I’ve been processing a lot of how in the world am I going to share nine whole months of life with the people who I go home too. Really dwelling on what I’ve learned & what I’ve done. In that, discovering this over-arching theme. Intimacy. Growing since training camp in massive ways (go check out my blog, “Almost To The Finish Line” to see more of that transformation from a different perspective!) but in the most massive way was how I talked, saw and exemplified Jesus.
Thinking about the highs of my past life. That high when I smashed a volleyball perfectly down, coming down and feeling that incredible rush of adrenaline. That high when I perfectly swooshed a basketball. That high when I held a baby and when he/she smiled up at me in my arms. That high when I sang that note perfectly. The actual high of being on drugs. That high of being drunk, young and free. That high when I got affirmation in guys. That was my life and I lived in the satisfaction of those highs and believing that was it. The highs of life, the things that made me happy. Then training them camp happened and I experienced a new high, a Holy Spirit highhhhhhhhhh. Woah.
Life-changing stuff guys.
These past nine months has been me taking off the reserved sign in my heart and allowing the Holy Spirit to reside in my soul. Finally choosing into the absolute high of the Holy Spirit. Growing up I was always told that highs end. Yes. If we focus on the actual emotions of a high. If we compare the Holy Spirit to a worldly high but the thing is the Holy Spirit isn’t from earth so, why would the high we receive be from earth too? Yes. God gifts us with rushes of the Holy Spirit and sometimes are so powerful we can’t stand and it’s ALL POWERFUL. It’s like fireworks in our chest and creates ZEAL in our hearts BUT intimacy with the Father is more than an emotion. Emotions come and go but the Holy Spirit is a constant.
The high is a never ending bucket, overflowing goodness. It’s a result of time. It’s being willing to wake up early to spend time with Jesus. It’s going to bed late to spend time with Jesus. It’s taking every opportunity you’re alone through your days to spend with Jesus. It’s creating a relationship and in that means quality time. I didn’t know my teammates at all month one but the more TIME we spent together the better we got to know each other. I had to choose into that time to create that relationship with each of them. It didn’t happen in three seconds, three days, three weeks or even three months. It takes time.
Cambodia I relied on my parents. Ethiopia I relied on Luis, my squad leader. Nicaragua I started a routine of spending my mornings in silence with God. In that, slowly stepping away from Luis and more towards God. Now, in Costa Rica I go to God above anyone and anything else. He is the one I rely on but it took time and was a learning transformation, switching from human to spirit.
I also want to add that that I have messed up since finding this truth. I constantly am challenged to go to God before anyone else and I haven’t, many times, it’s a daily choice. And that’s okay. Being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean we have all our ducks in a row, we are human, you are human. If you are reading this and have made a mistake recently I just want to take a moment and encourage you. That grace covers you too. Now, this is when it counts. How are you going to choose the next step after falling. Are you going to get up or keep falling? Because we fall. I fall constantly, that’s why it’s called a “process” because I am learning as I go. Trial and error. But each time we fall we have to get back up and keep going. That is called growth. To all of you and to myself, it’s time to get back up and continue going!
I’ve been listening to a podcast by Todd White on repeat, there is so much Holy Spirit in His talks that it takes me at least three times before I’ve truly captured every thought because he has INTIMACY with our Father. The Holy Spirit spits straight fire through him.
He talks about how we have become more hungry for impartation than intimacy. More hungry for someone to come before us and give us what they have then to go into our prayer closet or quiet times to be with our Father.
There is the truth that you can lay hands on people, impartation and spiritual gifts BUT understanding that gifts come FROM the Father of lights. Every good gifts come down from the Father of lights. Lights aren’t stars, YOU, ME, HER, HIM. WE are the lights of the world. God is the father of lights.
Todd talks about his own story with his mentor. Asking and seeking for more from his mentor but ultimately his mentor saying, “you learn from me, you gleen from me but if you don’t realize that God is your Father you will call me on the phone and when I don’t answer you’ll be an orphan on the other line, all the while you’ll be a son and not know it. Your dependency needs to be on God the Father because you’ve been ADOPTED BY THE FATHER. The spirit of adoption rests upon you and he is the one who is in you”.
Because so many people are looking for a mentor somebody that can be with one but Jesusis as close as the mention of his name – HE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU. He’ll never ever ever go away from you. He’s with you always. But you have to cultivate that relationship so that you can hear from him.
Something that I absolutely love that Todd talks about is, it’s one thing to know that God is pleased with you and it’s another thing for God to say, “I am so pleased with you”. To hear that straight from you dad. For Him to Father you. THAT IS BEYOND!
I was at Jaco this past weekend (the 12th of May) for my sabbath. Wading in the water talking to my Father and hearing him tell me he loves me!!! Wow there nothing that comes close to that feeling. I was having a moment and I needed his affirmation and his alone. There is something about being alone (don’t worry leadership, I wasn’t breaking covenant my teammates were on the beach too!) letting each wave splash you and looking up into the sky, into the water and appreciating the beauty of creation in front of you. The peacefulness and the ways He talked to me in that moment. Filling me with his presence and confirming me in every way possible. He truly is a perfect Father.
Something else he talks about is, mentors. How a good mentor will always see you coming and instead of giving you the answer will turn you running into direction of the Fathers arms. Because when the Father looks down at you and says, “I am pleased with you, I love you, I care for you, I fight for you”. There is absolutely NOTHING that compares to those moments.
I remember back in Nicaragua I got letters from my teammates parents during PVT week (thank you Pelican Family!!) and I was so touched by the effort my family put into making me loved. All my siblings and friends had either sent in emails or wrote in letters to love on me. It was so precious and I thank you all for doing that. But in those letters I realized something. I loved it, I appreciated it but it didn’t give me affirmation. For the first time in my life I didn’t see kind words as a way to feel good. The reason is because God’s affirmation is just so much better!
Todd’s mentor purposely didn’t sit there and pat him on the back, “oh oh wow, super great job”. Because if his mentor had done it that way it would have developed a habit within Todd to always be looking for the stroking of people to keep him okay. And if we look for the stroking of man to encourage you, to make you okay, all you have to do is pray for a couple of sick people to be healed and they’ll say, “wow you did a wonderful job!” It’s a slippery slope down a prideful tunnel. Relying on those people to comment on your good works instead of seeing it as the Fathers good works. Then, all the sudden you are doing the miraculous to gain appreciation and admiration from the people around us. And then you are only as good as your gift. That is not what God has for us.
Intimacy, relationship & truth has to saturateour souls so that we can be comfortable looking in the mirror and seeing Christ in ourselves. Knowing the God is pleased with you and that he loves you. It’s SO important!
Sonship helping us see the absolute truth of having an incredible father that will NEVER turn our back on us.
“My goal is for you to not just hear this from me but to hear from God”. The most important thing we can have is to have a relationship with the one who wrote the Bible.
Opening it up and letting God tell us who we are and not the world. What would our relationships with Christ look like if we spent the same amount of time letting God speak into who we are then we let the world speak to us through social media? I truly believe each of us would be changed, filled and would live a life without “goin through the motions”. God would speak truth and purpose into our lives. Creating true JOY! The only way we can stop letting the world be our potter is to let the truth mold and shape us! God says we cannot be a lover of the world and of Him.
God calls into things that we can’t handle because he wants us to depend on him to be co-dependent on him. He wants us to co-labor with him. God doesn’t do independent Christianity, we may do that but that’s never what God intended.
That is what these past nine months have looked like learning to live life with Christ as my co-partner, my husband. The one I confide in. The one I am affirmed by. The one I find truth and freedom in. The one who completes me and makes me whole.
Last night our ministry hosts, Kevin & Ana shared how they met. Afterwards my squadmates asked them questions and one them was how much do you share when you are dating on the emotional and spiritual level. Ana gave an answer of true intimacy with the Father. She talked about how there is always a reason behind why we feel the need to share things. Trying to impress. Seeking affirmation from the people around us. Seeking comfort in the people around us. Seeking advice from the the people around us. The truth is all of these things are only truly met with the Father, he makes us whole. There is no need to share all the things with the people around you if you are receiving what you need from the Father or lights.
It’s been a very hard process for me, I am so relational and I’ve never brought or received these things from God. It takes time and I’m right in the middle of it all. Learning as I go. But I’m absolutely ecstatic that I am because I crave and hunger for intimacy, the kind that is constant and I feel and hear the Holy Spirit louder than the world to point where I ONLY turn to God. Wow, I can’t wait! Lord, thank you for processes. For always taking the longer route to help us see, learn and lean on you. God you know all and I thank you for the plan you have with this new process.
