6 months into the race…Only 3 more to go…I can do this.
Right before I left for Ecuador in September, I had a video call with my two coaches Cathy & Brian. At the end of our call, they prayed over me and the Lord gave Cathy a vision for me: when I step onto the land in Ecuador the ground would start shaking. There would be an anointing in my presence there and I would have authority because of my roots in the land. I would have boldness like a lion.
I wasn’t really sure what that would look like, but I did know that I had high expectations for what my time in Ecuador would be like. Though I loved my time in Ecuador, it was also the beginning of some of the hardest few months. Prior to the world race I had woken up anxious before and occasionally I’d have a panic attack, but once I left in September my emotions were heightened. It was a panic attack every other week. Instead of spending time getting to know the people I was living with I chose to lay in my bed a lot of the time either to watch Netflix, sleep, or at least pretend to.
Wasn’t I supposed to be bold – stepping out of my comfort zone even if it scared me? Wasn’t I supposed to be courageous – allowing others to know me fully even though I could’ve been rejected? Wasn’t I supposed to be confident – in who I was? Instead I hid. Instead I was crippled by my fears, running away from problems the Lord so wanted me to face.
On NYE I made a declaration for the new year : “I will have courage and walk in confidence in who the Lord created me to be. I will choose to do hard things even if it scares me. I will not let fear control me anymore.” This was hard for me to even get up and say in front my squad, but hey I said I was going to do things that scared me right?
Looking back over the last six months, I realize that the Lord was preparing me to be able to choose hard things and then follow through in doing them.
It was funny because in Peru I thought I was thriving, and maybe for a bit I was, but towards the end of it anxiety got real bad. When we first arrived in Guatemala, one of the base leaders talked about us walking through the fire to get refined. He reminded us that God is in the fire with us. At that moment I had a feeling the next three months spent there would be a challenge, but I wasn’t sure at the time in what way.
Those first few weeks were rough. It was almost a panic attack once a day. I’d wake up with a racing heart and my stomach would churn for hours. It felt like I was in a bonfire and gasoline had just been thrown on me. My fears and worries felt huuuuge.
It’s kind of ironic because the word that was given to me on a key at Launch in September was 2 Timothy 1:7,
“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control”.
So the Gospel was telling me one thing, yet I’d been living believing another.
I kept running to God in those moments of anxiety. Sometimes that looked like going to the bathroom multiple times during ministry or group outings to cry aloud to the Lord for peace and strength. Other times it was looking into scripture and declaring truth over myself even if it was hard for me to believe.
One day in February I had a chat with my squad leader Aly and she reminded me that I have control over how I react to those emotions. The next day I remember waking up with that same racing heart, feeling a weight in my chest. I skipped breakfast debating on whether or not I should stay home from ministry and then remembered that I control how I react; so instead I walked around the field at the base, praying and praising the Lord. This wasn’t a cure-all, but it gave me the strength I needed to begin the day. During lunch that day I spent some time with God and looked for scripture regarding peace and the mind because it was the one thing I yearned for and the place where war was waging. I came across a few verses, but the following two are what impacted me the most:
“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:6
“You however are not in the flesh but in the spirit, if in fact the spirit of God dwells in you.” Romans 8:9
These words became my fighting weapon. I repeated them every day, any moment I felt anxious to remind myself who created me and the authority I have because of it. Two weeks later I was sitting on the kitchen floor at midnight reflecting on my time in Guatemala. That’s when I realized that this battle has literally already been won for me!! What I thought would be a lifelong battle with anxiety, turned into me becoming more equipped to handle myself when I feel anxious now. I am beginning to truly believe and understand the authority I have through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me.
I have not completely overcome anxiety yet, but that doesn’t mean I won’t because the Lord is by my side regardless and He will deliver me when I call on Him. I learned that I get to make a choice when I feel anxious; I can:
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choose to allow my emotions to take reign over my mind and body and shut down, allowing my quick-beating heart to control me
OR
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choose to live in the spirit, with peace living in my heart even if I can’t physically feel it in the moment.
So the past 6 months I’ve walked through all sorts of fires, small ones, big ones that feel like you can’t see or breathe in, yet here I still stand.
Refined & made new once again.
Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and for staying updated on this journey with me. I appreciate you.
Here’s some encouragement that my good friend Alyssa Mgrail wrote me in a note in December that I now want to give to you because maybe you need to hear it too: choose hard things. you can do hard things.
I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself quite yet.
All my love,
Melissa
P.S. if you’re going through some hard things and need encouragement or just someone to listen – I’m here. Email me ([email protected]) or message me on insta (melissaaleman).
