shove the knowledge of that away.
I seemed to be letting everyone I loved down, turning to blaming them rather than dealing with my own brokenness.
The relationships I was seeking only left me feeling emptier than before.
The “fun teen life” wasn’t actually fun at all, and made me hate myself in a way I never had before.
The hole inside my heart was growing at an insanely rapid rate, and I couldn’t keep up.
I was dead inside, attempting give off the impression that I was completely fine.
Could there have a been a more perfect time for the Lord the wreck my heart?
After months of chasing “fun” and purpose and failing to fulfill my New Years resolutions, I remembered the race. I had training camp in July. As it quickly approached, I began realizing what I’d become. I knew I needed to change, and I really wanted to, but I wasn’t willing to give up the things I had found on my search for life just yet. I held on until the very last minute. I remember arriving at training camp and feeling so unworthy. I knew I couldn’t hide myself from these people, they’d all see right through me. I wanted to be honest with them, and myself. I felt so weak. I didn’t want the mask anymore, I didn’t want the lie or the New Years resolutions. I just wanted to feel, to know the peace I’d known in the past.
I finally decided to sit and listen, without making excuses and without running away. I was so `tired, exhausted from all the pretending. I had a desperate desire to feel alive after months of just wanting to be numb.
Day 1 one of training camp, I decided to open myself up. I decided to let down my walls. I decided to let myself be hungry for Him.
And He freaking fed me.
I remember walking into the first night of worship, sitting down, praying, and being absolutely flooded with the emotions I had been hiding from for what felt like years. For the first time in months, I felt alive. I felt love. I felt full. It took minutes for the Lord to remind of the love I had forgotten. He reminded me of how He has never left me, he has always been pursuing me. He has been so desperate to be near me. His heart broke at the sight of my lifelessness, and He’s been trying to reach me this whole time to fill me once again with the hope and life I was searching for in all the wrong places. He doesn’t care about all the garbage I got caught up in, He just wants my heart.
This moment was it. What I’d been searching for this whole time. This was the love I desired. The true wholeness I wanted so badly was finally found as I fell into the arms of my Father. I was so broken before the Lord, so full of awe at His grace. From that night forward, I swore I’d never leave His side again. Forget New Years resolutions, there is absolutely nothing I can do in my own human power to fill myself the way He fills me. There is nothing on this planet that will ever provide me with the fullness I have found in my Father. For that, I will praise Him endlessly. I will never again censor myself or try to fake some faith that’s not mine. My God doesn’t want a perfect vessel, He just wants a willing one. For me, figuring this out meant reaching the end of myself.
So as I enter 2019 with a new heart, I now know how meaningless new years resolutions are. They’re always going to fail me. But my Father never will.
