I think planning is super natural. We all have ideas and plans in our head for what our life will look like, even if they are super abstract.
I am not a big planner. Until recently, I didn’t have plans for after the race, only a few dozen vague ideas that sounded like great next steps or fun new adventures. This or that job, this or that degree, an apartment with friends, an internship, or maybe even ministry abroad part II. Everything sounded exciting and fun and I could see God working in all of these potential paths.
Thinking about all of these different choices excited me, but I hesitated to commit to one, because it meant saying no to all of the others. In this season, someone very wise told me that our walk with the Lord often starts by feeling like we’re on a very narrow path, walking forward as He guides us in His will, learning what it means to desire the Lord and to walk in His ways. The longer we walk this path, spending time with God, and the more we pursue Him, the less narrow the path begins to feel because we begin to choose to delight in the ways of the Lord. Where at first we were walking a narrow path out of our sinfulness and destruction, now we begin to walk in God’s will more naturally thanks to the Holy Spirit, and then there comes a time when that once narrow path opens up to a valley that is all in God’s will. The valley can be full of many things, decisions or choices that will shape and change our lives going forward, but all of them are good and bring glory to the Father. He has placed desires and passions in our heart that He allows us to pursue for His glory and it’s awesome! We don’t have to worry about picking one opportunity over the other thinking ‘is this what God wants for me?’ Because wow! Whatever we choose in the valley, He will be glorified! Now, there are definitely choices and paths that we might be tempted to choose, that are not in God’s will and wouldn’t bring glory to His name, I’m not talking about those. I believe that sometimes God gives us clear answers for choosing between two good things, and sometimes, I believe that He leaves it up to us, because He loves us and He wants us to have a say in our own lives.
Now if you don’t believe in free-will, this analogy isn’t for you, and that’s ok! Bygones will be bygones, but the point of all this is: right now I find myself in a valley full of many good and wonderful things that glorify the Lord, excite the passions and desires that He has placed in my heart, and spur me on to continue to seek the Lord, and it’s exciting.
To walk and live in the valley, considering the future, and feeling a peace about so many different opportunities was amazing and a gift that allowed me to stay present during my time on the Race. I didn’t have to worry about the future, because whichever way the cookie crumbled, it was all going to work out just fine.
During one of our debriefs, my squad got together for a morning devotional and one of my squad mates lead the group in a meditative prayer where we ‘dreamed with God’ about our futures.
That looked different for everyone but the goal was to ask for a ‘sneak peak’ of the future was going to look like for each of us. (This might sound silly or crazy, but let me just say that I have seen the Lord show up this year through visions, dreams, prayers, scriptures, and spiritual gifts and every time it has started with me or my teammates or my squad making room to stop and listen to what the Lord is trying to say, and this time was no different.)
During that time the Lord pressed two things on my heart:
- He showed me an apartment. A place where I make pancakes (I don’t know why that’s what I felt super strongly about but hey, who doesn’t love pancakes right?), and held small groups, and had an extra mattress for anyone who needed it. It felt like home, and it was a place of community where people could gather. (Ok, honestly it sounds a lot like everyone’s idea of what their first place of their own is going to be like, but that was it. That’s the beautiful future that excites my heart: community and a home.)
- I’m not supposed done with this season of life yet. The season of living in abandon and of seeking the Lord without distractions. God showed me that my time living as a full-time disciple wasn’t over. This too excites my heart and is definitely confirmation of what I had been feeling for a few months. (I mean, I feel like I’ve grown so exponentially in the last 10 months, yet there is so much more. Part of me worried for a while that if I just went back home after the Race that it would be all to easy for me to just slip right back to the person I was before I left, and in that way, home became a little scary to me.)
So like- those things sound contradictory, because they are… but they aren’t. Right away I knew one was for the now, after the Race, and one was for later, when this season of my life ends.
So I know by now you are all waiting for me to just come out and say what’s next. Some of you probably skipped some bits because I can get super wordy sometimes (my b y’all), so here it is:
In January of 2020 I will be leaving (again), but this time with a program called World Race America. I will be traveling IN the states for 11 months with other alumni Racers with the purpose of encouraging the body of believers in America to live out our mission here at home.
Yes, you read that right. Another 11 months.
The cool thing about God is that He began to place this on my heart months and months before I ever got to see my ‘sneak peak’, and even after my ‘sneak peak’, He confirmed this decision and this specific program again and again. (If you remember the Bible story of Gideon and the the Ram’s skin, then you can imagine how my conversations with God looked for a little while.)
But all of that still didn’t necessarily make the idea of being gone again for so long feel any easier. If I’m being honest no matter how many beautiful places I go, nothing compares to home. I’m not home sick, I have a confidence that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but I realize more and more just how much I truly love where I live, and I can’t wait to live there again. (I always thought that when I left for the Race I would either feel free to go and live wherever I wanted and kinda ‘break free’ from what I’ve always known, or I’d realize just how much I’d want to stay- and I know the answer the that now.)
I thought about my little people that I love. My group of 20 some, now 7th grade girls, who I miss with my whole heart.
I thought about my sweet friends who have stood by me through so much and were the answers to my prayers for community.
I though if my family, and guys, I thought about my cats- a lot (like probably more that I should have…)
How could I stay away from so many good things for another whole year? God showed me that there are good things for me at home, why should I put those things off any longer?
I worried that my absence would make me forgettable, and that the connections that I have with people would start to fade. I worried that people wouldn’t support this next step because I’d already had my ‘big discipleship adventure’ and that people would just view me as putting off growing up for another year or that people wouldn’t feel connected to me or care the second time around, you know, “out of sight, out of mind.” Mostly, I worried and thought about all of the things I love and would have to continue to be apart from, or the opportunities that I would miss out on simply because I’m gone.
Guys, the devil doesn’t come wearing red with horns and a pitch fork, he comes innocently, dressed in sheep’s clothes, and sounds pretty logical. Yeah, my relationships will be probably strained because I’ll be gone for so long and people are going to be in different places in life when I return home and that’s going to make things hard. Yes, I’ll miss out on some big events in peoples lives and it’s going to suck. Yes, people might not understand this decision, or question my motives. Yes, my cats might forget me… (what a horrible thought) BUT what is all of that compared with deeper intimacy with my Father? It’s incomparable, because without a relationship with the Lord, everything else is meaningless.
My absence or presence isn’t going to be benefit for anyone if it’s outside of the Lord’s will. My relationship with those around me are never going to be what they should if I am in direct disobedience to God’s will for my life right now. I can’t be the friend I should, the neighbor I should, the small group leader I should, without God. That’s what I have to seek first.
Being scared to trust the Lord with my relationships just goes to show how much more growing and trusting I have to do.
You might be wondering why I blabbed on about being in a valley if this story ended up looking more like a narrow path, but I’ve got news for you my friend: this all takes place in the valley.
Psalms 37 says ‘Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.’ The more time I’ve spent with the Lord, the more my desires line up with His. Sure, not always, I’m human, but the Lord has been placing a joy for Himself and for His word in me that causes my desires to become more about seeking Him, and less about seeking others.
That’s what this season is: Seeking the Lord, seeking His heart, and walking out the new identity that He is giving me.
The apartment is still in His will. If that’s what I chose I believe that good things would come out of it. I don’t think I would ‘fall away’ or anything drastic like that, but dang, I would be holding something back from the Lord, even as I walk with Him.
I would be choosing something good, over something better.
I want to learn what it means to trust Jesus with my everything. I don’t want my life to be marked by me giving God my ‘almost everything’ because it’s good enough, I want Him to have it all. Sometimes in our valleys, some choices are better than others, but I still think that God gives us the freedom to choose for ourselves (even if He already knows what we’re going to pick.)
Right now I am excited and expectant and hopeful. I still have 1 more months left on this Race, and I intend on being present in these moments and soaking up all of the goodness of the Lord while I’m here. I will be home for about a 6 month period before I leave again in January, and that will be a journey with it’s own challenges and beautiful experiences, but I’ll face those when I get there.
If you’re reading this I want to thank you for being a part of the community that has loved me and supported me through the ups and downs of this journey so far. Right now I have a need for prayer. If you think of me please be praying for the following:
- That I continue to be present in each country that I visit.
- For humility.
- Over my finances, as I will have to start fundraising again.
- For the faith that it will require to trust the Lord with another year of my life spent living out of a backpack.
If you have questions, I want to hear them. If you’re interested in learning more about what World Race America is, you can check out their website: adventures.org/worldraceamerica.
Much love,
Morgan
That’s where this blog should have ended, but there is still one more thing that I have to tell you guys. It’s a new development actually, which is why it is ending up as a footnote to this blog, instead of being included in it.
This September I will be leaving for 3 months to lead a trip to Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama. While on this trip I will be focusing and ministering to the team of people that I help lead, but I will also be able to partner with a Deaf ministry that uses American Sign Language.
This is an opportunity for me to live out this season of ‘going’ with abandon. I am excited for this new journey that the Lord is taking me on, but I do realize that it significantly limits the time that I will have in Jacksonville before leaving again. That being said, my only job while I am home, is to be home.
I love all of y’all and I would not be able to take these steps of faith without such a supportive community at home. I really do covet your prayers during this time.
Much Love (part 2),
Morgan
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