For those of you who know me, like really know me, you know that being left behind, forgotten, abandoned is one of my biggest fears. You know that when I was 14 I felt like God had completely abandoned me and didn’t love me at all. And you know that I had my heart broken for the first time (refer to my immigration story blog if confused).
For 5 years I let the lies of being abandoned and unloved become my reality. I let it define who I was and hinder my relationships with others. I built up so many walls. I was unkind and unloving to so many people I care about because I just didn’t believe I was loved and I was terrified of people walking out on me. The power in the relationship lies with the person who cares less…. right?
Right. B U T you will never experience sweet, life-giving relationships and community with that mindset.
At 19 the Lord came barreling into my life with an overflowing amount of grace. He showed me that His people were meant to be loved and meant to be cared for. God showed me that I should strive to care for and love others as much as I can despite the way they treat me because He loves me unconditionally despite the fact that I choose sin instead of Him daily.
At 19, God changed my heart for people. He gave me a desire to love others well and He occasionally broke down a few walls so that I’d let others love me. However, I often still let the lies of people leaving me behind creep in. I still had a lot of fear.
Throughout college I had 3 of the 4 people that I bravely let into my life and let see me and all my mess leave. They were still my friends but God was calling them elsewhere and I was super proud of them but it hurt every time. Every time I felt the enemy say “God doesn’t love you enough to keep them here.” And every time I believed it. Every time I felt like I was being abandoned all over again. And the fear of being left behind, forgotten, abandoned continued to define my life. It made me continuously keep people at arms length. I defined myself as someone with trust issues. No one can get close enough because if I let them in I will be hurt and I was truly not about it. For me it seemed better for no one to really know me and not be hurt then let myself be known with a chance of being hurt and feel the abundant life God gives in community.
So let’s talk about a girl with a fear of being forgotten leaving for a year to go on the World Race….
I was stoked about the race until like a month after I applied and I was like shit what am I doing. I’m leaving behind everything and everyone I know to traipse around the world with strangers. W H A T ? Then not long after i got a text from one of my people saying “hey, I hope you know that if you weren’t going to be on the world race that you would be a bridesmaid in my wedding.” (Just assurance we are best friends you know). But instead of feeling assured that I’m loved by her, it took my fear even further to the point I wanted to back out. (So thankful for friends who remind me of why I chose the world race). Honestly, since then I’ve been terrified to leave. I’ve been terrified of all the things I will be missing out on, of all the things I’m leaving behind. I’ve been terrified of things not being the same when I get back.
I’ve been terrified of being forgotten.
I’m missing 3 potentially 4 weddings of people that I’m very close to. I’m missing my best friends wedding party. I’ve told my best friends about 700 times not to replace me while I’m gone…. clearly I have problems and they obviously find me annoying. Hahaha
Coming into training camp my squad was all so excited and they were so ready to launch in October. I, however was not. Still had all the fears. Still not sure if I was about it.
BUT THE LORD STEPPED IN.
Day 3 of training camp: we were worshipping one night and I just stopped singing. As I was listening to the words tears began to roll down my face (which also for people who know me know I NEVER cry). And I could hear the Lords loud yet quiet voice say, “Be free. Stop carrying this crushing weight of being left behind or forgotten because you are known and I will never leave you. I love you.”
And guys the Lord freed me from fearing being forgotten but He didn’t stop there… He continued to show me just how known I am by Him.
So I fear being abandoned right?! Well my deepest desire is to have friends who truly know me, which is far and few between because I have so many walls. BUT GUYS GOD GAVE ME THESE PEOPLE ON MY SQUAD/LEADERSHIP TEAM. He gave me people to know me more in 10 days than it takes most people to know me ever. He broke down my walls and didn’t give me time to put them back up. He knows what I desire most and without me having to ask (which I probably wouldn’t have because I love feeling known but I’m also terrified of it) He gave it to me because GOD KNOWS ME THROUGH AND THROUGH.
So on that note meet two of my new people…
Let me introduce you to Hannah Greene. She is completely fearless when seeking the Lord. She follows after our Fathers heart so boldly. She became one of my favorite humans in the first 4 days of training camp. God said let me free you but also let me give you Hannah to remind you of why community is so sweet. She seeks to truly know me and doesn’t let my hesitations stop her from digging and asking the hard things.
PS ignore the fact that we look like we have slept in a tent for 10 days because we have.
Also let me introduce you to Aimée. SHE IS OUR SQUAD ADMINISTRATOR AND IM STOKED ABOUT IT. I literally told her that I was terrified of being her friend because I already feel so close to her. You know, just me trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to trust people and let them in. She does what only a handful of people in my life have done and that’s somehow create a place that just feels safe. I feel heard when I’m with her and she loves me with so much grace.
Guys it’s honestly crazy how the thing we fear and what we desire most can be the same thing. But God can free you from that fear and give you the desire in ways you never would have expected it. I sure never would have seen this coming. But thank you Jesus for knowing me and loving me so so intentionally. Thank you for freeing me. IM SO EXCITED TO LAUNCH IN OCTOBER and I’m even a little excited to really get to know other people on my squad and let them know me (I never thought I’d say that). God does incredible things guys.
Fun facts:
1. I’m on O squad and our squad decided to be named Ohana (which I honestly made no input on)….. majority of the people know my obsession with LILO and Stitch. I’m literally bringing my stitch pillow pet around the world with me. And I randomly quote the Ohana line from the movie (my friends hate it). “Ohana means family and family means nobody gets LEFT BEHIND OR FORGOTTEN!!” I mean, what?! How cool is our God. W O W. This is my squad for a reason and I’m so stoked.
My Squad; My humans for the next year!
2. I’m writing this at 5 am because I woke up 2 hours ago and couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind decided it wanted to do all the processing.
