We’ve made the joke out here that since AIM trusts these hosts, so we trust them. And then they may pass us off to someone else and we now trust them, and they could pass us off to someone else, and it’s a lot of borrowed trust that we just hand over so freely. Honestly it’s really funny.
Why don’t we treat God the same way? Why is it sometimes trust is harder to hand over?
If you don’t think you fit into this category, great. I’m happy for you and also glad you stopped by, please hit subscribe on your way out. (Or please stay and keep reading!)
But what if you’ve grown up your whole life thinking that you have fully surrendered all trust to God and come to find out that there is a lot of things in your life that you really don’t trust God with? Or you have said, “Yes Lord, I lay these things down at your feet and I trust you completely.” But as you begin to go about your day, you look back and pick some stuff back up because you think they’re safer in your hands?
Yeah that’s me. Nice to meet you.
I wish it was as graceful as I would like all of the lessons I learn in my life to come. This one really came out of the blue. At the beginning of month 2, in our hostel in Brasov my team and I were going over different ministries we could do for month 3, Bulgaria. Half of my team was sold on going to Albania, and the other wanted to stay in Sofia. The thought of going to Albania did not sit well with me. I felt sick and I became fearful of it. I really wish I could tell you why but I couldn’t. I still don’t have the answer.
I told my team how I felt and we went about our day. I wrestled hard with the decision that was just made. We put Albania and Smile Bulgaria at the top of the list, and I prayed we wouldn’t get Albania.
I took some time to be alone with the Lord because I couldn’t organize my thoughts or feelings. As I prayed I started reflecting on why I came on the Race. I was supposed to be willing to do the hard things, and be uncomfortable. But why was I feeling like this? Fight or Flight was enacted.
It took some convincing from another squadmate that if God wanted me in Albania than He would have something amazing planned for me. That even if I felt like this is something that I wasn’t made for, that He would still protect me and I would be used for His glory. I felt more peace about the decision, but I still couldn’t shake whatever I was feeling. It was a mix of uneasiness and upset, and something that is only felt not explained.
So fast forward to squad session that night, before we started I was just sitting and thinking about the day, and I told God, “I don’t get this, I trust You.” And very clearly He replied, “Actually there’s a lot you DON’T trust Me with.” And then the wheels started turning and God dug deep into my heart and pulled up so many things that I was holding onto so tight. Things I claimed I gave over to the Lord. It was like, unknown hypocrisy.
And then our mentor asked us to openly share anything we want the whole squad to know about ourselves. Anything we were struggling with. It was an intense chance to be vulnerable. Even before my chance to speak I was fighting back tears. God just hit me with some hard truth 2 minutes earlier. My heart was pounding so obviously that means it’s my time to share, and I sobbed and choked my way through it, telling my squad and leadership in how I’ve lived in fear and how I wasn’t trusting God how I thought I was and now I didn’t even know what trust looked like, since I thought I was doing it for so long.
I left that night with my eyes and throat burning, but with an amazing weight lifted off of me. I spent a lot of time figuring out what trusting God really means, and how to cultivate that into my daily life. I learned that I have a lot of fear that needs to be laid down daily.
I trusted God on our ministry for month 3, and that felt like just holding onto Him as He laid out this chapter. Very much expecting to get Albania, I was super shocked to receive Mission Possible, Bulgaria.(Also, thanks again God for this!)
From trusting that He would give us the perfect ministry for us in month 3, He gave our team exactly what we needed.
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Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Psalm 9:10 Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.
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So many places in scripture besides these mentions trust. The Lord knows it’s something we struggle with, and He’s there to guide us though it all. When it seems like there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel,when you don’t know how things could get better, or when it looks like God isn’t doing anything. He’s there. He knows. I don’t have the whole thing figured out, this is still a new experience in our relationship.
It’s easy to slip back into the belief that “I know what’s best for me” instead of buckling up because the ride is getting wild.
With the most love,
Meggo
