*If you’re unsure what to do/feel unsure about someone-you-know/my return, please read for helpful insight. I’ve highlighted the major stuff*
As of today we have 1 full week of ministry in Swaziland, 1 week of debrief in South Africa, and a few days of travel to the States remaining on this 9-month journey.
Absolutely insane.
Time has always been a weird concept on the race, as days feel months long and months pass in the blink of an eye. In Guatemala it felt like we might live there forever, and Myanmar was over before it began. And somehow, amidst the past year of craziness, it’s almost over.
Only in the past month has “going home” felt like a tangible reality. It’s weird and hard to grasp.
Many people have asked me, “how do you feel about going home?”, and to be fairly honest, I’ve felt the full range of emotions. I feel simultaneously: scared, excited, anxious, ready, anticipating, dreading, mourning, questioning, angry, peaceful, AGH!
Some elaboration . . .
I am excited to be home. I’m ready to drink ice water, flush toilet paper, drive a car, not have to convert every purchase, hug my brothers and sisters, work at camp, eat salad, sit on couches, be with my people, use a lamp, and not worry about bed bugs/lice/snakes/typhoid/poisonous water. I’m ready for some physical comfort.
But . . .
I’ve lived life the previous 9 months with the greatest community I’ve ever known.
My squad mates are my brothers and sisters; we know and love each other deeply. It’s hard to express how much difficulty and joy we’ve experienced together, but long story short- we’re all gonna go through a period of grieving the richness of living together.
It will be extremely odd for me to sleep in a room alone (18 girls in one room will do it) let alone not be surrounded (physically and emotionally) by 45 of my now-family.
It is normal for my team to call me out when I mess up, selflessness and giving grace is a major part of everyday life, and my squad is chasing the Lord at the same speed I am.
This is not to discredit anyone at home or to say we don’t stumble (we’re still human), but to show that community here is different and I will need time to adjust.
I have been praying for patience, humility and grace for myself and others upon my return, but know we will all mess up.
And still, it will be covered in grace.
So, when I need time alone, time with people, or possibly cry when I see something that reminds me of my team, please give me the space to be sad for a couple weeks.
And. . .
American culture is a foreign concept to me.
I have lived in several cultures where life is sloooow, people want to talk to you and look you in the eye, and building relationships (as opposed to running on a schedule) is the main goal.
People at the grocery store are not simply employees; we have conversations because they are human.
We have lived on a less-than-5-dollar-a-day food budget -which isn’t to say we live in poverty- but excess and materialism are not part of our lifestyle.
It will most likely be overwhelming for me to adjust to the fast-paced and materialistic culture of America.
So, when I get overwhelmed at the grocery store, upset at church because the congregation seems to not care, or want to stop and have a conversation with someone, please know I’m trying my best to integrate the many worlds I know.
And. . .
The most common question I receive on the field from friends at home is, “how is your trip?”
While this is a nice question, it is almost impossible to answer.
This doesn’t feel like a trip to me; it’s simply my life now.
Yes, I happen to live in a foreign country, but the things I do are so normal to me (read my teammate Lauren’s blog about things we do when we’re bored to get an idea: laurenstecker.theworldrace.org)
Imagine trying to answer how your last 9 months of life have been in a few words. It would probably be pretty difficult.
So, to aid you in asking questions, I wrote a blog with tons of specific questions to guide conversation and help you have a better idea of what to ask about: https://marygracecurran.theworldrace.org/post/dont-ask-me-that
You can also read previous blogs and look at my Instagram ( instagram.com/marygracecurran ) or VSCO (marygracecurran.vsco.co) for photos!
And:
Life didn’t stop for you when I left.
I missed out on weddings, funerals, sports games, births, celebrations, school, ALL the things. I want to hear about everything you did, and I’m just as interested to know how you grew, how you changed, and what crazy stories you have to tell. Don’t discredit or dumb down your past year simply because you were living in the United States. I want to hear it all!! Let’s meet for coffee or lunch and celebrate all God has done!
One Last Thing:
I have experienced a great amount of growth and change within myself these past months, but not in the ways you might imagine.
A racer named Emmy Joy Shepherd on Gap U summarized how I feel very well:
“I think on this trip I was expecting radical change within myself. Not that I exactly wanted it, but I felt I had no choice and that it was inevitable. I thought I’d come out a different person entirely. With different convictions, different understandings, just different. I was expecting earth quaking miracles and life shattering spiritual awakening.
But I never knew the things that would shake me to my core would be miniscule. Moments and things so small that if I’m not paying attention I could miss them entirely. The things that have changed within myself are not monumental at all, but in the long run they make the biggest difference.
I’m not a different person, I still believe the same things, love the same things, laugh at the same things. But I’m a little softer. I’m a little wiser. I find a little more beauty in the world.
I have a bigger appreciation for mothers, pastors, missionaries, and just people all around. I stop to think before I speak. I try not to use words unless they’re life breathing. I stop forming opinions based on first impressions. I usually cry more when people cry, I don’t rush through my day. I stop and ask God what kind of say he wants me to have.
My perception of change has been shifted.
I no longer think change has to be a life altering experience.
I think change can occur in a single shift of a word, a change of infliction, a moment of listening over speaking. And if we let it in, one by one, that’s how you change the world.”
So with that all being said (props to you if you read all the way lol), know that I don’t really know what reentry into the states is going to look like.
I’m trusting the Lord will lead me through with grace and continue to pour out of me as I try to love others well where my feet are planted.
See ya in 2 weeks.
All for the glory of God
MG
[ Please message/email me if you have any questions/want to hear more elaboration on anything! ]
